Labels Suck!
By David Wygant

What’s up with labels? Now, I’m not talking about Prada, Dolce & Gabbana or Gucci. I am talking about a 60 year-old woman who walks around and tells everyone about her 70 year-old “boyfriend.” Doesn’t she really have a man-friend?

After high school, isn’t it time for women to stop calling their significant others “boyfriends?” I’m sorry, but a 43 year-old man is not your “boyfriend.” He is your man-friend. He is your lover. He is your best friend. He may be the man you’re wildly humping every night of the week. For some of you, he might be your provider. For some of you he might be your booty call. Your “boy,” however, he is not.

Women complain all the time about how they don’t want to date boys . . . but then they objectify us by calling us “boyfriends.” How are we supposed to act? If you want to get us off the Wii, then you have to treat us like men (instead of boys).

Now the men are not going to escape this wrath. So here’s another thing. Men should not be calling their woman-friend, lover and main squeeze their “girlfriend.” Unless you’re Chester Chester the Child Molester, you do not have a “girlfriend.” You have a woman-friend.

Here’s another contradiction. Women get so pissed when you call them “girls” and when men treat them like girls. When a guy introduces them to his friends as his “girlfriend,” though, they get all gushy. Make up your mind!

That is why labels are so stupid. There are times when every woman is still a little girl and every man is still a little boy . . . no matter what age they are. So really, the next time you want to throw a label on something, think about it first. If you want to be my “girlfriend,” then don’t yell at me if I treat you like a girl and not like a woman.

If you are dating me, I want to be called your lover and your man. I do not want to be your “boyfriend,” because when I picture a boy all I see is a little kid nibbling on Skittles candy . . . not on your hard, erect nipples.

Now if you really want me to be your “boyfriend,” then we might as well eat a lot of sugar, get some teenage acne, make out, dry hump all over each other, get blue balls, then painfully go home and jerk off. I remember the first time my high school girlfriend gave me blue balls. I layed down for fourteen hours with everything hurting from breathing to peeing.

So really, let’s call each other what we actually are. Also, for you ladies, if you are still dating boys then you’ll get that “boyfriend” you always say you want.

Women tell me over and over again in the blog that they want to know where all the men are, yet they continue to talk about wanting a “boyfriend.” Be careful what you wish for . . . because if you say you want a “boyfriend,” you are going to get that immature man-boy over and over again.