Why It’s Okay To Be Single

Women's Advice Dating Tips, Uncategorized

By David Wygant March 4, 2015 122 Shares

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single and happy I’ve got a great e-mail from Angelina the other day.

She wrote:

“Hi David,

Always enjoy your newsletters. The last one got me thinking. I had been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist. I broke it off with him and have recovered well. The relationship made me stronger. Two and a half years later, I can say I’m happy with all things in my life. I feel beautiful, attractive, and sexy.

I treat myself perfectly well. I’ve started to travel on my own. I’m about to open my own business. I’m writing again. I’ve made time to see friends. In short, I sometimes will feel my life is so full there’s maybe no room for a man.

I don’t want to remain single. I do want the icing on the cake. I want to share things with the man I love and not just intimacy. I want the relationship. Someone to hold me at night and build a life with.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m straddling a line; one leg in the dating season and the other leg in the happily singles season.

The result is that I go back and forth emotionally and can’t really get clear what I want or what to do. One day I’m enjoying this time to myself, figuring out who I am as a person. The next day I want to date and find the right man for me.

My question basically is: Can you be too happy on your own?

Maybe I’m telling myself I’m happy so I don’t have to put in the effort to go out there. Or, another possibility, maybe I’m not as ready for a relationship as I think I am.

How can you tell which one?”

“Can I Be Happy On My Own?”

First, thank you for your email. There’s a very simple answer to your question. It doesn’t matter whether you enjoy your single life or you’re not quite ready for a relationship. I want you to think about this for a second. You can never be too happy on your own.

A happy person attracts another happy person. The time that you’ve spent alone has made you more complete. It’s made you confident and independent. Two and a half years is not a long time after a long-term relationship. As a matter of fact, they say for every 10 years of a relationship, you should be single for 5 years after. In order to heal you have to go through the process of getting to know yourself as an individual again. You have to formulate what it is you want out of life.

And that’s why you feel the way you do. Sometimes you can’t get a clear idea of what you want to do, and that’s okay. I have many days like that, where I really don’t know what I want out of life. I don’t know what I want to do. So, I go with it, accept what life has to offer and enjoy the time I’ve been given.

On days I feel like I was meant to be single forever. I love the time I get to myself. The next day I want to date and find the right woman who will love my daughter and compliment my lifestyle. It’s okay to not know what you want. Be whoever you are. This time is important. Eventually, you’re going to find that great guy and be in a loving relationship.

Eventually, a great man going to enter into your life and you won’t be able to resist him. He’s going to be everything that you want because he’s going to be someone who’s also bubbling with life. He hardly ever feels lonely, and he feels beautiful and attractive and sexy, as well. He’s going to be your emotional and sexual match. Until then, just be happy on your own. You might have a week where you just feel like dating, and then all of a sudden you have a week where you feel like hanging with your gal pals.

It’s okay. Don’t waste a second overthinking where you should be. If you’re happy, you’re right where you should be. Because you’ve already put in the work to improve yourself, you’re miles ahead of most people entering the dating pool.

You haven’t met the right guy yet, and that’s okay. Thank you for sharing. I love when people share their conflicting, positive things with me. Just to let you know you’re more positive and amazing than you think you are.

Nowadays, dating is more competitive than it’s ever been — download this free report to learn 6 proven skills to stand apart & succeed in the modern dating world.

About David

1.7 million men & women come to me every month to find the secrets to success. And after 20 years of coaching, I’ve discovered the golden keys to success in dating, business, health and wellness, and life.

I’ve helped millions of men and women around the globe achieve success in their dating, social and personal lives. I’m also a father to the world’s cutest little girl, and I am an unapologetic man. Some say I’m nuts, others say I’ve changed their life forever. One thing’s for certain: I’ll always give you the truth, whether you can handle it or not. I never sugar coat anything.

Nice is so overrated. I’d prefer brutally honest breakthrough to a “nice” rut any damn day of the week. If you’re the same way, then you've come to the right place.

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Cledes

Thursday, March 5th, 2015

Very well said david. I can relate to her email. Your response to her was enlightening. Just go with the flow of what life gives you. You can never be wrong when the right time comes for your guy. You will just feel the right vibes. Good luck! Thanks to you david.

John

Thursday, March 5th, 2015

How can ANY somewhat attractive woman EVER be single involuntarily? How can they be single when they don't ever have to risk rejection, ever have to approach, ever have to work through their approach anxiety, ever have to think of the right thing to say, etc. All they have to do is sit there and look pretty, and let the guys come to them. How can they ever be single, unless they are just being unrealistic with their expectations? I ALWAYS assume an attractive woman is taken because, "HOW CAN SHE NOT BE?" I'm not trying to be a wise ass. I honestly don't understand. It baffles me.

Angelina

Thursday, March 12th, 2015

Well, you answered your own question: You always assume an attractive woman is taken, so you don't approach her. How is she ever gonna find someone when every guy thinks that way? It works the other way 'round as well, when we see a really good-looking man, we also tend to think he can't ever be single. But even attractive people go through break-ups and divorces and may need time to find their feet again. Or maybe simply choose to remain single and play the field. Plus real pretty people get judged by the cover, attract a lot of weirdos and superficial people, which doesn't help them to remain open and approachable. And flirting, finding a date or a man does take a little more than just sitting somewhere looking pretty. Sorry to say, but I find that a real superficial comment. The average man won't approach a woman just like that, not unless the woman has showed interest first, which takes a lot of guts from US to do. Unless your dealing with a truly empowered man, but even then ...

Jess

Friday, March 13th, 2015

You're right Angelina. A quality guy would never approach a woman just because she's pretty. She needs to smile and give an approachable vibe, and even that isn't enough if the guy is timid. I have found that the guys that approach me without me giving them a signal are most likely PUA wannabes ( their lines and tactics get familiar after a while). And if an attractive girl is shy she's automatically perceived as being "stuck up". My only advice is to keep being approachable, and join activities where you know there will be a lot of men. I have yet to meet a guy that approaches me on the street and turns out to be a good guy...coincidence? I think not.

airforce1hunk@yahoo.com

Monday, March 16th, 2015

when you said "Andrew- It’s natural to crave social interactions and relationships. If you don’t then you don’t have a pulse!" I highly agree, although us humans can survive without those unlike food and water, but still, the desire for companionship, friendship and social relationships, having connections to the social world, dating and relationships, companionship with the opposite sex(unless the person is a homo), sex in general, is a primal, innate, instinctive desire in all of us, although we can survive without it unlike food and water, it's just that those desires do not go away just as the same desires for wanting food and water

Caroline

Saturday, March 14th, 2015

Jess-I think what you're talking about is called emotional calibration. Where you can intinuitively and intellectually perceive (through glances/body language/what the person is engaged in) if the other person is open conversing.

Caroline

Monday, March 9th, 2015

@John. We (women in general) have our own faults and weaknesses/misconceptions about what it is to have a relationship with a man. We are living breathing human beings not some other species. I know both Jess and I were really shy at one time.i really had problems just making eye contact and speaking. I think all women have had a period when they've felt needy and desperate-which makes you SO very unattractive to the opposite sex. We can have frustrations with family/jobs/careers/friends which make us unsociable and emit a sour puss air about us. Wow, the list goes on...we're human just like men with ups and downs and just like men we feel defeated after a big string of first dates that go nowhere(rejection) -just like guys can go through a string if women turning him down for a date. And everyone has different tastes; not all men are going to be attracted to us just like how sometimes it feels for men that the only women he's attracted to aren't interested in him. We are human too, we gotta brush ourselves off and keep trying:)

Jess

Monday, March 9th, 2015

Yes! Just sitting and looking pretty isn't gunna get us anywhere. The cute girl in the corner might notice men staring at her, and she might get approached by the player types...but what good is that gunna do? I really don't count getting hit on by players as a "victory". I don't think good-looking men and women have it the easiest if they're SHY. If anything, they have it harder because everyone expects them to be confident and smooth when they're not. Like Caroline, I also had to push myself a lot to be outgoing. The whole reason I came to this blog in the first place was because I missed out on a great guy. He mistook my shyness for a lack of interest and now he's with someone else. I vowed to never let that happen again.

Caroline

Monday, March 9th, 2015

Amen Jess-pretty with no personality or a diva is really similar to the cocky guy who's a narcissist -neither can get a real relationship. They may initially find someone who's attracted to them but can never make it into a relationship. Humility is very endearing no matter what gender.

Caroline

Monday, March 9th, 2015

Oh I forgot two big points! I have a very good friend who's sister absolutely defines "diva". She's a very attractive, successful pharmacy rep, has her own home, travels-well she thinks she's the "sh*t". She's 43 never been married, no kids, no real relationship with a man. Who wants to put up with that! In fact she was engaged, wedding planned and he backed out the day before. I have a real "Debbie Downer" friend too. Really-it's like someone wrote "eff off "with a sharpie across her forehead. She's so resentful from her bad past relationships that she just can't get over. She basically thinks all men are scum. NOW that's attractive!and btw she's very pretty if she could wipe the frown off her face.

Andrew

Sunday, March 8th, 2015

If it was okay to be a little bit needy or desperate, then I would have a much easier time accepting and dealing with the gender role that the man be the initiator, taking the lead, etc. I remember reading in David Deida's famous book "The way of the Superior Man", he says, you are only hurting yourself if you want to be in a relationship with a woman more than she wants to be in one with you. " It's not natural to be into the relationship as much as the woman is", its a frustrating paradox, its like damn if you do and damn if you don't

Vonnie

Sunday, March 8th, 2015

Andrew, I'm going to go one step beyond what apparently was said in "The Way of the Superior Man." I don't think it's healthy to be in a relationship where one wants it more than the other. It should be equal because you're equal partners (but obviously different) and therefore you'll trust each other. Otherwise, you'll be unsatisfied wondering who is she/he thinking about. The key to a happy relationship is to find someone who will like/love you as much as you like/love that person. Now doesn't that make sense?

Andrew

Sunday, March 8th, 2015

Well, David Deida is human, there are probably many things that can't be explained for why they are the way they are, there are forces in the universe beyond our standing, that's a famous quote right there about the universe. It's just that fine line between being assertive, taking action, going after what you want, versus avoiding being needy, desperate, is a very fragile delicate line to cross. Dr. Robert Glover, who wrote the book "No More Mr. Nice-Guy", a great self-improvement book for men, he said this on his blog for men when dealing with feeling needy around women. "your “needy traits are "feminine" in nature. The “feminine” seeks external validation. The feminine craves approval. The “masculine” is self-validating by through action. That is why women are generally turned on by men who “do,” not men who seek their approval." Reason why I hate that, is because us humans are social creatures by nature, we on a primal level, instinctively, innately, desire, want friends, social connections with people, acceptance by people. Evidence to prove that? people that are in prison and have been in solitary confinement without any social contact end up having a mental-break down, going crazy, nervous break-down, mental-break down, whatever you want to call it.

Kathleen T

Thursday, March 5th, 2015

John I don't know if men find me attractive or not they simply don't approach me! I have been to the bars ect with friends smiled at them ect nothing! My friends tell me I'm stunning all the time and yet men don't approch me! Maybe you should go talk to the attractive woman and see what happens! What have you got to loose!

Mike

Saturday, March 7th, 2015

Kathleen, I can tell you a few reasons that men don't approach you. The obvious one, is your friends. As you know, it's not easy to approach a stranger. Now think of approach not one but two, three, four, or more women. I believe David has call this, the great wall of China...lol Most like you have peaked the interest of men with your direct smile, but you put a difficult path to get to you. This is not to say, you shouldn't hang out with your friends when trying to meet new people. I do like the fact your trying to encourage men with your smile, which tells them you socially open for a conversation. But you got to give men opportunity to talk to you one on one. Most guys will want to get to know you first before your friends in a more casual situation that doesn't present so much pressure. For most guys, a group of women present a lot of pressure.

Jess

Thursday, March 5th, 2015

Kathleen- You're definitely good-looking, and you seem like a classy, intelligent gal . .) Not all, but the majority of guys go to bars for a hookup. That's why you might notice women that aren't as attractive, but they give off that bimbo/desperate vibe- and it attracts the suckas like honey to a bee! :) If someone captures your attention- you can try asking them a question or their opinion about something , like "that drink looks good, what is it"? Or you can casually smile and give them a compliment then walk away-leaving the ball in their court... But to be honest, joining activities and classes is much more organic.

Kathleen T

Friday, March 6th, 2015

Maybe it's because they are to afraid to approach a woman who is sobar!

John

Thursday, March 5th, 2015

Well, just judging by your gravatar image, I have a hard time believing that guys don't approach you all day long. As far as women not getting approached, and not meeting guys, I believe that it happens, I just don't understand HOW or WHY it happens. When it comes to dating, women have EVERYTHING in their favor. That's just the way it is in western society.

Apple

Tuesday, March 10th, 2015

I have a very attractive female relative who's in the prime age - 26. She has never had a boyfriend. I'm not lying. It's had me at wit's end because she's gorgeous and her looks are wasted on her. She dresses like a modern nun and has terrible posture. Why doesn't she have a boyfriend? Well, because her mom taught her that only evil men want attractive women. Her virtue and religiosity will eventually win a man over. She's clueless. She's been on dates but freaks out whenever a guy wants to kiss her. I've tried to sneakily take her under my wing to help her get a clue, but no dice. I'm way too worldly for her mother who seems to want to keep her daughter until she dies. Very sad. By the way, she likes short guys too. She'd give anything to go out with anyone who looks like Elijah Wood 'cause she's hooked on Lord of the Rings.

Andrew

Saturday, March 7th, 2015

I think it's that way everywhere, people use the penis-vagina argument, that vagina means receiving, penis means aggression, penetrate. While that makes sense, I think the analogy that the sperm chases the egg is more valid, but that doesn't mean I enforce these rules, i'm for them, no that's not what I mean. Us humans are the most intelligent species on the planet, are capable of rational thinking, I don't see why we should let our sex organs dictate our thinking.

Sanne

Thursday, March 5th, 2015

Thank you for this blog..This is also where I am and feel. I'm feeling great on my own , spring is coming and I can't wait to enjoy the sun. With this blog I know I'm not the only one ! So let's see what is coming

Vonnie

Saturday, March 7th, 2015

What a great reply, "You can never be too happy on your own." I love that. Yes, happiness is contagious. It's like a magnate. The more you radiate joy, the easier it is to connect with others because it just happens. I notice that others really notice me when I'm beaming with joy. I need to work on keeping that intense joyful feeling turned on more so that I can have a more joyful, happy life. Unfortunately, I have had to spend time with negative individuals and even those I don't particularly like. The blessing is that I now appreciate being on my own because the alternative could be so much worse. I have realized that I am happy by myself because I don't live with their negativity. Right now, I don't really have a lifestyle because I'm trying to orient myself so my possibilities are endless. I'm also treading very carefully and staying open so I don't lock myself into a life I don't want. I'd rather be single and in limbo with tons of challenges,but happy, than in a relationship with a bozo meaning someone who is insensitive, deceptive, controlling, crude, and negative minded. Why would I want that in my life?

Angelina

Thursday, March 12th, 2015

Totally agree! Thing is, you hear the exact same thing from both men and women. So if everyone agrees on this, why are so many people still single? If most single people are looking for another happy single to live happily ever after, someone who won't extinguish their light and joy, why is it so difficult to find such a person? Have we become too fussy? There seems to be this weird contradiction: a relationship doesn't appear to be our nr1 priority in life anymore, yet we all want a relationship AND we want to be his/her nr 1 in life. How can we expect to be someone's nr 1 if a relationship isn't even our own nr 1 priority? I can't as of yet get my head around how this works.

Mike

Monday, March 9th, 2015

Vonnie, I feel your pain with negative individuals. But don't compare those individuals with a relationship beyond friends. I admit, those individuals do make one feel glad to be single at times because you don't want to settle for the sake of being in a relationship and then be living in a nightmare. I work with a gal who is in her 50's, she has never had a boyfriend, she has numerous medical issues that she uses to get out of jobs she doesn't like for example, she claims she has bad feet and can't walk up steps two days a day but she can push her best friend all day in a wheelchair at a festival. She gets on my case for my eating habits, she eats great at work, but you can tell that she doesn't at home. She is way overweight. She likes to argue to mask her insecurities. She doesn't know a lot, her relatives baby her. She wanted a new computer, because we were using computers more at work so she asked her brother what kind to get. Well last time, her brother bought her a very expensive computer which she hardly used and she knew that her brother would buy her another one. And he did, he got her another expensive computer which she uses mostly for games. She doesn't seem thankful about anything but takes things for granted while spreading her negativity around. It can be very difficult to work with her at times. For example, my boss told me to accomplish this task the other day, well she put in her two cents worth and started yelling at me because she disagreed what the boss told me. I'm thinking she is crazy with this drama and perhaps requires some professional help. The task by no means warranted such an outburst. The next day, she was acting very nice to me. She is putting herself in the area of being guilty of harassment with all that drama she is trying to create. She is not a manager. I have known her for years and seen her do these kind of things to other people. If you were around her, you might never want to get into another relationship...lol :) So don't compare a relationship on how others act in a negative sense. You wouldn't date those individuals anyway and they shouldn't hinder you in finding a great relationship because they are unhappy with their lives.

Vonnie

Monday, March 9th, 2015

Mike, I agree 100% with what you said. However, some of the negative individuals I have had to interact with are guys who are attracted to me. It really has been a mixed blessing because it clarified what I want and don't want in a relationship. When you spend time with a person for whatever reason, it's like a form of dating because you get to know that person. As you know, information is knowledge. How unfortunate that you have to work with such a negative woman. It sounds like your coworker is a very unhappy and unbalanced person. She probably needs help but given her attitude, she may not want it or seek it. Negative coworkers can make work life unbearable. I hope you find a way to cope. Just so you know, not all single, unmarried, inexperienced 50ish women are negative like your coworker. Unfortunately, a lot of people in their 50s give up on themselves. It's a matter of self perception. You are as old or as young as you feel regardless of your chronological age.

Andrew

Monday, March 9th, 2015

wow, a woman in her 50's who has never had a boyfriend? similar to Susan Boyle, whenever I hear of a woman being over the age 25, or over 30 and never had a boyfriend, I find it more shocking than the other way around, generally it's because I hear of more men reaching a certain age than women do and still being single, maybe men just are more vocal about it, make it known more than women do?

Jess

Sunday, March 8th, 2015

Same here,Vonnie! I would much rather stay single than be with someone that's gunna dim my light. I used to have negative friends but I ditched them a long time ago...they were just happy complaining over the silliest, pettiest things, and expected me to "console" them ALL THE TIME! Needless to say It was life- sucking and unhealthy. The good thing that came from that is now I recognize the signs early on- if someone is relying on me to make them happy I run for the hills!

Vonnie

Sunday, March 8th, 2015

Exactly, Jess. Negativity from others of any kind will dim a person's light because negativity is stifling.Once I realized this, I no longer felt lonely and could then embrace being by myself.

Caroline

Monday, March 9th, 2015

Vonnie and Jess-I love your thoughts. I've been going through really tough times with my 17 year old acting out/not going to school and my ex has finally gotten involved but I feel like he's making it worse! After every interaction with him all I can think is thank goodness I'm not with him!!it has been a real challenge but I do want my sons to at least have him present in their lives. What a predicament:(

Angelina

Thursday, March 12th, 2015

Thank you for your reply, David! I may just print it and read it again when in doubt. I think I sometimes let pressure from the dating scene get to me. Many men tend to ask "How long have you been single?" "How long have you been on this site?" "How often do you date?" Suddenly I'm required to keep logs (so not me!) and I'm forced to think about what would be acceptable: Too many dates or too few probably wouldn't go down well. Having been on a dating-site for yonks may indicate there's something wrong with me. (PLEASE pretty please educate and tell men to stop asking us girls these questions!) And the worst one: Why is an attractive woman like you still single? Right. Great! I'm attractive so I can't be single. Attractive + single = something is wrong? Okay, I know I'm having a bit of a rant :p but when there's so few men that are actually fun to talk to (the ones that skip 20 questions and seem to have communication skills) that I often rather spend time writing or painting or .. or.. I'm doomed. No I'm not. David just told you it's okay. I think I best read your reply again..

Andrew

Friday, March 13th, 2015

How much flakes with a woman should a guy put up with a woman before he should ditch her? when a woman flakes on me, this is what comes to mind, she is testing me to see if she can make me come across as needy or desperate, that if I have boundaries, or she doesn't have the guts to say she is not interested to my face, is no longer interested

Why It’s Okay To Be Single

“Can I Be Happy On My Own?”

About David

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42 Comments | Join the Discussion!

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Cledes

John

Angelina

Jess

airforce1hunk@yahoo.com

Caroline

Caroline

Jess

Caroline

Caroline

Andrew

Vonnie

Andrew

Kathleen T

Mike

Jess

Kathleen T

John

Apple

Andrew

Sanne

Vonnie

Angelina

Mike

Vonnie

Andrew

Jess

Vonnie

Caroline

Angelina

Andrew