Let me share with you a very interesting story about the dynamics of interpersonal relationships — friends and lovers. Let’s say your (same sex) friend is dating someone you really don’t like.

You say to your friend, “Look, man, this woman is not good for you. She’s exactly like Mary was. She’s a taker . . . etc etc etc.” When you do that, how does that other person usually respond?

Well, your friend usually listens to you. Then at the end of the conversation, he will say something to you like, “You know, I never looked at it that way” or “You may be right. I’d like to talk about it more.” You don’t get into a fight with him. You don’t yell and scream at each other.

Now compare that scenario to this one. Say your lover comes to you and says, “I really don’t like the way you’ve been lately. You’ve been really cold. You’ve really not been very affectionate. You used to rub my head all the time, and now you don’t.”

Instead of listening to our lover, what do we do? We become defensive.

We say something like, “What are you talking about? I rubbed your head two nights ago. What do you mean I’m not in touch with you anymore? Just the other day I made you breakfast.”

You start listing things you’ve done, which in turn makes your lover feel unsafe. Do you know how hard it is to go to your lover — your partner — and tell them what you told them?

You’re not saying to them, “You really don’t love me.” What you’re really telling them is, “Your behavior has changed a bit, it’s affecting me and our love doesn’t feel full. So I’m sharing this with you because I love you, and I want you to do these things for me because you’re the only one who can. Now I can fulfill my own needs, but it’s so much more beautiful when you take the time out and rub my head or listen to me after a hard day at work.”

The problem is that we get so defensive. We get defensive because we interpret this as, “Damn, they’re not satisfied. They don’t love me anymore.”

We jump to conclusions. Our egos jump into the mix. Our control issues jump into the mix.

We don’t listen to our lover like we listen to a friend. If we listened to our lover like we listened to our friends, then you would be so entwined with each other that there would be none of this type of ‘tit for tat’ arguments.

Those ‘tit for tat’ arguments in which it is a back and forth of ‘you don’t do this’ and ‘well you don’t do that’ never lead anywhere good. You never have those kind of arguments with a friend.

You don’t ever talk this way to a friend. A friend you love, honor and listen to when they have something to say to you.

Because we’re in a relationship, though, we think our partner is complaining about us when they say the same kind of things. In reality, what they are doing is crying out for something that they need and desire. You are the lucky person who is the one who can give them what they truly need, and the person they are able to be open and vulnerable enough to ask to do it.

When you get defensive and don’t do what they are asking of you, you are basically telling them that you are in control. You are really being passive aggressive, and telling them “I’m not going to do these things you want, because I interpret you asking as complaining.”

The truth is that it is YOU they want all along. So the next time your lover comes to you and tells you the things they need and desire — or maybe the things you haven’t done — listen to them.

Write the things down that they tell you, and start doing them the very next day. Then watch and see the love between you blossom even more. Watch them start doing even more things you want for you. Watch your intimacy grow. If you think you’re having good sex now, just wait!

Having trouble keeping the peace in your relationship, and sick of arguing about the same stuff over and over again? Click Here to end this for good, and to reignite the passion in your relationship.