Britney . . . Please Be My Mommy!! By David Wygant

In this country you need a license before you are allowed to drive, you need to register before you are allowed to vote, and you have to show identification before you are allowed to buy alcohol. Any idiot, however, is allowed to have kids and be a parent.

Birth control was invented to prevent mothers like Britney Spears from having children. I mean, just think about what it must be like to grow up the child of Britney Spears.

Every ride in the over-priced SUV would be like a ride on the Tilt-O-Whirl, with mommy Britney swerving in and out of lanes as she took a swig from a bottle. Think how much fun each birthday party would be when mommy Britney was talking baby talk to all your friends . . . until you get old enough to realize that it wasn’t baby talk, it was inebriated talk.

Also, would you ever get bored with your dad in the Britney Spears’ household? Never, because there is a different daddy sleeping with mommy every nighty. Some dads would play with you, while others would sneak out in the middle of the night when mommy Britney’s alcohol buzz wears off and they realize what a sad little girl she really is.

Think about family vacations when you got older. Not only will mommy Britney be drinking with you, but she’ll be the first one who will be puking . . . and then you will have to be cleaning up after mommy Britney.

The worst part about being a baby Spears, though, is when you start dating. Imagine your date comes over to the house the day after mommy Britney has partied too much. There is mommy Britney in the living room, chain smoking and sitting with no underwear on and her legs wide open.

I have nothing against Britney Spears. I’ve seen her out. I’ve seen her drunk. I’ve seen her chain smoking. She’s a sad person who needs help desperately to get her life back on track. Britney is someone who should never have had a kid.

Think about the fact that her poor kids not only have her for a mom, but also have K-Fed for a dad. He is a guy with more has more bling than any drug dealer I’ve ever seen in New York City.

The court ruled that the kids should be with daddy Federline, but a better ruling would have been to give the kids a fighting chance and order that they be sent to Brad and Angelina. That is the only thing Brad and Angelina are missing from their roster of children . . . they have children from a few different countries, but they don’t have any abused children of over privileged Hollywood stars.

As in every blog, there is always a message: Think before you have a kid. If you are having a kid for selfish reasons and don’t have time for that kid, then all you are doing is creating another messed up person in this world.

To Britney I would say this. I don’t know you. I’ve seen you, but I have not been inclined to talk to you because I am not personally attracted to sloppy drunks. A child is not a possession, an ornament, or another pair of True Religion jeans. A child is an innocent soul who needs a healthy environment in which to grow up . . . and who does not deserve to grow up in an environment of pure turmoil