When we get involved in a relationship, why are we always searching for that perpetual carrot?

It’s amazing that when we’re unsatisfied in a relationship — feeling like our partner is not satisfying our needs, wants and desires — that we feel afraid to tell them. It’s amazing that we are afraid to be that open, honest, raw and vulnerable with our partner.

Instead, what people do is search for that perpetual carrot.

Say your partner never really comes onto you, even though you’ve told them how important it is to you for that to happen. Then one day, out of the blue, your partner does it. Somehow if someone does something one time, we think to ourselves, “Wow they understand me. They get it.”

That is the carrot. You tell them how great that was and how much you loved it, but then they don’t do it again for two months even though they know how important it is to you.

It’s that perpetual carrot backed up by passive-aggressive behavior. You are probably not doing something that is important to them, and that is their way on a very deep and subconscious level of getting even and keeping score.

Relationship Promises

We do this, and are not really even aware we’re doing it most of the time. It’s just how we react as humans when we’re not getting our own needs met and we’re not fully satisfied.

We react by taking away from someone something they really need, want or desire. We do that in a very passive-aggressive way, and then we’ll throw that carrot out there.

Do you know what the solution is to all of this madness? The solution is to step up to the plate, and be raw and honest with each other about how you feel.

Maybe you can’t satisfy each other, but you’re holding on anyway. A lot of people do this for years — five, seven, even ten years — hoping that the relationship will work.

The bottom line is this: You need to be raw and honest with someone today — right now — if you want to make your relationship work. Stop holding out for the carrot.