The After-Breakup Emotional Stage

David,

I just broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago.  I can’t stop thinking about him when our song comes on the radio.  

When I sit around and watch The Biggest Loser on TV I think about him—that was our show.

We had inside jokes about the Kardashians and now she’s having a baby with Kanye West, and all I wanted to do was have a baby with him.  I still think about all that went wrong, but yet, I still feel all these feelings for him.

He called me the other day and said that he thinks he wants to come back.  What do I do?

— Susan

Susan, you’re in the after-breakup emotional stage.  Of course you’re thinking about all the wonderful things that went right, but why don’t you spend some time thinking about all the things that went wrong.

What I’d like you to do right now is write in a journal all the things you want in a man. Everything from how you want to feel, to how you want to be touched, to how you want to be made love to.

I want you to close your eyes and imagine that man is next to you right now.

That man is talking to you.  What’s the tone of his voice?  How does his voice sound?

I want you to imagine sharing your day with that man.  How does he listen?  How does he react?

I want you to imagine making love to this man.  How does it feel when he’s inside of you?  How does it feel when he kisses you?

How does it feel after sex?  Are you satisfied after sex? Has he touched you enough?

I want you to imagine all of this.  I want you to imagine all of the things you’d do with him.

Then, after you’ve written down your perfect man, I want you to write down everything your ex-boyfriend was.

I want you to write down all the things he did for you that made you feel wonderful, and I want you to write down all the things that made you not so good.

And I want you to read those lists out loud, and I want you to see how far away your ex was from being that man that makes you feel the way you need to feel.

We’re so raw and open during our emotional stage after breakups.  That’s why there’s so many ridiculous products out there about trying to get an ex back.

But in reality: the word ex means ex for a reason.  Ex means it did not work out.  It wasn’t meant to be, and there’s somebody better for you down the road.  Somebody that’s going to fit you better, somebody that’s going to respond to you better and satisfy your needs.

The emotional time is that dangerous time when couples get back together.  Promises are made, everything feels great, and then that same person appears again a week later.

Everybody promises they’ll change, but nobody every really changes.  He had an opportunity to change during the relationship—he didn’t.  And that’s probably the reason why he’s an ex today.

So think about this.  Stay tough.  Do something great for yourself.  Go on a breakup trip with some of your friends. Do something different and STOP thinking about the last man—think about the next man.