Sex TalkHow many of you are ‘sex talkers?’

What I’m about to share with you is not what you think.  It’s not about the conversations you have with your lover during sex. You know, the great pillow talk, the dirty talk, telling them what you want.  Not about telling them how good they feel and how wonderful it feels to be with them. I’m talking about the conversations you have in your own head during the sex.

These conversations kill sexual intimacy. Women have them all the time. Men have them all the time. Women’s conversations are…

“Does he want to do that?”

“Ah, I just lost that orgasm, where did it go?”

“How are they going to be able to cum? He’s not doing it right.”

“I’m not really that relaxed right now”.

And the funny thing about it is there’s so many more conversations. I can list them over, and over, and over again. Men have them too. A woman goes down on a man and he thinks to himself…

‘Does she really want to do that, or is she just doing this for me?’

‘Is she going to want to swallow or am I going to have to tell her before I cum?’ 

‘Oh no, oh no, I stopped getting hard.’ 

‘Get hard again, get hard again.’

Even when you’re about to have sex, the conversations go crazy.

‘Oh god, I’m not that hard. Am I going to stay hard?’

“How do I become a great lover?”

A woman will think to herself, “What if I’m being too loud?” 

There are so many conversations that go on inside our brains that ruin the act of intimacy. What does it matter if your penis isn’t as hard as it should be? Just the way it is right now.  What does it matter if you can’t orgasm the right way?

You Can’t Give Her Great Sex If You’re In Your Head!

Here’s the deal. Conversations during sex should be out of your head and into the open. You should be able to talk to someone and tell them, “Look I’m a little nervous right now, I’m having trouble maintaining an erection.”

“I really need you to go to the left a little bit more, or slow down with your tongue, or use the finger.”

Instead of keeping this inside your head and hoping the person that you’re with can figure you out, you take these conversations into the bedroom. You have to stop yourself when you begin having these thoughts, and communicate right in that moment. It’s okay, because you’re not having true intimacy. True intimacy is to let go.

And let me tell you, this happens to everybody.  When I was younger I remember I went through a period when I had trouble getting an erection.  So of course, my consciousness, was always about, am I going to get an erection today. I remember I was about to have sex with this woman, and I was sort of hard.

I thought to myself, this might be my only chance tonight to get hard.  And sure enough she started kissing my body all over again, and I’m just like ‘no, no, no, no. We can’t do that, we can’t do that.”  This went through my head. We can’t do that right now. We need to just have sex because I’m hard right now. I need to get inside you.

It happens a lot. It happens because we are not really comfortable with somebody yet. We haven’t fully communicated who we are. We’re probably not ready for sex with that person. But because we so want to have sex, we force things. We have sex quicker than we should.  Sex is great when two people are really ready to enjoy each other.  It could happen on the first date, second date, the 10th date. It should happen when both of you feel comfortable around each other.

Once you have these sex conversations inside your head, the sex is not going to be that enjoyable. Bringing what’s going on inside you to the forefront in the beginning is much better.  A friend of mine the other day came over, he asked me if I had any Viagra, which I don’t; I don’t need it.  I said why? He said because I’m having sex tonight with this woman for the first time and I am a little nervous.

And I looked at him and I said, don’t have sex with her.  Have sex with her another night.  Talk to her, tell her you are a little nervous. Communicate with her, maybe she’s a little nervous too.  Then the two of you can explore each other on a far more intimate, powerful, connected level.

Take the conversations inside your head and start having them outside. You’ll find the person you’re with probably has the same anxiety as you.