Have you ever been in a relationship in which you keep having the same conversation over and over again? You’ve explained your situation, or a need or desire you have, or something that might bother you about your partner.

You’ve talked about it with them over and over and over again. You feel good after each conversation.

Then two or three days later, you realize you are about to have that same conversation again, because nothing has changed. Their mannerisms and their actions haven’t changed.

What you fail to realize in this situation, though, is that you can express your needs, emotions and desires over and over again but your partner has to want to satisfy them. It’s up to them to make the changes.

It’s up to them to see the importance in it for you. It’s up to them to have the compassion. It’s up to them to do the work at that point. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink (as the saying goes).

What’s interesting is that all of what I just said is also true about yourself. Have you ever had a conversation with yourself over and over again about a change you want to make?

Maybe it’s something like, “I’m going to start going to the gym and I am going to finally lose this weight.” You feel really great after you give yourself that pep talk. Three days later, however, you are right back on the couch eating a piece of cake. You feel lazy and you don’t do it.

This is how we run our own lives, so it’s even more difficult when it’s something we want someone else – like our partner – to do. It’s something that causes an uncomfortable dynamic in the relationship, but the bottom line is they have to want to do it. You can’t make them.

You must have full faith in the other person. Being an imperfect human being yourself, however, you know how hard it is to break your own habits.

So when you put these two dynamics in a relationship, it’s really frustrating. It could drive you up the wall, because you are battling over the same stuff over and over again. You are waiting for someone else to respond over and over again.

What’s the solution to this problem? The solution is to start working on your own stuff every single day.

If there is something that you do (or don’t do) that bothers your partner, then show them how you are working on your own stuff. Lead by example. Show them that you can make the changes, and that you can treat them the way they want to be treated.

If you lead by example, then the next time you have that conversation with your partner you can say “Look at how I have progressed. I need you to participate too.” give them the encouragement they need.

When I’m coaching someone, I’m the one who calls them out over and over on their shit. I do it nonstop, until they finally figure out what they need to do and do it. It’s all about small steps every single day.

When you want to work on this for yourself, the best way to do that is for you to take baby steps every single day. If it’s about approaching the opposite sex, then start by just saying hello for one day. If it’s about filling an emotional need that your partner has, then do one thing that day that makes them happy.