I wrote this blog on an airplane, bored out of my mind.

All right, so finally we got on the plane and I found this article in a magazine called “Fast Tracks to Dating Disaster.” Supposedly 626 women have revealed which moves will make an evening end with nothing more than a handshake.

One of these moves is taking a phone call during dinner. Are you an idiot? Are you really going to take a phone call during dinner when it’s your first date? Not only are you not going to get laid, but you’ll be lucky to get even a handshake.

Here’s another: forgetting your wallet. You forget your wallet and you’re going on a date? That’s just screaming to her that you’re cheap and irresponsible. What are you going to do? Call your dad to drop it off? How do you forget your wallet?

How about not holding the door open? Didn’t your mother teach you any manners? Hold the damn door open! It’s not that hard! Open the door, hold it, and let her go in first.

Next dating disaster is complaining about your ex. Hey, you picked her! This one is off the charts. You went out with her! You chose to date her! Can’t you embrace the lessons that you learned? As far as I’m concerned, I embrace every person I’ve ever been with, no matter how it ended. I chose to date these women for a reason, and I’ve learned things from them. I would never bash my exes.

How about arriving underdressed? I’ve seen people on dates before where the guy will actually have on a baseball cap turned backwards, a ripped t-shirt and chinos and the woman is dressed in a cute little skirt and a top.

Here’s one: talks a lot about himself. A lot of people talk about nothing but themselves. But it’s called a conversation for a reason. It should go back and forth like a tennis game. You listen and then react to what she says, and then she reacts to what you have said. This is having a conversation.

You don’t just sit there and brag about yourself. We’ve written blogs about that. Deeper braggers – remember those people who just want to talk about themselves?

Recently, this guy who can’t seem to stop asking out the girl I’m hanging out with bought her a series of Rolfing sessions, which costs about $1,300. She knows how expensive it is, and he looked at her and said, “oh, it’s no big deal. It’s like pennies to me.”

Come on, dude, what an ass. Never talk about how much a gift costs – especially when you’re trying to buy someone else’s girl something! You’re never going to get her anyway! People are so crazy.

Okay, here’s another fast track dating disaster: chewing with your mouth open. Do people actually do that? Do guys actually chew with their mouths open, especially on a date? That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.

I had a roommate in college that used to chew with his mouth open. I would have to close my eyes when I was sitting across from him at dinner.

Next dating disaster is quoting the Simpsons. You have to be kidding me. Do people actually quote the Simpsons? They say, “ay caramba”? That is so 1990s!

Another disaster: putting his arm around me. Women might not mind that one as much as this one: copping a feel. Yes, there are apparently guys out there who think that they still need to feel breasts halfway through a dinner date.

I have a friend who is a total trip: at the end of every date, he brings her back to his $10 million home, hops into the hot tub naked and throws his date a bathing suit. He keeps an endless supply of bikinis. He doesn’t think that a date is successful until he gets off. He’s 47. He’s a caveman.

Those are some really good ones. What are your fast tracks to dating disasters?