I Want To Suck Your . . . Blood!

It’s time for the Monster Mash. It’s a graveyard smash . . . It caught on in a flash . . . ‘Cause it’s the Monster Mash . . .

So how exactly are you going to mash this Halloween season?

Remember the good old days walking door to door with a plastic pumpkin, knocking on strangers’ doors, and hoping you didn’t get an apple with a razor blade in it? By the way, what kind of person hands out apples at Halloween anyway? We’re out for candy! In fact, lots of candy . . . and not a stinkin’ apple! That’s the shit your mother gives you at home.

As we rang each door bell, we’d utter these magic words: “Trick or treat for UNICEF!” For those of you who don’t know what UNICEF is, it was a private collection. That is, we would collect it . . . and UNICEF would never ever get it.

Wouldn’t it be fun if you could go to an apartment complex where hot chicks and singles reside wearing your Scooby Doo costume with the plastic mask and that shiny material that your mother had to tie in the back. You remember those, the kind where if your mother bought the wrong size, it only came down to your ankles?

The great thing about that shiny material though was that it repelled all the eggs and the shaving cream pelted at you by the older kids. Not to mention, it was always freezing outside and you never wanted to wear a jacket because it would ruin your great costume.

What a great costume that was that your Mom bought for $5.00 at Wal*Mart. Thanks a lot Mom!

Not to mention, sometimes your head was too big for the plastic mask so either a lot of chin or a lot of forehead would always be visible. On top of everything else, that cheap elastic string on the back of the mask would continuously break, so the mask got tighter and tighter every time you fixed it.

So now you’re an adult. You are no longer trick or treating in cheap costumes that don’t fit. You now dress up in adult-themed costumes.

Women will dress up in skimpy little bunny costumes. Men will dress up as women . . . not a pretty sight by the way, and definitely not a costume I would consider.

Instead of getting a stomach ache from eating a pumpkin full of candy, as adults we get a stomach ache from drinking a pumpkin full of booze. The candy is no longer chocolate with caramel filling . . . it has become the opposite sex.

The problem is that people tend to act really stupid on Halloween. They start talking like the character they are portraying.

I met this female pirate one time at a Halloween party. When I asked if she would like a drink, she answered “Aye matey!” Then I asked if she would be interested in some casual sex that night, and she answered “Aye matey!!” In fact, she said “Aye matey!” all night until she passed out from drinking too much pumpkin juice.

A Halloween party for adults is hilarious. Women will have sex on Halloween and then rationalize it: “It wasn’t me . . . Wonder Woman slept with him.” Men will approach women with the worst pick-up lines ever.

Everyone here in L.A. wants to go the Halloween party at the Playboy mansion which, by the way, I’ have attended. It happens to be a lot of fun. Lots of “Aye Matey’s” there . . . and lots of people on drugs.

There’s nothin’ like Halloween in L.A.! I think here in L.A., that everybody’s magic pumpkin is filled with magical Ecstasy.

Once again, remember that Halloween is just one night. Either you can rap or you can’t.

Just wearing a costume is not going to turn a man into a smooth-talking stud. A woman’s sexy skimpy costume is also not going to make her the social butterfly she craves to be. Halloween is also the night you will hear the most stupid pick-up lines of any night of the year . . . with the possible exception of 5-4-3-2-1 night.

So what is my idea for a good Halloween? Go to Target. Buy one of those little kid costumes and an orange plastic pumpkin. I’m sure one of that little kid costumes will go down as far as your knees . . . if you’re lucky. This is very funny.

Then go door to door wearing your costume and carrying the plastic pumpkin, and say this to the hot single mom or dad who answers the door: “Trick or treat for a social life! Please put your phone number in the pumpkin, and I’ll call you tomorrow when I become a person again instead of a giant Hello Kitty.”

I think I’m going to go to this area of my town that has a ton of single women and ring some bells. Bells will be ringin’ … Oops! Wrong holiday.

So now you know what I will be doing on Halloween. What will you be doing?

I will leave you with one of my favorite kid jokes: Why can’t witches get pregnant? Because ghosts have Halloweenies …

Check put todays Halloween pickup video…..beware this content is very very scary due to the nature of the holiday.