This is going to be probably the most personal post I’ve ever shared with any of you.

How many of you have parents that have passed?

I’m sure a lot of you have.

My mother passed away about two and a half years ago. It was right after Labor Day weekend, 2014.

She died literally in a five day period from diagnosis to death. I didn’t see her before she passed.

I was able to talk to her but she was just listening.

Ever since my mom passed away my life has really turned in a very strange direction.

You see, I never mourned my mom properly, it’s just the way I do things.

I tend to just plow through life and not allow myself to really mourn anything.

If a relationship ends, I kind of think and process it for a week or two and then I just move forward. I learned that from my mom and my dad, they both taught me just to move through things. So I moved through things and don’t really talk about it.

It’s funny because I talk about a lot of things, don’t get me wrong, I mean I can discuss the hell out of certain things, but when something ends or somebody dies I just learned at a young age to move through it quickly so I never really processed anybody’s death, my father, my mother. Well, you know what it all comes down to.

My brother passed away when I was three and a half years old, and nobody talked about it, so that’s exactly where I got this dynamic from.

And then my sister came a couple of years later and she was adopted and nothing was ever explained to me, so of course nothing was ever explained. There was no grieving in our house.

But I miss my mom. And the last couple of years I’ve missed feminine energy in my life. You see, there’s a balance between the men and women. Now I’ve been mostly alone the last couple of years, I just haven’t found anybody I really want to be with. It’s not that I don’t date. I date a lot.

On an average week I probably go out on three dates.

I just haven’t found anybody that I really want to spend time with.

Somebody that I really want to connect with on a much deeper level.

I’ve had moments where I felt the connection and then I kind of retreated back into my world. And I’m realizing now more and more that I’m missing that female energy.

Over the last, well, couple of years, since my mom passed, my life has gotten really strange. I don’t have that go-to person anymore. Now, granted, my mom and I were not super close the last couple of years but there were still things that I was able to talk to her about and guidance that I needed. She was still that female, nurturing, driving soul in my life.

And I’ve been missing that.

I’ve been having issues with my daughter lately.

Things I need to understand. And I have no female to really bounce it off of. The only female I really want to bounce it off of is either my mother.

Or a relationship.

You see, I feel like when we haven’t had a relationship in a while we become really out of balance.

We’re too much in either our masculine or our feminine and we’re missing the other side of what we need. Our masculine or feminine are not being balanced.

And I feel like that’s something that a lot of us need, especially me.

So today I realized, I miss you mom.

I miss the things you were able to give me. I’ve been spending the last couple of years really joking about you, telling everybody you were one hot, crazy mess and all this other stuff but I never gave you the credit that I really needed to give you.

You’re my mom. And you’re somebody that I miss. I’ve needed you a lot the last couple of years as I grow into becoming a father.

Some of the mistakes I’ve made in the last few years are mistakes that I wouldn’t have made if I had, well, a mother’s guidance. It doesn’t matter how old I am, I can still need my mother’s guidance.

You see, I’ve shut down emotionally the last couple of years and didn’t realize why. Well, because I wasn’t really grieving and I wasn’t really processing. And I wasn’t realizing how much I missed the feminine energy in my life.

I needed you to talk about my daughter so many different times and how I can be a better dad and understand things that are going on.

I’ve just needed that guidance. You see, I’ve been out of whack. I haven’t had the feminine energy in my life, so I’ve made mistakes that I wouldn’t have made if I had female energy in my life. Let me explain why.

You see, if I had female energy in my life, I would have that guidance that I need. You see, I’m such an alpha male, mom. You made me into this incredible alpha male. I’m just a bull in a China shop. And I just plow through things. And I don’t think everything through. I just do. And I’ve always been that way. But you see, having the right female and the right feminine energy by my side, whether it’s a girlfriend or a beautiful mother, to help guide, balances me out.

I tend to do things and leave things well, leave things not fully closed. So then, I got to go back and revisit this stuff a year or two later.

I don’t dot my i’s and cross all my t’s at all.

I’m an idea man. I like to just put an idea into the world. But I need a female by my side in order to really help me cross my t’s and dot my i’s.

You see, mom, you were my influence for that. And I just miss you every single day. Lately, I’ve been thinking so much about you. And I just miss so much about you.

My heart and my soul, my body, my mind is opening up to new experience. I want that woman in my life that’s able to help guide me, love me, adore me as I adore and love them back. I’m not looking for any perfect relationship because perfect doesn’t exist. What I’m attracting into my life and what I’m desiring in my life is my lifeline again.

The person who can look at me warmly and kindly and tell me that I didn’t dot my i’s and cross my t’s properly and know how to speak to me so it makes me feel well, safe, secure and watched over.

You see, mom, you were that person to me. No matter how crazy and nutty you were, you always had my back.

You had my back when I came home with bad report cards and I said let’s not tell dad. And we didn’t. My dad was always wondering why I only got one report card a year and everybody else got four.

You were there when I was having issues in relationships.

When I drank for the very first time. And you knew I drank. And I was able to hold my liquor. I was in sixth grade. My friend threw up. And you were proud of me. But you also knew that I drank. And you didn’t reprimand me. But yet, I knew, through your guidance, that you trusted me, which enabled me to really not abuse alcohol as a kid at all. You trusted me when I took the car out at night and stayed at my friend Chip’s house.

You knew I wasn’t going to drive it. But you would rather me to take the family car for a sleepover. And I could have easily abused those privileges. But I didn’t.

There was an understanding between the two of us. An understanding of complete trust in so many ways. And in the last couple years, all I’ve done is talk about stories about you and how crazy and nutty you were. But having embraced and realized how much I really missed your trust and love and guidance.

You see, without your trust and love and guidance, I’ve been spiraling out of control the last couple of years making mistakes, doing things that I probably never would have done if I had female energy in my life because I’m just such a male, a bull in the China shop.

And I’m craving and desiring female energy.

And the minute you passed, I didn’t realize how alone I felt. I thought I was just doing the right thing by not getting involved in a relationship. I just thought I was closed down. But in reality, I wasn’t open because I didn’t open to the fact and didn’t acknowledge the fact that you passed. You died.

As I’m dictating this right now, I can feel and see you around you. I can almost smell you in my room. I’m acknowledging it. You are dead. You passed over. But I still feel you. And I still want to talk to you. And I still want to be loved by you. But I realize now that you are just a soul that’s going to protect me. And actually, I now can go find an amazing relationship. I desire that female energy so bad right now because I would be less crazy in my life. I’d have that guidance.

My brother, your son, has said it for years. If I was in a relationship, some of the things, some of the decisions that I’ve made the last couple years, I never would have made because I would have had that female guidance, those checks and balances that I so desperately need. I’ve been the lone cowboy for so long.

That I’m no longer desiring being that lone cowboy. I’m acknowledging the fact that you’re passed. I’m acknowledging the fact that you’re gone. I’m acknowledging the fact that you’re no longer going to be here. But I’m acknowledging the fact that your beauty and your love are always going to be inside me. Thank you for listening.

And for all the rest of you reading, thank you for actually reading this. Now go do your own Dear Mom letter.