Relationship guiltI went out with a friend of mine the other night. She’s an amazing, beautiful young woman. To look at her is to be marveled. She has the face of an angel and the heart of a teddy bear. So we went out, and we talked. She’s in a relationship right now, and she wanted to talk about it as you do when you’re with a friend.

She explained she’s just not feeling it. I asked her why she was still with him. She said, “I don’t want to hurt him.” Wow. How many times do we say that?

We’re in a relationship, we’re not happy, we’re not satisfied, we’re with the wrong person and we know it. Yet we stay in the relationship because we don’t want to hurt them. We don’t want the other person to feel fragile and broken. So we stay with them so we don’t break their heart. But who are we really hurting here?

First, you’re hurting yourself. You’re living in-authentically. You’re staying with someone you can’t and don’t want to change. You already know in your heart you don’t belong with them, yet you’re staying there. All you’re doing is wasting your life. What if you suddenly fall pregnant? Now you have a family with this person, until eventually 17 years later you finally split up.

I’ve met so many people like that. They knew they were with the wrong person, but they could stand the thought of hurting them. In turn, they ended up living an unhappy and unfulfilled existence. They had a family with this person. They lived, they moved, they travelled, and the whole time, deep down inside they were miserable. I know you know people like this. Maybe you’ve done it yourself.

You have to think about what you’re actually doing to this person. They love you. They want to be with you. They think everything is OK because you don’t let them see you’re unhappy. You’re not allowing them to find real love either. The two of you are living a totally in-authentic existence together.

What really resonated with me last night when we were talking?

I’ve suffered with relationship guilt myself. I’ve stayed with someone I knew in my heart wasn’t right for me. I remember one relationship where I told the girl after a couple of months I didn’t want to be with her. I told her I didn’t feel we were right for each other and we should stop seeing each other. She got upset, we talked, and I backed down.

I ended up staying in this relationship a couple of years longer than I should. I’d drive my friends nuts talking about how unhappy I was. They all told me to leave her, but I didn’t want to hurt her.  The person you’re with is going to hurt anyway, and the pain is going to be even worse if you string them along. It’s going to be much worse if you have a family and spend decades with this person. Know what you want, write down your needs, wants, and desires, and see if they match the other persons. What are the four key things you want from a relationship? Can you even answer than right now?

If you ever find yourself with someone you don’t really love, ask yourself who are you actually hurting by staying where you are?

You’re hurting yourself AND the wonderful person who loves and trusts you. Letting them go right at that moment will hurt them, but allowing them to live a life where they can find true love with someone else is so much fairer. Years down the line they won’t even think about you. You’ll be just another memory. Free both of you from the situation. It’s the kindest thing you can do for the both your sakes.