Cheating: Whose Fault Is It Really?

Men's Advice Relationship Advice, Uncategorized

By David Wygant May 12, 2010 245 Shares

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Today we’re going to talk about cheaters. You’re going to learn about how I feel about cheaters.

If you get cheated on, are you actually just as responsible as the person who did the cheating?

How does that question make you feel?

Does it make you want to listen?
Do you want to argue?
Do you want to post a comment right now on the blog?

Ahhhh, but you can’t post until you listen to this podcast and find out exactly what I’m saying here.

Click here to listen now:

Nowadays, dating is more competitive than it’s ever been — download this free report to learn 6 proven skills to stand apart & succeed in the modern dating world.

About David

1.7 million men & women come to me every month to find the secrets to success. And after 20 years of coaching, I’ve discovered the golden keys to success in dating, business, health and wellness, and life.

I’ve helped millions of men and women around the globe achieve success in their dating, social and personal lives. I’m also a father to the world’s cutest little girl, and I am an unapologetic man. Some say I’m nuts, others say I’ve changed their life forever. One thing’s for certain: I’ll always give you the truth, whether you can handle it or not. I never sugar coat anything.

Nice is so overrated. I’d prefer brutally honest breakthrough to a “nice” rut any damn day of the week. If you’re the same way, then you've come to the right place.

26 Comments | Join the Discussion!

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Collin

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Don't you tell me I can't post before I listen! I just did!

Amanda

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

David, I think you got this all wrong! The one being cheated on might not listen much to his/her partner, but that NEVER justifies cheating! If the other partner wants something else or more and does not have the guts to break up and start a new relationship, then they are just using their current partner. And that's wrong and immoral. You can learn something to keep this from happening, but it was never your fault! I hate to burst your bubble there, but don't make excuses for cheaters. They are selfish, immoral and cowards.

Sandra

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

I think it's a lot easier to admit emotional cheating than to admit physical cheating. I personally did cheat on somebody once (physically), and I would never admit that to a future partner. I would be too afraid of them judging me.

saul

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

I liked the bit about various forms of cheating, excellent post! thanks

Brian

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

David--Firstly, great podcast. While I'm all for having very open communication with one's lover, I have had many a woman tell me (lovers or not) that they would just rather not know if her lover was cheating, or cheated--others would. Also, from what I've read about evolutionary psychology, aren't humans, particularly males, predominately not monagomous to begin with, world wide, and for eons? I know every relationship is different, and I personally would prefer to always keep all parties informed, but then again, I could populate a village in China, and so it's often hard to hold that instinct, hormonally, at bay. So for me anyway, I don't even consider the use of the word "cheating" with having sex with another woman. But rather I'm doing what I'm hard wired to do. Am I obligated to inform my lover of everything in my life that I do or don't do? Seems like there needs to be a formal discussion of "the rules" of the relationship in the very beginning. Or, I could just be in total denial--I'm flexible! LOL Brian

IamDavid

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

I agree with you, we have all cheated in one way or another. I have a female friend that has confided in me that she has cheated on every man she was ever with. She says the root cause of that is because she had her heart broken when she was younger...their is obviously more too it than that, but what I respect about her is she does exactly as you (and I) recommend in that is she is honest and upfront about her chronic cheating.

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Yeah, my one-itis constantly talked about her cheating husband for 12 years... what did she do... stayed with him. As for me. I've cheated on past girfriends. And I suppose I had an emotional affair on my wife. I think she had a physical affair with her ex. Plenty of blame to go around. I probably didn't listen to my ex, but then I think she didn't want to listen to me either. Anyway, David, I'd like to hear the story about the business partner you swindled you.

josh

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

i wish i didn't have to cheat and i cheated both physically and emotionally on my ex gf she suffered from bpd which makes relationship problems harder and difficult to deal with so even if i tried to tell her about my feelings or say that there are problems with the realtionship she would just withhold sex and affection or threaten to commit suicide if i left one day i decided to come clean with her about the cheating she started hitting me called the police and had the police arresting me for an assault when she was the attacker i broke up with her after that it hurts me even now that i had to this and i heard that she also suffers till today(it happened 3 month ago0 so from my experience if there is something wrong it is better if you just b honest without cheating and deal with the consequences or just break up with a woman and if you are the one who was cheated on it depends sometimes it is your fault just b honest with yourself about y it happened and expect honesty from your woman about y it happened and if the trust is gone and honesty isn't there well time to move on it isn't worth it

James Y

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

David, Awesome. Simply awesome. I can say a lot about what happened with my ex, and I will say that I could have been more attentive. It was a lesson I had to learn. She cheated and lied about it. But I spent WAY too much time playing World of Warcraft. Even when she asked me to cut back, I only did a little. Because all of my socializing was based upon the use of that video game. I cant say that what I did was right. I can also say that I was passive/agressive in how I handled a lot of the relationship. HOWEVER, in my opinion, anyone that actually cheats does not respect themselves enough (at the time) to be open and honest enough to just end the relationship, and move forward with their own life. Or in the case of my ex, cant stand to be single. Some people just arent happy with themselves or their lives. And as David has told me (multiple times): you need to be happy with, and love, yourself and your life, before you start working on being happy with and loving someone else.

Mike

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

What warcraft u talk about, u mostly speak 2 urself...3rd party and codes 4 centuries, trying 2 brainwash ur hq trick, because u and ur david setup, 4 hq bs, u superior 100 hits ultra rights self claim phd feminity 2 intimidate, on ur high horse, no fight, let just compromise, 2 neutralize, attempts 2 ur brainwashing hq crap, there might be sence2it...but it means u prejuding 2 assumptions, i have no female desire....u imagin i have no human needs, apart the fact, i came 4 legal stuff 2 u, u avoid 2 talk like the plauge, and when u try, its in codes, disguised as sex....like u fooling or what, thats why ur brainwasghing, u think u working vveeerrryyy harrrddd ...cause u imagine its ur right, 2 confirm ur petticoat alpha rights, yet 2 have hooked a latched date, without ur hassles 2 meet, u , a 100 0 hits per hour, gives ultra power rights, a rosy right or wrong, 2 ultra 10 woman, 2 ultra testerone....i will u why, if u really wanna ask... Is this normal, 2 normalism, when informal 2 formalise, a rosy son and dance, 2 swarm and just wish, if we ever do anything 4 each other, it be what the other wants,rather 2 what we thing 4 other.. Ur way and say, a real hq right.

Cathy J

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Expectations is the key. Choosing to love is the answer. I look at my closest friends who have had husbands who were serial cheaters and all the women were either the perfect wife - great cooks, great careers, wonderful mums... or they were the stay at home mum who was perfect. Perfection is the buffer, the external shell that the woman puts around herself to protect her from showing hurt or stop her from being hurt further. So she shuts down emotionally. On the flip side I have known men who only knew how to show love by working hard and providing. When things weren't so great they worked even harder. He emotionally withdrew. She cheated. We each want intimacy, so if the intimacy with the one we love is gone, often people choose the false, cheap intimacy of sex outside the relationship. This is not the answer. How about men learn to be men and women learn to be women again(rather than the tragic gender and gender role confusion of the last few decades). Also Work out the expectations and express them - some both ways will be so over the top and the more you try to live up to them - the more 'perfect' and less emotionally available you become. Accept love as the gift that it is and choose to love your mate, every day.

Maverick

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

David, As usual, an outstanding podcast. I found it particularly interesting the concept of different levels of cheating. It made me think that maybe I am occupying the lowest level of cheating. When I am in a relationship, I am much more susceptible to approach other woman in casual conversations without a single trace of anxiety. Probably because deep in my head, I don't care about the outcome since I still have my "backup". Now I wonder if this is a bad thing, I mean, if there is something missing in my relationship or if I'm just "exercising myself"; because I have absolutely no plans to properly cheat. David, thank you very much for your podcasts and material. I can give half of the credits for my current girlfriend to you. I think a very good (and useful) podcast topic would be about moving in with your girlfriend for the first time. That's my next stage ;) Yours sincerely Maverick

Daniel

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

My ex started cheating on me as my best friend's wedding approached. When I asked her what I had done, she said that I hadn't done anything, that I was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she could see our future together. I apologized to her for giving her such a bleak future that deserved being cheated on and she said there was nothing wrong with the future I was going to provide... well I guess at least as she envisioned it. And yet she cheated on me, with the anti-me. He looked like me but was married with a 2 year old and another one on the way. I couldn't compete with the married deadbeat. I've done my best to get over it and keep doing my best to get over it but I'm stuck on one possibility: What if I attract women who cheat? The price I have to pay to have good chemistry with a woman is that she will likely cheat on me. This has screwed with my head. As I learn from David how to attract more women, I find myself retreating from women more because if I meet a woman and we have chemistry, then obviously she's going to cheat on me, so why pursue anything with her? It's a vicious cycle. Any ideas how to break it?

James Y

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Daniel, My first idea is to let go of that idea. Love yourself. And let them know up front that if you find out that they cheat, there are no second chances. My second idea is to get some therapy to help you get over this thought. My third idea is get blind, stinking drunk, and see what happens. Of the three ideas, I think you should only go through the first two.

Amanda

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

Wow David, are you censoring comments that disagree with you?

Farley

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

Daniel, I have to agree with James, let go of that idea. One time I had a good conversation with a cousin of mine. She was talking about how men cheat, etc. I told her women cheat more often then men, but cand hide it pretty well from their partners. She told me not all women are the same, but the majority responds the same to certain behaviours. She told me to just take risks in life. If we don't take risks in life, we will stay stuck in the same place. For many years I did not want a girlfriend because of one thing that went wrong. I just wanted to avoid the thing from happening. Now Im over that and take my risks in life, but I am more aware of what is happening around me.

Bob

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

That's rediculous to ask you ex. Do you seriously think they are going to tell you the truth? The truth in their mind, will never be the real truth. Do you think they are going to tell you anything else, but that you were not attentive enough, not romantic enough, not caring enough, not a good enough lover, etc? It is human nature to place blame on the other party, to relieve the persons consious who cheated. Do you really believe they are going to place blame on themselves and degrade, and belittle themselves to expose that they are cheaters who have no morals or character? If it is true that they were unhappy, they should leave, not run around having it both ways and cheat on you. If you listen to them and take it to heart, you will be punishing yourself, and making changes in your life, that indeed, may be completely untrue and unnecessary. Never let someone else change the way you are. It is YOUR reponsibilty to examine, direct, and implement any changes that you believe are needed...Certainly not some cheating exes opinion.

Khiem (DW Coach)

Friday, May 14th, 2010

Amanda, where do you see that David is censoring people? The comment system has a like/dislike button and if people have too many dislikes, it just collapse down the comment. It's not removed. Daniel, You need to get over your fixation with cheating. Focus more on loving yourself and sharing yourself. A relationship is still worthwhile even if it ends b/c during the relationship, you grow. You redefine yourself with that person, you share lots of positive things with each other, you experience happy moments. More importantly, you have the opportunity to make someone happy b/c you were with them. It's the same idea as

dateclass101

Monday, May 17th, 2010

i had one girl that i really liked and i did not know she was cheating on me with one of my closest friend.we use to hang out together do things together. then suddenly she started acting weird alwaysw talking about my friend.Firs tit was cool then i noticed some activities which were out of the Norm.After movie night she would tell me she had to go out with her friends.At the same time i could not contact my friend.so was suspicious after confronting her she later told me the truth till thsid ay me and my friend we are notont alking terms what a shame

max

Tuesday, July 19th, 2011

I've found that the best and most enjoyable way to girls to sleep with me is to pretend to actually care about them and imply that they are the only one. Which is basically never the case. But I see this more as an issue with women than with myself. The only time a girl has done this to me I found out almost immediately. When you are not being faithful, your actions are not consistent with those of someone who is being faithful. Its as simple as that. Girls delude themselves into believing the most ridiculous stories in order to maintain the illusion that whatever guy they're sleeping with is true to them. I've tested this theory time after time. Haven't even come close to being caught yet. If a faithful reality is going to come to pass, men are going to have to be classically conditioned that we cant get away with cheating. But until then, I have no incentive to change. This one's on you girls.

Vince

Wednesday, July 20th, 2011

Hi David, I have a question! I am in my 4th year of University and there is a girl that I have had the hots for since year 1. I didn't pursue anything further than a couple one night stands with her. However, as I am finishing my 4th year i've come to realize that i'm attracted to her on a deeper and more emotional level. HOWEVER... She seems to be one of those girls who is involved in serial monogamy. She's had 3 relationships since starting Uni and the 3rd one just broke up - She cheated on him! I want to start something, because I'm very attracted to this girl, however I don't want to be cheated on. I feel like if I pursue a relationship with this girl she's going to cheat on me and then I'm just going to look like an idiot! What are your thoughts on this type of situation? Should I pursue the relationship? Thanks!

john

Monday, August 29th, 2011

hi david, great post man, really liked :) this question by the way doesn't make me feel that good... :) cheers. john.

Fred

Thursday, September 22nd, 2011

Nice post..... i know a lotta guys out there are worried what if, what if, what if....she cheats on me. What David is talking about is knowing yourself, loving yourself enough to get through that... to feel the pain (if it comes) and say to yourself.....WHAT DID I LEARN....ABOUT MYSELF. In the end, this is all we really have and if we cherish ourselves and grow ourselves, we can SHARE who we are with someone WE determine to be good enough to share with..We have to accept the fact that not everything is under our control but as MEN, we should more than equipped to handle that...no ego...just living and learning..... Peace mes freres

Alain

Tuesday, September 27th, 2011

It makes me feel weak and not a man. but at the same time, I'd feel responsible for it and would leave her and start dating again. Thanks for the audio.

Amanda Cline

Monday, February 6th, 2012

I love how honest you are, David. Manda x

marie

Saturday, April 7th, 2012

i cheated on my last recent boyfriend while i was into the whole party and bar scene. but as of now i have overcome and matured in time to stay away from those places because its so overrated. mentality plays a whole role of cheating or not. ive dated the guy in november and that whole month i was talking to another guy because i enjoyed going out and drinking but then i had this AMAZING man who i would come back to and cuddle up with over the weekends. the guy i was with had ended up being a player and i came to realize that all guys from bar scenarios are cheater or looking for a one night stand. and my best friend saw this guy at the bar when he lied to me. then on i ended it and realized i had a great guy and since then i had been faithful. i know cheating is cheating but over time i dislike the old me and wanted to focus on better and greater things for myself and my bf. i lied to him and didnt tell him the truth till recently. yes it is hard to tell the truth but at the same time why cause more pain if it already hurts? why tell the truth if nothing is going to work out. can trust be rebuilt again by getting counseling or showing him that i will never cheat? if he says he loves me still and forgives me but will never forget what does that mean? all the memories we created keeps him happy and he wants to continue us but he is really afraid.

Cheating: Whose Fault Is It Really?

About David

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26 Comments | Join the Discussion!

Cancel reply

Collin

Amanda

Sandra

saul

Brian

IamDavid

josh

James Y

Mike

Cathy J

Maverick

Daniel

James Y

Amanda

Farley

Bob

Khiem (DW Coach)

dateclass101

max

Vince

john

Fred

Alain

Amanda Cline

marie