The other night I was out with a couple of women who informed me that none of them will date me because I know too much. To those women I say: Why play it safe?

Isn’t it time you dated someone who stimulates and challenges you, instead of dating the same guys (yawn) that will lead to the same outcome? Don’t date safe . . . you’ve already been there. Date someone who excites you and intrigues you, because the unknown is what you really need to start dating. The term “been there . . . done that” – why bother?

But this blog is not about my new-found friends and their lack of daring. This is all about bringing back the art of dry humping.

Remember in high school and college when you were with somebody, and you started one of those six hour makeout sessions with no Arrowhead spring water by your side? If you’re a male, for about the first hour of this makeout session you spent your time with your hand nervously trying to make its way to the side of the girl’s breast. When you realized that she let you touch the side of her breast, you made your way to the nipple. Things were now going well above the waist.

The ninety minutes of windshield wiper kissing finally lets you know she’s turned on. She may even let out a little sigh. Don’t forget . . . these are the pre-moaning days.

So finally the two of you start to move your hips. You can feel the perspiration on her face. These are things she’s only done by herself on top of her pink stuffed rabbit in her light blue room with posters of Rick Springfield and Johnny Depp in the background. Don’t forget that these were the days when the only pink rabbit she had did not require batteries.

So now the two of you are slowly grinding on each other, finding new ways that it feels really good. At this time you did not realize that all this grinding can cause a rash, because these were the days when young women still had a full bush and young men still thought that this was fun.

After about two hours of dry humping and many climactic release close calls, the two of you decide that it’s time to raid the refrigerator and see what goodies your Mom brought home from the market that day. Unfortunately when walking down the steps, all the young woman had to do was pull out her panties from all the crevices. The young man had a severe case of blue balls, and each step he took made him realize that all this dry humping is not what it’s cracked up to be.

Taking all this into consideration, why would I now say that we should bring back dry humping?? Because we rarely do it anymore. All we want to do is . . . “do it.”

We’ve done it all. We’re all orally gifted, we’ve mutually masturbated, and we’ve done it like Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy (yeah, I know ladies, Ron Jeremy is not the best visual – but you get what I’m saying). We’ve done it like porn stars.

So I think we need to start “National Dry Hump Day.” Maybe we should even throw some above-the-waist makeout session and dry hump parties. The innocence of our youth is something we really need to look back on with appreciation. So for one night, forget about deep penetration. Sand blast your Levi’s by rubbing together . . . and reignite the fun of dry humping.

As for those couple of women I was out with the other night, I want to spend four hours in a dark room with one of them. Which one of them only I know . . . but what I want to do with her is some serious dry humping.