WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEN GONE?
By, The Foxy Blonde

Readers, I’ve got a problem and I need your help. David has graciously offered you up as a sounding board, and I’m counting on you. Here goes. I’m in my mid-30s, single and looking for a relationship. I know I’m not the only woman out there in this position. An entire TV show, Sex and The City, was based on this very premise. So logically, there ought to be some men out there for me, let’s say 35 to 45, who are also single and dateable. Except that there aren’t. None at all. If you don’t believe me, let me prove it to you. I can divide all the 35 to 45-year-old men of the world into five neat categories of hopelessness:

1. EARLY MARRIED GUY: Some guys are born to get married. They sow their wild oats in college, spend a few years kick-starting their careers, turn 26 and then – Bam! – pop the question to the first nice girl they meet. Mr. Early Married has never felt the painful pangs of commitment phobia. He knows what he wants, whether it’s 2.5 kids and a 2-car garage or 2 kids and a 2.5 car garage. You gotta love Early Married Guy. You just can’t date him. Unless, he moves into category #2…

2 BITTER DIVORCED GUY: Sure, half of all marriages end in divorce. But these divorces don’t restock the dating pool with fresh water – more like toxic waste. Meet Bitter Divorced Guy! So disappointed by the failure of his marriage, he lets one bad apple spoil the whole bunch. More bluntly, he thinks having a bitch ex-wife means all women are bitches. Bitter Divorced Guy is angry. He should not be allowed to date without years of therapy. But there he is, eager to get back at his ex-wife and the world at large by screwing you over. Avoid at all costs.

3. BACHELOR FOR LIFE GUY: Maybe this guy never wanted to get married. Or maybe he just missed the window. Either way, he’s realized that life is easier for him if he goes it alone. He can play video games with his friends, spend his money on giant televisions and jet skis, buy a pit bull, decorate in black leather, wear the same underwear for three days straight, and No One Will Say Anything. No woman equals no nagging and no judgment. As a bonus, he can sleep around with women 20 years younger, but that’s almost missing the point. Mr. Bachelor is so set in his ways that the moment you ask him to forgo a boys’ fishing weekend to attend your own sister’s wedding, you’ve become too needy. See ya.

4. BIGGER BETTER DEAL GUY: This guy probably started out normal. He might have even been a geek. He suffered a lot of broken hearts in his teens and 20s. But then everything changed. Suddenly, in his 30s, the women who used to reject him started lining up around the block. This can be explained by the Law of Inverse Dating, which states that while men in their 30’s are becoming more confident, more successful and better looking, women are becoming more insecure, more panicked about their biological clocks and more desperate to pair off. This phenomenon gives the 30-something guy all the power. And it goes to his head. The former dork can suddenly date anybody and everybody he wants. So why should he settle? There he is, talking to a pretty, successful attorney at a cocktail party, when wait, there’s a supermodel. Sorry, gotta go! (Bigger Better Deal Guy is always looking over your head, especially if you’re 5’2” and she’s 5’10”.) It is almost impossible to get Bigger Better Deal Guy’s attention as he relives and rewrites his teen years, casting himself as the Mr. Popular he never was. Bigger Better Deal Guys tend to congregate in cities like Los Angeles and New York, where large populations of actresses, models and “dancers” ruin it for the rest of us.

5. THE CLEARANCE RACK GUY: You know when you go shopping, and there’s a big sale, how exciting it is when you spot the clearance rack… Like, omigod, everything’s 60% off! I can buy anything I want! But as you know, closer inspection will almost always kill your shopping buzz. Because there isn’t anything on the clearance rack that you actually want. The clothes here tend to be ill-fitting, damaged, or just poorly designed. Let’s face it, that $100 mohair orange jumpsuit is no more appealing at $40. The items on the clearance rack are there for a reason: People didn’t buy them when they were full priced. And here comes the analogy. There is a population of men who are still single in their 30s and 40s for a very good reason: Nobody wanted them. Maybe these men are boring, cheap, negative or smelly. Maybe they are all of the above. Can you blame a girl for leaving Clearance Rack Guy behind when everyone else did too? Of course it’s possible to find a cute fixer-upper, if you’re good with a needle and thread and some bleach. But there’s nothing you can do with an orange mohair jumpsuit. Nothing. Next!

If there’s a guy outside of these five categories, I’ve yet to meet him. Sure, I’ve heard rumors about Been Busy With His Career Guy, the reformed workaholic who’s neither bitter nor defective, just delayed. But I think he’s an urban myth. I’m better off trying to date Bigfoot. People of cyberspace, help me out. I’d love to be proven wrong. Ladies, am I too picky? Guys, do you recognize yourselves in one of these categories, and if not, who are you and where do you live? I’ll be logging on every six seconds to hear your answers. Until then…The Foxy Blonde.