sex-math-david-wygantHave you taken a course in Sex Statistics?

If not, then you probably don’t know your CPL.

What’s CPL? Cost Per Load.

Let me explain:

I’ve got a really funny friend of mine that lives in Manhattan.

This guy has been perpetually single.

And with every woman he dates, he breaks down the cost per load.

I’m not kidding. When he goes out with a woman, he figures out how much he spends on her compared to how many loads he busts.

Hear me out because this guy is one of the wackiest daters in the world and I just needed to share his thoughts with you today and give you a chuckle.

So, he was recently dating a woman. It actually took him four days to have sex with her. He’s got a spreadsheet in his head. (The guy’s a bond trader so he thinks like that.)

So what happened?

He called me up and said, “David, my new lover has the highest CPL of any woman I’ve been with!”

And then I laughed hysterically.

Every time I take his call I laugh hysterically because nobody ever talks like that.

“I’m not going to lie to you, David. Every time we have sex, it’s $600 a load. That is one really expensive load!

Usually I’m under a $30 CPL. A couple of dates, spend $100, screw her three or four times that night, I’m down to $25 a load.”

This man has sex down to an absolute (disgusting) science. Any woman reading this blog right now is probably dry heaving at the moment, but there are a lot of men that think about how much it costs them to get laid.

So Jim would—of course—ask:

How efficient are you with your money?

What is your CPL?

And as funny and disturbed as it is, Jim made me think about how a lot of guys go and spend a ton of money on a woman that they don’t even know.

As a matter of fact, I’m sitting here with a friend of mine and she just told me that some guy once took her out on a $400 first date.

The only word that came out of my mouth was, “SUCKER.”

$400 on a first date for somebody you barely even know? It’s absolutely ridiculous.

Now I’m not crude like my friend Jim. I don’t believe that you need to amortize the specific cost per load. But you do need to understand that you’re spending money on a total stranger.

I don’t believe in spending money on a woman until we’re intimate.

And I’m not cheap. I go out on a date with them, I have a good time, I’ll go to the movies, I’ll do fun things. But why am I going to go spend $400 on a night with somebody that I probably won’t ever see again.

My friend Jim would look at that and tell you that the cost per load was way too high.

But that’s when you’re a psychotic 52-year-old bond trader that’s never been married and has fucked every 25-year-old secretary that has ever hit Wall Street.

If you’re ever in New York City, let me know, I’ll hook you up with him. He’ll take you through his spreadsheet. He’ll help you understand how to lower the cost per load.

Or you can just skip the trip to the bank, take her out to coffee, and call it a…date.