Why I Won’t See ‘50 Shades of Grey’

Women's Advice Love and Connection, Uncategorized

By David Wygant February 9, 2015 368 Shares

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On Valentine’s Day this year an atrocity will be coming to a theater near you. A movie so ridiculous in it’s portrayal of relationships I refuse to watch it.

50 Shades of Grey.

I know many of you have passed this book amongst yourselves. You’ve whispered about the sex scenes in salons. Maybe you’ve tried to reenact some of those scenes…

I get it. I haven’t read the book but people have told me about it: sculpted abs, sensual voice, dominant personality…

Christian Grey is to women what Scarlett Johansen is to men.

But Grey isn’t a new character…

Heath Cliff

Hercules

James Bond

Since the beginning of time women have had this version of a fantasy man, a super stud that will swoop in to save the day. Every man should be strong, dominant, intelligent, and ruggedly hansom. And being incredibly rich doesn’t hurt either.

As women, you know the drill. You know what it is to have to stay fit, be the best at your job, keep your wardrobe up to date, and raise your kids. Oh by the way, you also have to find the energy to be a desirable, feminine object of desire to attract your super hero stud. Here’s the thing, there’s a huge chasm between your super hero fantasy stud, and the men in your life that you attract and date.

If your super hero stud, (a la Christian Grey) showed up would you even be interested in him… Or is he better as a fantasy?

It’s wonderful to imagine yourself in a relationship with him, but the reality of meeting a man like that might send you running back OKCupid or Tinder.

Hollywood has given us the fantasy romance:

A fantasy where words are not necessary. Where the man across from you knows what you’re thinking and just how you want to be treated. He knows it before you did. He knows your deepest, darkest secret wants and desires and he has the confidence and audacity to open them for you.

Just like Mickey Rourke in “9 ½ Weeks”.

Hollywood man knows you better than you know yourself. This bring us to the reason why I have a problem with 50 Shades of Grey. It’s a fantasy, but unlike Game of Thrones or Once you want to forget it’s a fantasy. Women are actually out there looking for their Christian Grey. You’ve seen the merchandise. You’ve seen articles inspired by the book encouraging you to spice up your relationship.

Somewhere fantasy bled into reality and now every woman thinks she should be Anastasia. And you are wasting time and energy looking for your Grey. This type of thinking creates a culture of self-loathing because you’re searching for a fantasy.

It’s exactly like the “Princess” mythology so many of you have bought into. Why isn’t my life like that? Why don’t I have a guy like that? Where is my white picket fence and 2 kids?

Self-loathing is the enemy of abundance. It’s the enemy of a life you are grateful for that fills you up every day. Every day I hear from women like you that say: “I’m not good enough to have the men I really want.” “I’m not sexy enough to attract the men out of my league.” “I’m not good at relationships.”

You have to stop that crap – right now.

You Deserve To Be Happy

Are you hearing me?

Listen up, Ladies…

There is no Mr. Grey. No man can know what you’re thinking at all times. You need to figure out how to attract the great men that are right in front of you in your life. I promise you all you have to do is open your eyes. Do you know how many swear, “There are no great men where I live.” Only to realize the love of their life was right in front of them the whole time?

The dominant, secretive, mind reading alpha male is sexy and intriguing on film, but he’s just a Twilight Fan-Fiction. You need to look at everyone as a potential partner. There are so many great beta guys out there. Single guys who are looking for the perfect mate, but they don’t know how to take charge. You’re going to have to let him know what you want. He wants to be your alpha man, your super hero stud.

So, get out there. Start a conversation with the cute but unassuming guy at the bookstore. Ask you friend’s boyfriend about the funny guy on his Facebook. The right guy is out there, waiting for you to find him. His name is not Christian Grey.

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About David

1.7 million men & women come to me every month to find the secrets to success. And after 20 years of coaching, I’ve discovered the golden keys to success in dating, business, health and wellness, and life.

I’ve helped millions of men and women around the globe achieve success in their dating, social and personal lives. I’m also a father to the world’s cutest little girl, and I am an unapologetic man. Some say I’m nuts, others say I’ve changed their life forever. One thing’s for certain: I’ll always give you the truth, whether you can handle it or not. I never sugar coat anything.

Nice is so overrated. I’d prefer brutally honest breakthrough to a “nice” rut any damn day of the week. If you’re the same way, then you've come to the right place.

46 Comments | Join the Discussion!

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Pam

Monday, February 9th, 2015

Mr. Grey is the last type of guy I would fantasize about. The books are garbage--and I'm not the only woman who has that opinion. One friend who did manage to finish the first and force herself to read the second one gave up because she said it was so disgusting and sends a very degrading message to women. And it's not just the subject matter, but the fact that they were poorly written, using very simple sentences. I bet most 5th graders could write better than the author.

Jess

Monday, February 9th, 2015

Yea, I was surprised at how poorly written it was. You would think the author was a horny 13 year old... But, I think I understand why this book is popular though. A lot of women have an either or mentality ( either you date the timid guy that doesn't have an edge, or your left with the bold asshole that lacks integrity). I think the media has a lot to with this. But once you come across men that are sexy AND sweet all the other types disappear .)

Apple

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

I know! I decided to borrow it (save some $) and had to keep checking to make certain the author wasn't 13. She's pushing 50. She was a writer of "Twilight" fan fiction. This explains a lot. Still, why would a middle-aged woman be interested in teenage romance series?

chris

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

One of my sisters read it because she wanted to know what all the hype was about. She also thought she would get a thrill from it. Instead, she told me it was one of the most boring and badly written book she had ever read.And this woman reads at least a book a week! She actually threw it out and told me not to waste my money. I just saw the movie trailer yesterday and both characters seem cold,unappealing and boring to me. I felt no connection at all. If you want to see a good movie about dominance and submission, rent Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhall and James Spader. You felt a connection between the two characters and even though I could not relate to many of the female character's wants,needs and desires, I could truly understand the dynamics at play. Disturbing but ultimately very sweet,touching and respectful. Grey looks like a cold, crappy movie. Of course I may be wrong. We shall see in a few days.

Erynn Haskins

Monday, February 9th, 2015

I totally don't buy into the fantasy guy thing. I quite frankly think its bullshit.. I was interested in seeing Fifty Shades but now I will pass after reading this. Glad you mentioned self-loathing because as women we love to chase a fantasy though it's unattainable and unrealistic. We need to be ourselves more and find someone who compliments our reality.

Caroline

Monday, February 9th, 2015

When I first read David's post I was a bit outraged because he seems to have formed an opinion that women seem to want this fantasy over a real man. But then I thought about how popular it has been. I personally barely finished the first chapter of this book because it was so poorly written and stupid. This is pretty much the consensus from women I know. But I am aware it's popular. It's very insulting to form an opinion that women in general would be searching for such an illusion. Besides, most men are such p*ssies today they're probably still trying to perfect the "Sean Connery" Brit accent.

Apple

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

Exactly, Caroline. Exceptions aside, most women who've been dating or have had contact with men for extended periods of time are much more realistic the the people on the "blue" blog who are constantly cajoled into finding the "hottest" women . . .sometimes by DW.

Jess

Monday, February 9th, 2015

Before I read the book, I was expecting this Grey guy to be really sexy & thrilling, but he acted waay too old for a twenty-something. I can't imagine being playful and flirty with a bore like that. And Anastasia wasn't cool at all. "There are so many great beta guys out there. Single guys who are looking for the perfect mate, but they don’t know how to take charge". I don't mind breaking the ice at first, but if they can't take the lead after that I'm gone.

chris

Monday, February 9th, 2015

I hate,hate,hate,hate being put in a box because I have a slit between my legs. It is insulting and reductive. I am not "every woman who thinks she wants to be Anastasia". I know this is really hard for you to grasp but I think you would be surprised at the amount of women who do not desire a Christian Gray type man...I like integrity and a good and generous soul. I like a real and organic man. I wish SOME men would stop making statements about what all women want. You would be amazed at how many of us have not been Disneyfied by the whole ridiculous Prince Charming notion.Who the heck wants a Prince?? I want real....The good and the bad, not some friggin Lala land fantasy. By the way, SOME men are themselves not immune to the whole getting the perfect Princess thing...Please stop boxing people in, it is quite suffocating. I enjoy your blog David, be well.

Vonnie

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

I, too, noticed the generalizations but I focused on the bigger picture, meaning the book, positivity, and abundance because David gives a ton of useful advice. And realistically inspiring. Certainly, there were several generalizations that didn't apply to me at all: 1) Since I find the book repulsive, I don't want to be like Anastasia, 2) I am not attracted to Christian Grey or the actor who plays him, 3) I haven't seen the merchandise, 4) I only glanced at one article courtesy of a magazine in the waiting room of my doctor's office. It told me enough about the book that I didn't finish the article, 5) I don't watch Disney movies but I still read fairy tales and tweak them. I'm a romance writer and fairy tales are fun to twist. That said, I believe that if Prince Charming exists, he has a tarnished crown. He's not a super hero and certainly not a mind reader. A girl may not have to kiss a lot of frogs to find her tarnished prince. Instead, she might have to kiss a mule or a parakeet. Do a back flip and recite the Gettysburg Address. The picket fence is a myth. In today's society, it could be a condo or a beachfront house or a manufactured home in the woods. And why would I want a picket fence when my cats could get hurt climbing the pickets? That's not my dream. Since not all women fit into one category, a better way to convey the information might be to use indefinite or uncertain words such as: "Perhaps, Seemingly, It Seems, Possibly, Likely, Maybe, Might, Sometimes, Probably, and If...." This way, we won't feel like we're being told what we think when we may not think like that at all. .

Caroline

Tuesday, February 10th, 2015

Amen Chris! You've summed up so well how I feel. Generalizations are hurtful. Like I also said, NO women in the circles I run in found that book worth a damn. I'm sure many if the boys of the men's blog are calling us feminazis at this point. •eyeroll• How many rude generalizations do women out up with? Gold diggers, hookers (if you make the first move), disneyfied princess. Honestly, there's a lot of men who are looking for perfection obviously when they can't even seem to look at their own flaws. If women are not sweet, kind and friendly we get called b*tches. What a BS double standard.

Amy

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

Caroline, I totally agree with you. David is always telling us we deserve to be treated like the women we really are, to be respected and cherished...so why would we ever want a man like Christian Grey? He's the kind of man from whom we run screaming when we discover the guy across the table has so many issues even he can't untangle them. I agree with David that FSoG is not representative of real relationships. How can it be when both characters are filled with all kinds of mental instabilities, but it's also not representative of a fictional romance, and certainly not of real BDSM relationships. It's trash. How it ever got built up into some kind of a dream-worthy fantasy romance I have no idea, except to remind everyone that it was a fan fiction based on a fantasy of true fairytale imagination - TWILIGHT.

Peter

Friday, February 5th, 2016

Amy I was intrigued to see your reply and disappointed that you and so man others are not able to understand what is real and what is fantasy. Some not all women know what they want and will go to almost any lengths to get it. I have dated women who are senior level nurses who you would think know everything there is to know about relationships and after a few dates they ASK if I will tie them up with the strings they carry with them in their purses. This is real life, this is how it is today. So many writers have said that they will not read the book or see the movie. Why is it then that it is one of the most popular (by weight of numbers) books ever published. Is it true that some of the women who are bagging the story have a deep yearning to meet Christian Grey and make these comments to hide their frustrations at not being able to find him....All the best to you and yours ...Peter

Jess

Tuesday, February 10th, 2015

Well said, ladies! If you are against dating losers, speak your own mind and, and have a backbone then you're a "feminazi" and a bitch. I've always hated those sickly sweet princesses while growing up. What makes me laugh is the amount of criticism Frozen has received by those MRA dudes- " No man for Elsa? How DARE THEY INSULT US"? And those are the SAME guys that blame Disney for the "wait for your prince" crap! Make up your minds, boys! That's what happens when a man isn't comfortable with his masculinity. If you know what you want, and you don't want HIM he feels offended.

Vonnie

Tuesday, February 10th, 2015

David is absolutely right. As always, he is the voice of reason and maturity. Negativity robs us of our abundance. I feel so much better when I say positive things about myself than when I say negative ones. Yes, we need to look at everyone as a potential partner. However, I refuse to consider anyone insensitive no matter how geographically near they are to me. I also find the premise of the book disturbing. The heroine is inexperienced. She doesn't realize what she's agreeing to when she enters into an erotic bargain with the hero. He takes advantage of her innocence. That's abuse. That's not how a real hero acts. This story sends the wrong message to impressionable young girls and women that a romantic relationship includes manipulation and violence. For this reason, I haven't read the book and don't intend to watch the movie. That said, I can see how a lot of readers find the storyline titillating. The book has several hooks (the billionaire hero, the naive heroine, the fantasy of being swept away by a dark and dangerous hero). These are all fun themes that can be portrayed in a variety of positive ways which seemingly didn't happen here. Then there's the contract with its dominant-submissive agreements which the book revolves around and which increases the suspense. Will the heroine sign the contract? When will she sign it? What will happen? That the hero doesn't insist she sign the contract partly redeems him because that means their relationship isn't just sexual. That makes the story interesting. Disappointingly, he becomes more villainous when he fulfills the contract causing the heroine to leave him. This is not a happily ever after romantic ending. Therefore, on Valentine's Day, I'll be at my romance writer's meeting listening to a panel discussion on romance heroes who act heroically.

Apple

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

While I definitely agree there are some women who crave a Christian Grey type. Actually, they're usually girls or women who really don't know men at all. I got up to chapter 8 and just had to put it the book down. I really tried. It's an awful book. I'm very open-minded towards erotica. I'm not open-minded about badly written books. I'm also not open-minded about categorizing people into horrible dominant alphas and wonderful, caring betas This false dichotomy sets women up to assume that a shy, unassuming man will treat her well. Ha. Never, ever, ever make assumptions. Rather, learn as much as you can before you give too much of yourself away. Allow the person to reveal himself. Also, google, google, google. Wow! I have saved myself so many heartaches by reconnaissance. Case in point. I went out with a man a few months ago whom I met online. He was decent-looking enough - in my league, so to speak - average. That's fine - I'm average too. I got caught up in the fact he was a decent, honest man. We're both nerds & had so much in common. We talked on the phone & hit it off. I was psyched to meet him. Finally, the date arrived. Had I been paying more attention, I would've realized he had not provided me with a full-length photo in the beginning. He had listed himself as fit and of average-build. He was morbidly obese, no not merely stocky,. I'm not merely being shallow. If we were to fall in love and have a full relationship with sex, he would kill me. Still, we managed to have a good chat & I made a mental note to demand recent full-length photos when I date online (He demanded it of me!) As it turns out, all the beta wanted was a f*ck buddy. On top of it, he turned out to be married. (How did that happen?) So, don't assume that the least appetizing person has a good character. I went out with "alphas" with more character. My point is that we should be realistic, but not assume that people we don't find attractive are in fact "nice" guys. Everyone potentially has "shades of Grey."

Jess

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

Good point, Apple! I heard so many stories of unattractive, "beta" types that cheated on their girlfriends once they got the chance. I've also met attractive, confident types that treated their women like queens. Most of those so called "nice, beta" types are passive aggressive assholes. A relative of mine is proof of this - she married "Mr. Nice Guy" and he ruined her life.

Andrew

Thursday, February 12th, 2015

Penis - Erects, Goes out, Penetrates, Pushes in, Seeks, Discharges "Males have a penis, which equals aggression, females have a vagina, which means receiving. That’s it." "us guys are equipped to penetrate, which is an act of aggression" if a guy throws a punch with his fist, is that a form of penetration? now don't get me wrong, not even thinking of doing this to women, never would, but only to a certain guy, man if he tries to get tough with me, questions my masculinity especially.

Laura N.

Friday, February 13th, 2015

Amen to what everyone has said. I read about half the book and tossed it aside because it was so badly written and edited. And I found the sex scenes utterly boring. While I love a good romance ("Pride and Prejudice" for example) and have enjoyed the daydream of a tall dark and handsome stranger rescuing me, I know it will not happen in real life. That attractive, mild mannered man you have ignored or friendzoned may in fact be your Christian Grey. We all need to be more open to the great men who are right in front of us... And forget about Christian Grey, James Bond, and Mr.Darcy.

Jess

Monday, February 16th, 2015

Luv Pride and Prejudice too! .)

DJ Reeve

Monday, February 16th, 2015

Yay. Thank you. For some reason it seems that movie gives both men and women the impression what supposedly supposed to happen. I quit reading romance novels in my 20s cause I have never heard any stories in those books being anywhere in real life. I am impressed you won't see it, I wish others felt the same. If you know a guy who refuses to go see it let me know (lol) Thank you for being willing to give advice to women and men.

Andrew

Monday, February 16th, 2015

Another thing, why is being bitter, resentful, a thousand, million, billion times worse in men than it is in women? I heard it even comes across as feminine

Mike

Monday, February 16th, 2015

Talk up the book as insight to a woman's mind, and then disregard a poorly produced version of it. However, 50 Shades of Grey is taught here...Grey is not what you call, the nicest guy in the world, however what sets him apart from many real guys, he knows what he wants, and he’s not afraid to tell women about it. As you know, many men do not come close to a Grey, they are more like get hammered and hope they can ask you out before they fall over...lol :) There are many good men out there, and real life is way better than Hollywood! :) Enjoy the next couple of weeks everyone, I'm going on vacation in less than six hours :)

Vonnie

Monday, February 16th, 2015

I would add that having an open mind or heart is essential for noticing the good men and women "out there." Have a wonderful vacation, Mike! Two weeks of rest and relaxation sounds divine!

Vonnie

Monday, February 16th, 2015

Here's an insightful review of the movie: https://www.mamamia.com.au/rogue/fifty-shades-of-grey-review-rosie-waterland/. The numerous comments also provide additional insight. However, I am so glad that I did not ruin my Valentine's Day by seeing the movie. I would have been revolted. Christian Grey seems like the worst personification of a romance hero. Controlling, manipulative, possessive. A stalker. Abusive. Villainous. No woman should be treated like he treats Anastasia. However, apparently, over the course of the books, Christian grows. He falls in love with Anna and his love for her changes him. He realizes what he did was wrong and he consciously changes himself and evolves into a romance hero who Anna can love. He becomes an admirable man. Now isn’t that intriguing!

Peter

Friday, February 5th, 2016

Then she leaves him...Do you see how love can change men and even women....Peter

Caroline

Monday, February 16th, 2015

Actually Vonnie-it sounds like an awful version of abuse. Man emotionally or physically abuses his lover and she keeps coming back because she thinks he will change. Classic not knowing your worth and putting up with horse shit from unevolved men. Definitely NOT intriguing. Getting out in the REAL world and actually making connections with others is the ticket.

Vonnie

Monday, February 16th, 2015

Caroline, I agree with you.In. Christian is creepy and belongs in a mental institution. However, I can see how the series might be intriguing since Christian evolves. A character who evolves is interesting and often admirable. I don't know all the details that occurs in the story and if Anastasia keeps returning to Christian thinking he will change. Perhaps the author puts a different spin on that. Personally, I don't want to vicariously experience the domestic violence and emotional abuse that occurs in this story.That's why I won't read the book or see the movie. I don't want to expose myself to that world. It's disgusting and demeaning to women..

Caroline

Monday, February 16th, 2015

Thank you for the link Vonnie. It was insightful. I'm sorry-I just think the fact that the books depict that with perseverance you can help change someone who is abusing you is hurtful to women. Yes, you should help those you love to change for the better but not put up with abuse. This read is definitely not empowering. Romanticizing abuse is sick at best. Yes, you should help those you love but not at a cost to yourself.

Caroline

Sunday, February 22nd, 2015

I wanted to update the ladies in the blog:) My guy took me to the movies this Friday. We were deliberating between American Sniper and The Wedding Ringer. He surprised me by buying two tickets for 50 shades instead. He's always trying to keep things as sexy between us as possible. We have always had a great sex life:) The movie bordered on soft porn and greatly lacked in its storyline/plot. In fact it was extremely predictable and cheesy. It also was pretty close to soft porn. My guy even said it was slow even with all the sex. It's definitely a rental at best.

Vonnie

Tuesday, February 24th, 2015

How disappointing! Nothing is more boring than a slow movie. So tell us, Caroline. Were the characters likeable? Were they set up well for their eventual change later in the series? Was it apparent that this was a story that is not black and white, but with many shades of gray? I'm curious to know.....

Jess

Saturday, February 28th, 2015

I also wanna know if Grey keeps his voice monotone throughout the movie. Does Ana manage to help him let loose and be lighthearted or does he remain ultra serious and "in control?"

Jess

Sunday, February 22nd, 2015

@Caroline I think it's great that you and your man have kept things spicy! .) Seduction, spontaneity and keeping an element of mystery is something a lot of people have forgotten about. I thought the movie looked cheesy in the trailer and you just confirmed that! Did they not have one single scene that was actually hot? Oh well, looks like the audience made it a lot of fun! :)

Caroline

Monday, February 23rd, 2015

Jess-there was a lot of nude scenes and a hot sex scene in the beginning when he finds out she's a virgin (so he remedies that-lol). But the movie was just poor and ended stupid

Caroline

Sunday, February 22nd, 2015

Oh I forgot-best thing about the movie- The Audience!!!! Big and small groups of 20s and 30 year old women-lol. The laughter, bootleg drinking and silliness. Like a subdued crowd what it must be like for male strippers. Hilarious!!!

Peter

Monday, March 9th, 2015

For every Christian Grey out there, there are at least 50 women who want him the way he is. They don't want to change him they just want to belong to him in body, mind and spirit. Once she gives herself to him she owns him. No man can reject a women who is totally his. This lasts about 3 years after that she is able to attract any man she wants, because she will have learnt the inner secrets of a man. She can then have any man she wants. Believe me I have lived it. several times.. We have often heard that infatuation is much stronger than love but never lasts as long, usually about three years. If you are women enough to demand the man you want you must be prepared to give yourself for these initial years, usually about three. No apprentice is complete until he has done his apprenticeship. So no women will own the man she wants without doing her time. Good luck girls this is from a man who is now approaching his twilight years but still remembers the women he loved because for a short time he owned them. Now they own my thoughts every day.

Peter a different one

Monday, September 21st, 2015

Hi Peter Thanks for putting your experiences into words. I to have lived exactly what you have written.Your time frame of 3 years is exactly right. After that time she was able to attract very handsome rich men. Before that she was just an unbelievably good looking women. That was when she left me and eventually she formed a relationship with one man and married him They had two beautiful children. However because of extreme perseverance (you call stalking) by me we are still in close contact 40 years down the track. Her husband does not know that we have any contact whatsoever. The difference is that my wife does know we have a platonic relationship and the two of them see each other fairly often.and are good friends. From the time I first met her she was completely obedient to my every desire without question. Eventually I began to completely love her always waiting for her to want to start again but it wasn't till after 30 years when I was in hospital she came to visit me and after waiting so long and thinking it would never happen she cradled me in her arms and whispered "I LOVE YOU".I apologized to her so profusely for the pig I had been to her but knowing that while my wife lives that she and I would never be more than very close friends. My wife once said to me that if she were to die she made me promise that I would go to her and ask to start over. This week my wife, my sole mate,my best friend...died. I wish I could do the same.The tear drops are covering my keyboard now but I know I deserve this heartache....

Anna

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016

Thank you to both Peters.Your stories really moved me.I appreciate your vulnerability here guys.

Josefina

Friday, September 18th, 2015

Thank You David. Great Article...

Anne Love

Tuesday, July 25th, 2017

Finally, some sense about the "50 shades of domestic violence" What an illusion has been created- now women all over the world are willing to subject themselves to violence!! A Psycholigist once said "Women are attracted to the bad boys of the world because they(women) think they will be the one to fix them", and whilst I believe love can change a person, that person has to be willing to start fixing themselves first. I think the greatest con line in this movie is " No you are the one who's changing me"- yeah but at what cost??!!

Why I Won’t See ‘50 Shades of Grey’

You Deserve To Be Happy

About David

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46 Comments | Join the Discussion!

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Pam

Jess

Apple

chris

Erynn Haskins

Caroline

Apple

Jess

chris

Vonnie

Caroline

Amy

Peter

Jess

Vonnie

Apple

Jess

Andrew

Laura N.

Jess

DJ Reeve

Andrew

Mike

Vonnie

Vonnie

Peter

Caroline

Vonnie

Caroline

Caroline

Vonnie

Jess

Jess

Caroline

Caroline

Peter

Peter a different one

Anna

Josefina

Anne Love