It must be like some deep, dark secret or fantasy, that, well, I’m just not really feeling.

So many people I know have driven Uber, or if their work is a little bit slow they just go, “I’ll just drive an Uber.”

Uber has basically made it cool to become a cab driver. That’s really what it is. And not just a regular cab driver, because most cab drivers have first names and last names, and you can’t really distinguish which one is which. They usually come from a country where the only job they can get here is driving a cab.

It’s a great job for people when they first come to the US and it’s kind of scary, because I remember cab drivers before the GPS days, and they would literally be fresh off the boat and they would get in and drive the yellow cab. And they wouldn’t know where the fuck they were going. But the meter was still running, so they were happy.

I’d have to tell them were to go, and they’d look at me with a confused look on their face because they really knew zero English, and they’d go, okay.

But it seems like nowadays, people want to drive an Uber. They must have had some type of life where driving a cab was really cool, because I know lots of people who want to drive a couple strangers around.

Not only that. The difference between Uber and a cab, back in the days when cabs had bulletproof glass between them and the driver, was that you’re picking up a total stranger, putting them into your car, driving them around, and just because Uber has their credit card, you’re safe.

I don’t fucking get that analogy. Well, this person’s not going to kill me because Uber’s got their credit card. So I’m safe.

Think about how nutty that is. So Uber has their stolen credit card that they registered online tonight with their fake name, Jim Purdue, and their name really is Frank Murderer.

So yes, Uber’s got their credit card and it happened to have gone through and you happen to have picked them up on a ride.

So what if you have Dexter Morgue and the serial killer back there is riding as Jim Williams?

I don’t get it and I don’t understand it, yet we all think we feel safe.

Let’s say you’re a woman and you’re driving an Uber. What’s going to stop the creepy guy in the back from fondling you or coming onto you or telling you that he wants to tip you but he left his wallet upstairs and you, because you have a cab fantasy you’re driving an Uber, you go into his house and then he date rapes you.

But you feel safe because it’s Uber. And Uber makes you feel really safe because when you’re watching an Uber about to arrive, it’s like a video game going around, oh there’s my car, oh it made the wrong direction, wait a second make a U-turn Mr. Uber driver. I see you on my little iPhone screen.

I don’t have the cab fantasy. I have other fantasies. Things I can do in a cab. That’s right: I want to have sex in a cab. A place where everybody goes and sits and farts in the back seat, because you know they don’t care. Because old school cab drivers used to stink like curry and other disgusting kinds of food and the spices.

But new cab drivers (aka Uber drivers), they’re just all cute and perky and they look like one of your Facebook friends that you haven’t spoken to in quite some time… and now they’re an Uber driver.