The phone rings and you hear the dreaded words “We need to talk.” Then you get the knock on the door, your significant other comes in, and everything spirals down from there. The next thing you know, you’re hearing “We just aren’t connecting the way we need to be” or something similar to that. Whatever the specific phrase is, someone has just broken up with you.

Let’s face it, it’s never good to hear any form of the words “We need to breakup.” If you are hearing those words, though, then you need to know two things. First, you need to know that this happens every day to people (and not just you). Second, and more importantly, you need to know that you can and will feel better.

So let’s talk about what you can do to not just temporarily feel better, but to really get over a breakup. Here are 6 steps to get you totally over a breakup.

1.Ditch The “Poor Me” Syndrome: The first thing you need to do is to stop thinking about all the things you could have done to prevent the breakup. Don’t think about that one time you didn’t call, or about whatever you’re thinking about in this mental mind game through which will be tempted to put yourself.

Instead, really think about why the relationship didn’t work out. There is no one particular event from the past that if you changed it would change the breakup outcome. Breakups are the result of a series of events. So dig deep and think about what this relationship was really about, so that you can embrace the lessons it has for you. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

2.Avoid The Alcohol: Right after a breakup, it may make you feel better to go out drinking with your friends and ‘trash talk’ your ex. The next morning, however, you are going to actually feel even worse. Your friends have great intentions. It would be better for you, however, to go out with your friends and do something fun that doesn’t involve alcohol. Spend the time with your friends really talking about how you feel and having your friends listen.

3.Go Ahead And Grieve: It’s perfectly alright to grieve after a breakup. It’s actually healthy to cry and to grieve when a relationship ends. So don’t be hard on yourself if you want to spend a week crying your eyes out and being really sad. It’s really is quite healthy to get all of that out of your system. The people who suppress all their feelings about a breakup and never allow themselves to grieve are the ones who will never learn the lessons they need to learn from the experience.

4.Put It Down On Paper: Do some journaling and write down all the things you’re thinking and feeling about the breakup. After you’ve shared your feelings with yourself for a few days, you’ll start to notice that you are feeling better. You will be better able to discover the deeper issues that caused the relationship to end. You will also learn what lessons there were for you in that relationship, and become much more clear on what you really want and need in a relationship. So start journaling and start being really honest with yourself.

5.Don’t Give In To “The Replacement Theory”: There are many people who mistakenly believe that the best way to get over someone is by finding someone else to replace them. I call this “The Replacement Theory” of dealing with a breakup. Unfortunately, this strategy will not help you really get over a breakup, and may actually cause you more pain in the future.

Do not start dating someone new too soon after a breakup. Do not start looking for the next relationship before you’ve taken the time to get over the one that just ended. The people who start dating too fast after a breakup usually end up repeating the same failed relationships over and over again. This actually leads me right into my last step.

6.It’s All About You: After a breakup, spend at least thirty days just doing things that you love. Connect with friends. Take long walks. Go and work out at the gym. Do whatever it is that you really enjoy. Do things that are good for you. This time should be spent getting yourself healthy and embracing yourself.

Breakups are hard, but it’s in the aftermath of a breakup that our greatest lessons are learned. If we can learn the real issues that caused the breakup, then we won’t repeat the same failed relationship again. So stop blaming yourself and start looking deep inside yourself. When you do that, you will not just “deal” with a breakup. You will truly get over it.