creepy dude in car david wygantI’ve lived a long time in this lifetime.

And I think, at this point, I’ve heard everything.

But last night, I heard something I’ve never heard before.

One of my friends was over for dinner. We were doing some work, creating some really cool, fun products and doing a lot of writing.

We were hungry and decided to order some Thai food from this great place down the street.

They said it would be about 45 minutes for delivery and I definitely couldn’t wait 45 minutes. So my friend offered to go pick it up for us. And I’m not the kind to deny a woman the opportunity to facilitate feeding me. 🙂

So, I relaxed.

20 minutes later she came back to my house with a weird expression on her face.

She looked at me and she said, “The weirdest thing ever just happened to me.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. I was in front of your building, about to walk in, and some car kind of pulled over. The driver said he wanted directions, so I walked over to help him. He started talking to me and after about a minute he looked at me and he asked, ‘Can I go down on you?'”

I looked at her in complete shock. “Are you kidding?”

“No, I wish I was.”

“Did you ask him if that line ever works?”

“No, I walked away.”

Wow.

Guys, wake up.

You’re driving a shitty car, stopping women on the street, and you think you can ask her if you could eat her out?

That’s the weirdest thing I’ve heard in my entire life. That’s not the approach. Women are not like some of the gay men you encounter on dark nights in big city parks. (Some of those parks have just a bunch of gay men, basically giving each other head in the bushes.)

Men are very animalistic when it comes down to sex. If a woman was driving a car and stopped a guy on the street to ask if he wanted a blowjob, most men would say, “Oh, hell yea!”

But, guys, women are not wired that way at all. Women aren’t going to react to you driving around in your strange little car on a random night, asking her to go down on her.

Gentlemen, you want to get a woman to spread her legs wide, so you can taste every inch of her body.

You want a woman to climax and have fun in your mouth.

You don’t drive up to her and ask her in a car.

You seduce her the old-fashioned way. Get to know her a little bit. You tease her with words, with body language, with eye contact. You seduce her slowly. You kiss her neck. You get the picture?

Take your time. The drive-by pussy-licking man is probably still driving by right now looking for a pussy to lick. Still being weird, still not getting any action.

Don’t be that guy. (If you’re reading this blog, I assume that you’re not, but still…)

. . .

What is the weirdest opener you’ve ever heard?