I was talking to a friend today, and we were talking about love.

We’re going to put together one of the greatest programs ever about love. Coming soon.

Don’t worry about it, I’ll let you know when it’s out, and you can be one of the first to grab it, and all the other great stuff.

But we were talking about a woman that we both know, and the reason why she can’t find love.

She’s a good person.

She’s great to look at and is in great shape.

She’s smart.

Both of us have talked to her several times, and both of us come back and say the same thing; she’s a bean counter of love.

She keeps score, a tally like it’s a competition.

See, love to her is not unconditional. It’s conditional. To break it down even more, love to her is all about doling it out. She will only give love if she feels like she has gotten something for it. And even then, she will only give on the level that she feels you ‘deserve’, based on what she got from you.

She is literally a love bean counter. An act of love from her will only follow two counts of love from the man she’s giving the one act of love to.

She’s keeping score.

You see it in her dynamics with men. She’s always negotiating, competing, making sure she is not vulnerable.

To her, love is like a football game and she doesn’t want to be down a touchdown when the clock runs out. She has to keep her defenses up in case you try to ‘score’, or ‘steal’ love without getting anything in return.

To give her love on its own scares the hell out of her, and of course, ironically, it’s what she desires the most.

I’ve seen so many marriages devolve into this ‘love competition’ and it is the beginning of the end.

Many of the men I coach complain about meeting divorced women being bitter or shut down. Which translates to the single biggest problem facing single women today; too much masculine energy.

Men are attracted by vulnerability, they fall in love with it. And if you are keeping score, or ‘counting beans’, you are not letting them see the most attractive and enticing part of you.

Love is about giving unconditionally and expecting nothing in return.

Doesn’t that scare the shit out of you?

Love is giving, without caring if there’s something coming back..

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve definitely been a bean counter of love. I have done things in the past and wanted something in return., I’ve demanded it and even destroyed relationships when I was keeping score. I’ve done my share of bean counting of love, several times in fact.

But what I’ve learned about love as I grow older and as I mature as a man, is that love is an unconditional act. It is something you give to somebody because you choose to give it to them. You choose in that moment to love them.

When you choose to love somebody, it’s not done on a condition that you’re going to get something in return. It’s not an exchange. It’s not a barter system. Nor is it currency.

Love comes from the heart.

If I choose to give you love, like right now, I’m giving you something from my heart, that will hopefully help you blossom and love greater. I’m not expecting anything back from you.

I’m posting this on my site. I’m not expecting you to buy anything. I’m not expecting you to give me money. All I am doing here is giving you an act of love.

But we don’t do that, as a culture, as a group, as a whole. We’re so afraid because what happens, if we actually have to give love to somebody? It means we’re going to have to be vulnerable. And if we don’t expect anything back, we are not going to get the return we’re looking for.

And that’s really what love is all about. It’s what we do with our kids.

I tell my daughter I love her. She says nothing back to me. I get nothing back. No words. And I’m okay.

As a matter of fact, I tell her I love her all the time and I barely ever hear it back from her. When I do hear it, it’s amazing. But when I don’t hear it, it’s equally amazing because I’m giving her an act of love. I love her to death. I love her for who she is. I love her in this present moment, and I’m just sharing with her, and I don’t expect anything back.

I see lots of mothers who get lost in their children.

They give them so many acts of love. The bean counter is turned off.love-meter-top-image

They tell their kids they love them 14 times a day. They do loving things for their kids. They cook them meals, they do things, they take them places, they play games they would never play before.

They do it because it’s safe. No matter what, whether you love your kid or hate your kid or are mean to your kid, the kid is going to love you. They’re programmed to love you. They haven’t learned enough. They haven’t learned that you’re an asshole.

So they love you no matter what. And it’s safe to give love to a child. It’s the safest thing in the world to do because we’re born and bred to love our own flesh and blood. It feels safe.

But when it comes down to giving that unconditional love to another person, who’s not our flesh and blood, that’s when it becomes scary.

That’s when the bean counting comes.

The bean counter that I know, she’s beautiful, she’s amazing, and I wish her nothing but love. But she keeps score all the time too much. And that’s not what love is all about.

Love is about just giving, putting yourself out there. Loving somebody and not asking for anything back.