Baby Talk By David Wygant

At what point in a relationship does your first name go from David . . . to Honey, or Sweetie, or Baby?

It’s funny. If you go to a party with a bunch of couples, all you have to do is scream out “Honey!” and a bunch of girls will all turn around. One time I was shopping at Whole Foods with my ex, and I couldn’t find her. I called out “Hey Babe!” and three women turned around.

There are so many names in the world, but it seems like when we are in a relationship we all have only one of a few names . . . either Babe or Honey or Sweetie. So at what point in the relationship is it too early to throw out the Snookums-type names?

I mean, I’ve dated people who started calling me Babe on the third date. That’s WAY too early.

Mr. Wygant is what I prefer to be called until date number six. I don’t mind being called God in the middle of sex, but it seems like God is only called “oh my.” I bet God doesn’t know his first name is “oh my.” Even God has a nickname.

What’s up with nicknames anyway? Is Snookums really annoying after dating someone for two weeks?

Also, when do you go from being called “Honey” or “Baby,” to being called “Pain In The Ass” and “Ball And Chain?” At what point does that happen? I mean you were just Honey . . . and then all of the sudden you are “Shit For Brains.”

It seems like everyone in relationships can’t wait to start the pet names. Then it seems like the natural progression is to go from pet names to potty mouth names.

The thing I never understood is why after Snookums no longer wanted to be with Shit For Brains, that she continued to hang with him. Moreover why when Snookums became Ball and Chain, did he still want to be with her? Isn’t there another Honey or Baby just around the corner?

So the question I’m asking all of you, because you know my take on pet names, is when is it too early to whip out the cutsie nicknames? When are you allowed to start using the word Snookums? As far as I’m concerned, I do not ever want someone calling me Snookums.

For those of you in a relationship, ask yourselves this question: Why are you staying with Shit For Brains?

I still think my favorite nickname is Big Boy (“Come here Big Boy …”). I like to be a Big Boy. Here’s the thing about being a Big Boy . . . it’s a little wrong, isn’t it? You’re both naked and she wants a Big Boy to come and take her. It’s kind of like robbing the cradle, isn’t it?!