I’m just going to make a list.

I’m not going to get wordy here because we’re talking about texting. If you think about it, most people are well, not that wordy when they text.

One of the things I want to tell you about texting is that when you’re texting somebody, match their texting style.

If they’re somebody that likes to have a long block of text, send them that back, because that’s somebody who actually likes to read something long.

If it’s somebody that will do six texts in a row with each certain point, then text them that way because that’s the way their brain works. If there’s somebody that likes picture texts, send them picture texts back. Video texts, voice texts.

But today, I don’t want to talk about what to do when you’re texting. I want to talk about what not to do.

I want to go to sexting.

I don’t understand the full-blown sexting texting.

Sure, it’s great to send somebody a little naughty recap about the night before or about how much you want to kiss them or be with them or whatever it might be — there’s nothing wrong with that, I think that’s kind of fun and playful and different and interesting.

But the — well, the sexting —

Where you’re both masturbating, holding your phone —

There’s nothing sexy about masturbating, holding an iPhone, reading words on the screen as you’re literally taking one hand and touching yourself.

And the other hand, you’re literally touching the screen and saying things like:

I’m so wet right now.

I’m so hard right now.

What are you doing with your hand right now?

My answer to that has always been:

I’m fucking typing you right now.

How can I even concentrate on the pleasure right now? Because this iPhone is distracting.

Using the iPhone for phone sex or Facetime sex — now that’s fun. Mutual masturbation via Facetime — come on, use your brain, folks. Use your creativity. You’ve got this great device that’s in front of you, and if you’re going to masturbate and you’re going to have sexting, you might as well do it Facetime to Facetime.

Another thing I don’t like people to do via text is to get into a full-blown text argument. Oh my god, that’s so annoying. I had somebody once that loved to text argue — she was great. She could go all day long in the text argument, non-stop. Words vomiting all over my screen, ugly words, angry words, back and forth. And of course, me being who I am, I engaged back. I don’t do that anymore because I think text arguments are a complete waste of time. Not only that, so many words could be misinterpreted. So if you’re about to get into an argument where something is not working and you’re miscommunicating via text, I strongly suggest you literally send this text:

Hey, pick up the phone.

Let’s talk about this for a few minutes, because I don’t want anything to be misinterpreted.

Those are the two things that I think should really be avoided when you’re texting.

I think entire an entire relationship should be avoided if it’s only texting.

But those are a couple of things that I think you could literally make your life so much better. No fighting.

No arguing.

Keep sex to be more creative.

And you’ll have a much happier life.

Another thing you can avoid during texting is if you’re driving to someone’s house, and you’re lost, you shouldn’t be driving and texting. Pick up the fucking phone and say, I’m lost.

Another thing that drives me nuts is when I’m driving to somebody’s house.

And I’m running late. And they’re texting me. Are you almost here? Pick up the phone and ask me if I’m almost here. I may not get there because you’re texting and I had to look down at the ground or the seat next to me to see who texted me. And I got into a car wreck at the same exact time.

We become so lazy. And we have such a fear of talking to one another. What’s wrong with picking up the phone and actually saying are you late?

Those are some of the things. Another thing, too:

If you know somebody is at work or they’re with their kids or whatever else and you’re just one of those stream-of-conscious texters where you’re constantly texting somebody non-stop…

I strongly suggest that you leave people alone and understand that there are boundaries that you need to respect.