Are you a mama?

Are you a mommy? It seems like the word mama is coming back all over the place. It’s like an old term — I think my mother used it in the ’40s to call her mom or grandmother — mama.

But it’s crossing generations now, and it’s invading all of us because everywhere I go, when I run into a mama…

They all think they’re the BEST mama in the world.

I’ve never met a mama that has not thought they were the best mom in the world, and it’s starting to really piss me off. It’s actually irritating and annoying to talk to these human beings.

I’m going to tell you why. I don’t walk around and tell people, well, I’m a dad. If I do, I don’t tell them I’m the best dad in the entire world because, for me to do that, I would need to go to the Daddy Olympics and I would need to compete with other dads. We’d have a mental test,

A physical test,

A handling stress test,

And after-school test,

A get your kid to bed test,

A get your kid to brush their teeth better test…

I mean, that’s what would really happen at the Daddy Olympics. I would have to go and compete with all the other dads in the world to see whether or not I am the best damn dad that’s ever come across.

But, the problem is…

We live in a culture now where everybody’s a self-proclaimed fucking know-it-all.

That’s just the way we are. We get a little validation, we post something on Facebook, people give you a like or a thumbs-up. They don’t even read what you really wrote, they just validate you.

You put up a picture on Instagram, people will give you hearts and more validation. And before you know it, you’re actually believing your own bullshit.

So everywhere I go, I run into mamas because I’ve got a daughter, talking to single mamas, talking to regular mamas. And they all believe they’re the best mama ever. Their advice, the way they parent, the way they do things — it’s all justified and validated, and they just think they’re so perfect. As a matter of fact, some of these perfect humans and these perfect mamas now have mama blogs. Ok?

And they’re now a parenting expert because they have one child, and they become this parenting expert. And then they share everything that their little kid does. Everything about their kid’s life and what happens, what it feels like to be a mama and what happened with little Johnny that day.

And they post pictures all over social media.

Screech. Halt. Are you seeing what’s wrong with this picture?

Social media? Do you know how many creepy people are on social media?

And you post yourself in a video of you picking your child up from the nursery school and literally name the name of the nursery school you’re posting on social media. Then you think your Facebook page is actually protected, when it really isn’t. Because certain things show up, and certain things don’t show up. It’s a matter of how you click that little button — public — when you post something. Either the world can see it, or your friends can see it — or certain people can see it. But most people don’t know about that little button because Facebook just wants you to post everything out there.

So there are people that I’m not even friends with that I can see where their kid went to school.

Plus, there is nothing sacred. Like, my child and I — I think the only thing I’ll ever post is if we do a voice change or face change on Snapchat. Because then nobody can see who she is and nobody will know who she is. And I leave my relationship with her private.

As a matter of fact, in most of my blogs, I want you to e-mail me if you know the name of my daughter. Go ahead, because I don’t think I’ve ever written the name of my daughter — it’s always “my daughter.” If I have, if I slipped up one time, I’m not going to win the Daddy Olympics — I’m a bad dad because I didn’t protect my kid.

But it seems like mamas just want to boast and boast and boast about how wonderful and how great they are.

Look, I’m not discrediting mamas.

My mom was great. I think being a mother is a fantastic gift.

I think it’s something that should be cherished between you, your daughter, your son, and your husband — or if you’re not married, you, your daughter and son, and your ex.

But posting all your accomplishments as a mother online, and posting all these pictures online so crazy people and weird people can look at that — and then hashtagging these things so other people can find your Instagram? So they can see pictures of you and your kids and how blissfully happy you are?

Is all wrong. Then again, we live in America the Narcissist Capital of the World, so everybody wants to be validated.

Validation comes from within. If you’re a great mama, allow other people to congratulate you. People you know and love, and for all you great mamas — I’ve read some of your blogs that you post and I’ve talked to you. Most of you never even admit when you do something wrong in the world of mama land. Just seems like you’ve come up with your own style of parenting and it’s the right one that you want to impose on other people.

I’m all for people helping people. But these self-proclaimed experts, whether it’s mamas or anything else, are starting to wear thin.