I’m going to quote a woman right now, who I’m actually sitting with as I’m writing this. We were talking about sex, and she gave me the line of the world.

Why the world?

She told me when a guy doesn’t make any noise during sex, it’s like fucking a stuffed animal.

Think About That

I thought about it. I remember the movie Ted, and Ted 2, and I remember that obnoxious little teddy bear pumping the white trash-named girl. I forget her name – Eddie May or Suzy May, or something – his girlfriend.

And he wasn’t moaning, groaning or anything. I began visualizing, picturing the woman I was sitting with having sex with a giant six foot two inch stuffed animal.

I pictured the stuffed animal taking his little button nose and kissing her chest.

I pictured him going down on her and getting his little stuffed animal fur all sticky and wet.

The whole time not saying a single word.

I pictured him playing with her with his little stuffed animal paw.

As he slowly took his paw and moved it inside of her, and she slowly had an orgasm from his stuffed animal paw, he still said nothing.

Then, I pictured him getting on top. That sweaty, sticky, stuffed animal.

And literally pounding away at her like a stuffed animal can, not grunting or groaning.

I pictured her having an orgasm as fast as she possibly could because she knew Mr. Teddy Bear was about to blow his honey load inside her.

The problem is Mr. Teddy Bear didn’t let out a single moan, groan or anything.

His face was about as stoic as Ted’s.

Are You a Sexual Teddy Bear?

teddy bear sexPicture that little teddy bear you had when you were a child.

Picture him right now. Is that your face during sex?

So here’s a woman, oozing and juicy for you. Cumming for you. Moaning and groaning. And you, what are you doing?

You’ve got nothing but a teddy bear face looking directly at her, as you lay there with your teddy bear arms folded over you. She’s wondering if you even enjoyed it. Not a moan, not a groan, nothing.

She basically made love to, had sex with, fucked a giant teddy bear.

I bet Teddy Ruxpin, the one from FAO Schwarz in New York, had even more emotion than you.

So what’s the moral of this Ted 2 story?

Become Her Sexual Equal

Women love when you express it. She wants to have sex with King Kong. She wants to hear you moan, groan, conquer, scream and yell because it means the way that she’s moving, sucking and touching is actually working.

She goes down on you and she’s working your cock, and you’re doing nothing but breathing?

Or just lying there with that deadpan look that a teddy bear has?

She looks up at you. She’s not looking up at you to give you a smile, she’s looking up at you to see whether or not this fucking teddy bear has come to life.

So at this moment right now, Mr. Teddy Bear, you need to understand this.

She’s working you, she’s touching you, she’s tipping you, she’s fucking you. She is willing to swallow you and you’re going to do nothing but just lay there and go mmm, one little groan and that’s about it?

Or maybe, like that talking teddy bear, Ruxpin, you have only one track that comes out of your mouth.

“I’m cumming,” that’s what guys will do before they cum.

It’s ridiculous. You’re no different than Teddy Ruxpin. You’re no different than Ted 2. The next time you have sex, remember, she doesn’t want to fuck a teddy bear. She wants to be able to moan and groan with her equal. That’s the first tip to having amazing sex. If she kisses your neck, do something besides nothing, do a little groan, a little moan. When you kiss her lips, again, do a little moan or a little groan, so she keeps going. Not only that, there is a tantric sex trick I’m going to teach you right now.

When you hug a woman, you go mmm, like that. You do a little bit of a groan because it will send chills up and down her spine.

Otherwise, she’s going to picture making out with Ted and that’s not what you want to be. Be more primal, howl like a coyote, howl like a wolf, grunt like an ape. Don’t just lay there like a big giant stuffed teddy bear.