My boyfriend is suddenly so stressed out. I feel him pulling away.

I get this email all the time from so many women. Your boyfriend has vanished into his man cave.

His life seems to be overwhelming him right now, and no matter what you do, he seems to go deeper and darker as each day passes.

The sex is starting to wane. Intimate moments and conversation, they’re all very taxing. He doesn’t really answer his phone; it takes him a long time to text back; and if you’re living with him, he’s retreated to the side of the house that even you dare not go anymore. He spends too much time alone in the garage doing things, making excuses, but the bottom line is he has pulled away. He no longer wants to connect with you and I know how that makes you feel.

It makes you feel hurt, lonely, rejected and frustrated. So now you’ve got two frustrated people in a relationship, and whenever there are two frustrated people in a relationship, there becomes toxicity.

Nothing good can come when a man shuts down and the woman follows; you get two frustrated people and that will only lead to fighting, arguing and just a plain old toxic relationship.

So you notice this, the signs of the man pulling away. It’s very simple, he becomes less chatty, becomes more stressed out, starts blaming things on you, other people.

he's pulling awayYou see the signs, so what do you do to prevent it from happening and how do you re-engage him if he actually pulls away?

Whenever a man starts pulling away in the beginning, you need to say, “Hey, I’m noticing something right now. I’m feeling you pull away and I just want to let you know that I love you, like you, respect you (whatever term you use, whatever stage you’re at), and I’m hear to support you and listen to you and talk to you, when you’re ready to share, no pressure. I understand sometimes you men need to work things out on your own and I totally get that.”

That’s what you need to say immediately.

If I know when I’m pulling away, I don’t want any more confrontation, I’m doing enough of it inside my own mind. I’m already feeling the turmoil in my body and the stress, but I’m looking for somebody who understands and somebody who I know I can feel safe to talk to about the things that are bothering me, without judgement.

For men, it’s a lot harder for us to verbalize our true feelings. So if we feel like we’re being critiqued, or if we feel like we’re being evaluated, then we’re just going to go further into the cage because our ego has taught us that we can fix ourselves and fix anything.

In reality, we’re just scared.

We’re scared. We’re scared to voice. We don’t want you to think less of us. We’re going through a hard time. So just knowing that you’ll support us is super important.

So what if he’s already in the deep, dark cave? You really need to say the same thing. But if you’ve attacked him in any way and he’s frustrated, you need to come up to him and say this:

“Hey, I’m really sorry that I’ve not been supportive. I realize that you’re going through something tough and when you shut down, it really hurts to disconnect from you. So I got frustrated and let my own feelings get in the way. I’m sorry for that. And I’m sorry for not being there to support you and allowing my frustration to show. You’re important to me, I love you, I don’t want to lose you. So I’m here for you. I’m here in a very non-judgmental space to listen to whatever you might be going through so I can support you however I can.”

Clearly, the way I wrote both statements includes lots of love, lots of support, and lots of caring. During this dark time, we’re looking for the feminine energy to help us, guide us, and allow us to be where we’re at. But just knowing that we’re being supported and we feel safe will help us come out of that man cave, stop us from retreating. This is a huge part of a relationship that a lot of people, men and women, fail at. So I’m giving you the tools to no longer fail.