On occasion, I’m going to have a guest blogger write my blog. First I want to introduce you to my guest writer. Let’s call her “The Sultry Brunette.” She’s been following my blog from the beginning, and we had this long conversation about faking orgasms.

I’ve never been a proponent of women faking orgasms. Actually, if a woman doesn’t have an orgasm, that’s perfectly fine because then I can learn about her body and give her an orgasm the next time we have sex. The first time you have sex with someone it’s nerve-racking, so you cannot expect her to have an orgasm that first time.

The Sultry Brunette is going to explain to you how women fake orgasms. Because she has informed me that she is the queen of faking orgasms, she is going to tell you how to spot a woman faking an orgasm.

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Thank you David for allowing me to be a guest on your blog! And thank you to all of you reading this for allowing me to step in for David today (I know he’s hard to replace!).

Yes, I do consider myself to be the queen of “faking it.” Although that may at first glance appear to be a dubious distinction, the ability to be a good faker is an art (and indeed even a little bit of a science) that is not easily mastered.

There are a few truths that cannot be ignored. If you ask most men whether a woman has “faked it” with them, the answer inevitably is “no.” This prompts me to ask all of you men: How do you know?? As Meg Ryan so accurately told Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally, “. . . All men are sure that it’s never happened to them, and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math.” Either somebody in this equation is lying, or there are women out there who, like me, have mastered the art of “faking it.”

So, if you accept as a truth that women are out there successfully faking orgasms and, quite possibly, faking them at least from time to time with you, how do tell when it’s happening? When is a moan really a moan? Or when is it a well-timed gesture during what is likely a very pleasurable, but just not orgasmic, experience?

Of course, some women fakers are easy to spot. If the woman you’re sleeping with puts on a performance that would put even the best porn starlet to shame, you are most likely in the company of a very obvious (and likely very vocal) faker. If her theatrical moans, screams, convulsive writhing and ten minute orgasm are fooling you, then learning to read the subtle signs of a woman faker is not your biggest problem.

A good faker can, without any of the aforementioned theatrics, successfully convince most men that she’s experiencing a fantastic orgasm without ever being “found out.” It’s all a matter of subtlety. So what does a good “fake” include? Well, in general, a good “faker” will put in well-timed responses to what you’re doing, i.e., she is always responsive to what you’re doing to her. When a man starts to get more excited during a sexual encounter, she will also appear to be increasingly excited. Her responses are always encouraging you.

As for the faking of the actual orgasm itself, the really successful fakers will never utilize any of the “porn indicators” of reaching one. Screams that can be heard by your entire apartment complex will never be part of the good faker’s repertoire. Again, subtlety is the order of the day.

The good faker will, usually in coordination with seeing that her partner is about to have his own orgasm, begin to show signs of reaching her own. First, she may breathe a little faster. Then she will lay her head back and shut her eyes, so as to indicate that she is also getting closer to reaching her orgasm. She will tense her abdominal muscles just slightly at first. When the man is either just about to reach his moment, or just after it begins to happen, the good faker puts in the finishing touch … she will usually tense her body, grab onto the man, and throw her head back on the pillow. Depending on the situation, position and the dynamic of your relationship, there may be some passionate kissing at this point as well. Then, when you’re in the post-cuddling position, some heavy breathing is always a good finishing touch. The exact maneuvers may vary, but this is pretty representative of the successful faker’s routine.

But, since a good faker will be difficult to differentiate from a non-faker, how can you spot one in action? There are a few tell-tale signs that will help you ferret them out:

1) If the woman you’re having sex with has an orgasm every time you have sex (or worse, claims to be having multiple orgasms every time you have sex), she has more than most likely faked it at least once.

2) If the woman you’re having sex with has an orgasm at the same time you do every time you have sex, then she more than most likely has faked it at least once.

3) Be on keen alert if when you ask a woman whether she had an orgasm, that she responds by either cuddling with you or kissing you instead of giving you a verbal response. Most women who fake it will not want to tell you she’s doing it, so she will try to avoid the conversation at all costs . . . so if you don’t get a straight answer, chances are she was faking it.

To the men, please remember that women who “fake it” do so because they do not want you to think they did not enjoy the sexual experience they had with you, and they don’t want to hurt your feelings. Men don’t understand that women can enjoy the overall sexual experience even if there’s no orgasm at the end of the rainbow. Maybe if more men followed David’s advice and told women that they are okay with knowing that a woman didn’t have an orgasm, fewer women would be “faking it.”

That’s all for now from The Sultry Brunette …