Hey guys, Shogo with another weekend blog. Today let’s talk about getting intimate. Let’s talk sex. Let’s talk about the way a man’s mind works when it comes to sex, and the way a woman’s mind works.

A client of mine recently reunited with a woman he used to have a crush on in high school, after they found each other on Facebook ten years later. They didn’t know each other very well in school, but they hung recently and hit it off.

They had dinner together, then she invited him over to her place for some drinks. He followed.

The woman had a young daughter, and once the daughter went to bed, my client moved in to try to kiss her. She turned her head away, but they continued chatting. My client immediately thought that she rejected him and that he was put in the friend zone, and didn’t make another move.

A little later, she suggested that he sleep on the couch because they had both been drinking. In the middle of the night, the woman came into the living room and got under his covers and laid down with him. Assuming she wanted to hook up, he then started feeling her up.

She pushed his hand away and said she just wanted to cuddle. Then she slept in his arms for the rest of the night.

Foreplay

The next day my client received a Facebook message from her saying that she was sorry about the situation last night, but it’s not something she does with guys right at the beginning.

Ok, let’s break this down:

My client thought he was in the friend zone because this girl did not want to hook up with him and in his mind, she was sending him mixed signals.

Was he in the friend zone? NO. Was she sending him mixed signals? Maybe, but we’ll talk about why that doesn’t matter.

First, you are NEVER in the friend zone on the first date with a woman. You are not friends with a woman on a first date, so you cannot be in the friend zone. Unless you’ve been hanging out with her for a while with no spark, or she says right in the beginning, “I like you better as a friend,” or “Let’s just be friends,” or something like that, you are not in the friend zone.

So, was she giving him mixed signals here?

Let’s dig into how female psychology works. My client assumed that because she invited him over for drinks that she wanted to hook up. Then he assumed that because she offered for him to sleep on the couch that she wanted to hook up. Then he assumed that because she got under the covers that she wanted to hook up.

He was wrong each time.

So if she liked him, why didn’t she want to get physical with him? After all, if you’re attracted to somebody, you will want to have sex, right?

Kind of. The problem with my client is that he was thinking too much like a man. If you’re a typical guy, the only thing on your mind is the shortest point from the tip of your penis to the entrance of her vagina. You’re attracted to a woman, you want to have sex. Period.

Not so fast with women. Sure, just like men, some women will be horny right then and there and are just craving some action. Even for women who are looking for a relationship, she may be really attracted to the guy and act on impulse and sleep with him, and still want a relationship with him later on.

There is no hard rule. Every woman is different, just like every man is different, and it all depends on where they’re at in life.

A young girl in her 20’s may be really concerned about finding the right guy and want to move slowly because she wants to be romanced and to feel special. Another girl in her 20’s may be sexually open or going through a phase where she wants to sleep with a guy right away. Some women are looking for relationships and will hold off on sex until they’re in one. Some women have been burned in the past and don’t want to get hurt again. Some have children and are looking for a guy who is stable and dependable, who will be there when she needs to call on someone for support. Some women have freed themselves up sexually and all they want right now is sex (the infamous “cougar”).

But most of the time, and this is the biggest lesson a lot of guys need to learn if you really want to turn her on, is that YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT SLOW. Emotions and fantasy have to take time to cultivate and they come into play slowly, not overnight. You have to keep your pants on. You have to lead my taking small steps, being the one to end things first and knowing when to leave, letting the sexual tension build, and giving her space.

You have to be patient with the woman you’re with. Just because you’re turned on does not mean that the pants need to come flying off. For a guy, sex is the goal. No sex? Fail. For a woman, intercourse is not the goal. Cuddling counts. Making out counts. Oral sex counts. Feeling turned on and emotionally connected, these things all count as part of the bigger picture. So don’t get discouraged if she tells you to put the breaks on because you’re moving too fast. A lot of times if you get shot down, you need to listen to what she’s telling you. She’s saying she wants to take it slow and get to know you better, not that she doesn’t like you.

You need to let the sexual tension build up, you have to let her feel comfortable and safe around you, you have to let her know that you are actually interested in her as a person, interested in spending time with her, and not only that you want to have sex with her. You make sure that she knows you’re still going to be around for round two, round three, and round four.

So forget about mixed signals coming from a woman. You have to assume that she’s interested in you sexually if she’s inviting you over to spend time with you.

If you make a move and instead she wants to cuddle in bed with you the first time, that’s ok. Let her feel safe around you and build up your trust level.

If it’s the third or fourth time and she’s still pushing you away, you need to man up and ask her what’s up. She may not actually like you. She may have some hang-ups that you deserve to know about. Be up front and open. Tell her you’re into her, that you want to be intimate with her, and find out if she just wants to take things slow or if she’s not actually attracted to you.

But if you’re getting shot down the first couple dates and she still wants to see you again, that’s actually a good thing, not a failure. You’re making progress, you’re being clear with what you want, and it’s time to slow it down and take control by taking smaller steps instead of trying to go from 0 to 100 in one night.