Do you ever have a night when you’re laying in bed and you feel like you want to crawl right out of your body? Last night I crashed before my girlfriend got to bed, and by the time she got there I didn’t want to be in that bed anymore. I didn’t want anyone near me . . . including me. I took a little nap earlier and then I just felt like I had fingers crawling all over me and felt really anxious.

My solution to this problem? Well I could not go upstairs and stretch out on the sofa to watch the Lost finale, since all the rooms were occupied with the houseguests. So the next best thing was the floor, which was occupied by the permanent houseguest named Daphne.

So what I ended up doing was getting on the floor and petting Daphne for an hour. Sometimes you get that feeling of being uncomfortable in your own body. Mine has to do with my lower back having so much pain lately, and no five minute massage was going to help it.

I just needed to do some deep breathing (and no one breathes deeper than Daphne!). If any of you have back pain you can relate to what I’m saying. It sucks . . . and yesterday my back felt so weird I felt like C-3PO walking around everywhere.

Enough, though, about C-3PO and Daphne’s breathing. Let’s move on to the greatest mystery EVER in the history of David Wygant . . . with the exception of who writes some of my blogs (which is still a mystery).

All this time we’ve had Coach Yakub, but for some reason or other he’s now become Coach Jacob. What is going on here?

As all of you know, in the world of PUAs and pickup people love changing their names. We don’t do that kind of thing here, though, so why is Yakub now Jacob?

We here in the office had our own suspicions about what the real reasons are, and we believed it was for sexual reasons. We thought it was because he wanted a woman to call him “Big Bad Jake” in bed (and not “Big Yak”).

We were sure that a woman had mistakenly called out “Oh Jake!” in bed . . . and Yakub/Jacob really liked it! We were close . . . but not exactly right. I can tell you that this change happened one night, and the rumor is true that it happened one night when Yakub/Jacob was having sex.

It happened when he was having sex with a woman named Amy/Amy (no name change for her). In the middle of having this sex with Amy, she all of a sudden yelled out “Oh Yak!”

Yakub/Jacob thought that she had to yak (meaning throw up). As Amy was on top of him at the time, he pushed her off of him and threw her to the ground. Then he quickly ran to his bathroom and got a garbage can.

Amy looked at him and said “What are you doing?!” Yakub/Jacob replied, “You said you had to yak.” Amy then said “No! I was screaming your name out in an orgasmic frenzy!”

At that moment Yakub/Jacob realized that he no longer wanted to be called a regurgitative sound. He didn’t want to be called Yak. He wanted to be called Jake.

So he and Amy proceeded to have sex again, and as they did he said to her “Do me a favor and call me Jake.” So she did and the next time she said his name it was “Oh Jake, Oh Jake!” At that exact moment, Yakub/Jacob got turned on so much that he decided his name was from that moment on going to be Coach Jacob because it sounds better in bed.

The problem with becoming Jacob is that his last name is Khan.  So he asked me the other day if he should change his last name. As I am a bad Jew (who doesn’t even know when the holidays are), I didn’t even know if it was possible to make a Khan a Cohen. Perhaps we need to ask the non-Jew Madonna who is now apparently a good Jew.  

Now he wants to become Jacob Cohen, because Jacob Khan sounds kinda funny. So now, suddenly, all the guys from Bangladesh who are named Yakub are now becoming Jacob, and all Khans are becoming Cohens.

The question is this: If we have a Yakub Khan who becomes Jacob Cohen, do all Jewish men named Jacob Cohen become Yakub Khans? Is that possible? Is there going to be a mass exodus from people’s given names all because during one sexual act Yakub/Jacob thought a woman was going to regurgitate on him when she yelled out “Oh Yak!” during orgasm?

So there you have it. This is the reason why we now have Coach Jacob instead of Coach Yakub, and why this blog formally ends us calling Yakub/Jacob anything but Jacob.

It’s all due to one hot, sexy, passionate night with some woman named Amy (who I’m only calling Amy because I really don’t know the Bangladeshian word for Amy). Perhaps Yakub Jacob Cohen Khan can help us today with that.