What Is Your View Towards Intimacy?

May I ask you a question right now?

Are you into hiking or surfing?

How about doing pottery in the nude?

Taking long walks on the beach?

Drinking wine with every meal?

When it comes to online dating, I always feel like people are forcing intimacy.

Does Intimacy Mean Having the Same Interests?

forcing intimacy Recently, on an online dating site, some woman asked me if I hike or surf.

No, I don’t really hike or surf.

You see, I don’t really like to walk around in the blazing hot sun and to me, hiking is a road trip to nowhere. You’re literally getting nowhere and then you have to turn around and go through the same stuff all over again.

But I’m sure that was something that was interesting to her and I conveyed that to her with the following text:

I’m sure that you have romantic dreams and notions of meeting somebody that you can hike and surf around the world with. I get that. 🙂

To me that’s forced intimacy.

You have your passions; things you love to do.

Me, I like walking around city streets and checking out architecture; I can do that all day long. To tell you the truth, I don’t really care if I get you to like that or not because I do that enough on my own so if you don’t want to do it, I’m still going to do it on my own.

Having Your Own Hobbies is a Good Thing

Maybe the woman I’m dating wants to go to a museum and I just want to walk around and check out shops and talk to people and get some food and look at architecture and do things that I like.

So, she can go to the museum. I can do my walking around.

We can meet later in the day.

And we can share with each other how we enjoyed our day.

But so many people want to be joined at the hip.

I don’t ski. To be on two sticks sliding down solid ice and snow, it’s a very dangerous feat.

But it doesn’t mean I won’t go on a ski vacation.

She can ski all day long, snowboard, do all the things that she wants and I’ll stay in the nice warm lounge and sit by the fireplace and talk to people and shoot the shit, eat good food and hang out.

I don’t think I like wine. Well I don’t, but it doesn’t mean she can’t have a glass of wine when we go out to dinner.

I don’t think a woman would write that they love wine on their online dating profile, but you get the point.

Stop trying to force intimacy and trying to find somebody who is exactly like you. We’re all going to have different things we enjoy doing, things that make us happy. Some of like to swim, some of us like to sit under a coconut tree.

Some of us like to eat gluten, some don’t.

Some of us are gym people, while others like to go to a yoga class. It’s not about doing everything together; you don’t need that. You need to be able to do things on your own, to enjoy the company of yourself and then share the beautiful moments with somebody.

So stop trying to force intimacy. The next time you meet somebody online and you tell them that if he doesn’t hike or surf, that’s okay. He’ll sit underneath the coconut tree; you can go surfing and he’ll come greet you afterwards with a towel, and maybe a mojito if you like alcohol.

That’s it. Anybody want to go surfing or hiking, don’t call me.

About David

1.7 million men & women come to me every month to find the secrets to success. And after 20 years of coaching, I’ve discovered the golden keys to success in dating, business, health and wellness, and life.

I’ve helped millions of men and women around the globe achieve success in their dating, social and personal lives. I’m also a father to the world’s cutest little girl, and I am an unapologetic man. Some say I’m nuts, others say I’ve changed their life forever. One thing’s for certain: I’ll always give you the truth, whether you can handle it or not. I never sugar coat anything.

Nice is so overrated. I’d prefer brutally honest breakthrough to a “nice” rut any damn day of the week. If you’re the same way, then you've come to the right place.

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Vonnie

Monday, June 13th, 2016

I agree. Intimacy can't be forced. It's either there or it isn't. Sometimes it can grow because if you like someone you're going to be interested in what they do and perhaps develop an appreciation for it, if not an interest. On the other hand, differences is what makes others interesting and adds zing to a relationship. I never dream about meeting someone who has exactly my interests because I don't think he exists. If he does, he might be a bit pompous and I don't need that in my life. And, I so LOVE my freedom! I can't imagine being joined at the hip with anyone no matter how much I like that person. Mom and I got along so well because we enjoyed doing things together and apart. If she didn't like something or couldn't participate in what interested me, I'd park her on a bench or find a coffee shop for her and go do my thing. I'd always bring her into the bookstore with me and find coffee and a magazine or book that she'd like to read while I wondered around seemingly for hours..Because I loved museums, she started to like museums too, probably because I brought her to exhibits that I thought she would like. Then I'd give her a 5 star tour. In hindsight, my time with Mom was excellent training for a relationship. David, you would probably enjoy nature walking more if you did it in cooler temperatures. I think the fun of hiking is to enjoy the moment, and meditate on all the nature you see. When you're surrounded by trees, how can you not do that! Whenever I'm outside and around trees, I naturally start meditating because I'm at one with the moment. Insights come in the stillness and quiet of the moment. It happens even when I'm gazing out a window at greenery. It's all about connecting to the beauty of nature. Like you, I so enjoy taking long walks. One of these days, I want to hike and see what it's about, but not in the blazing hot sun. I love walking through city parks with its paved trails. That includes the zoo. I would love to do that more. Here in the NW, there's trees everywhere and often paved trails so it's shaded and therefore not hot and so enjoyable to walk. In other words, find the paved trails. It might be more enjoyable for you. I also like looking at architecture, and, if the architecture is fetching, then the inside of the building. That is one reason why I am looking forward to returning to Washington DC. This time, the Octagon House will be open so I can actually go inside it and look around. That means see the interior because I love interiors too. I hear it's devoted to architecture. How serendipitous is that! My problem is finding space to squeeze a visit into my very busy schedule. So much to see and do and so little time!

Wednesday, June 15th, 2016

P.S. Here's an insightful article on forest bathing in which you can also do in a park. In other words, a restful stroll in nature where you leisurely engage all your senses. Doesn't that sound tantalizing! Here's the link: https://www.betterbones.com/blog/post/Forest-bathing-healing-in-nature.aspx?

Linda

Thursday, June 16th, 2016

I think having individual hobbies is a great test. When I was dating my husband we had separate hobbies but usually limited our conversations to the things we had in common. It was not until we moved in together that we started to talk about the things we did on our own. That is when I found out he was not interested in anything I did alone and did not want to hear about them. He on the other hand insisted I listen to what he had to tell me about his hobbies and work. A great way to find out what it is like to live alone with another person.

What Is Your View Towards Intimacy?

Does Intimacy Mean Having the Same Interests?

Having Your Own Hobbies is a Good Thing

About David

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Vonnie

Vonnie

Linda