I am getting really tired of all the negative thinking and venting that is going on here.
You think you have it rough?
Do you really think your that un-dateable and ugly?
Do you think your life is so hard that no one will love you or want to be with you?
Do you really think that nothing is ever going to change?
Well here is a reality check.
Watch this video and let me know how you feel now.
Its time the pity party comes to an end.
About David
1.7 million men & women come to me every month to find the secrets to success. And after 20 years of coaching, I’ve discovered the golden keys to success in dating, business, health and wellness, and life.
I’ve helped millions of men and women around the globe achieve success in their dating, social and personal lives. I’m also a father to the world’s cutest little girl, and I am an unapologetic man. Some say I’m nuts, others say I’ve changed their life forever. One thing’s for certain: I’ll always give you the truth, whether you can handle it or not. I never sugar coat anything.
Nice is so overrated. I’d prefer brutally honest breakthrough to a “nice” rut any damn day of the week. If you’re the same way, then you've come to the right place.
Gabery, your comments do not go unnoticed, so post away!
Love Nietzsche, and of the little philosophy that I know, he's one of my all-time favorites. Now there was a sick guy!
Gabery, the next time you find yourself in a situation like that, I want you to picture David (or me) sitting right there next to you. Then I want you to picture me asking you, "What's the first thing you notice about her?"
The first thing you notice about her, the very first thing that pops into your mind (don't say, "Nice legs" :) ), that's what I want you to say. Not to the imaginary me next to you, but to the girl you want to talk to.
Absolutely right. We should be grateful for the things we do have rather than bitch about the things we don't. Yes we all have problems but there is usually someone who is worse off who we wouldn't switch places with. If you can think about that then you might realize that you're not in such a bad position after all.
Gabery, you've nailed it.
You just have to picture yourself saying everything you say with great confidence. Speak to her with enthusiasm. Like a friend.
It really doesn't matter what you say. "I love your hair," "That's some great blond curly hair you've got," "Wow you're stuying the history of Afghanistan..."
You can even say, "Hey how's your shift going?" :)
It doesn't matter at all.
It's how you feel about yourself and how engaged you are in the conversation that matters the most.
@John Haha, well at least you talked to her!!
I'm going for a Starbucks run right now, and I'm going to use the same "line." I'll report back shortly...
Great post here. I indeed think there has been much counter-productive negative thinking lately. Constructive criticism is needed. Negativism is not.
Sometimes, just sometimes, one good rant can be liberating, even more than a kick in the butt... ONE rant. Then moving on. When ranting becomes an instinctive and habitual thing to do, there is something wrong on a level way deeper than what we're actually ranting about.
Sometimes I want to comment on the blogs, but I don't. Because I think someone will come whine about something for the Xth time, and my comment will remain unnoticed, so why bother ? OR I start writing a comment, and in doing so I re-read some of the previous replies, and it just discourages me. So I close the window without clicking "Submit".
@Mag : you're very right. Since Ancient Greece, philosophers have postulated that the only freedom we have is recognizing our place in the world and accepting it. Nietzsche has retaken these ideas and turned them into one of the greatest philosophies ever. While I do not fully agree with that, as I believe in free will, it definitely deserves some thought.
This is so true. John should be counting his blessings that he is not confined to a wheelchair, terminally ill, disabled, or morbidly obesse. It's too easy to drink your own kook-aid of sorrow. Where is the progress, moving forward and overcoming? Dude needs to get over himself. Fat people get laid too and we have John here throwing a daily pitty party about being ugly. Get over it, amplify your strengths and get out there and practice talking to women.
I have a question for... any coach here !
This morning, while on the bus, a pretty cute girl sat next to me. After a few minutes, she took out a stack of papers, which were photocopies of university notes. The topic was the history of Afghanistan, descriptions of the Taliban regime, things like that ; which is a topic I don't know much about.
I searched for something to say to her, but couldn't find anything. Yeah, I definitely thought too much and eventually the monkey chatter crept in. But it made me wonder : at what point should I have talked to her ? As soon as she took out her notes ? A minute or two afterwards ? I think it's not that important, ultimately I should decide when I want to talk to her, but I wonder anyways...
Also, if anyone has an idea of what I could have said... I don't know, I didn't feel like asking her for what class these notes were or that she tells me about the text itself...
Oh and a little P.S. : The "Is your Home Dateable" blog has inspired me a lot for my own apartment. Thanks to David for the topic, and thanks to anyone who submitted pictures !
Cheers ! :-)
David,
The blog really needed that today, so thanks.
Perspective Is the key to the proper mindset. I may not be rich, but now seeing the homeless on a regular basis makes me appreciate the income I do have. I may not be a big tall strong guy, but at least once a week in the city I observe people that are half MY size, stuck in those powered wheelchairs with oxygen tanks. Embracing who you are and being thankful that your fate is within your control, that is one of the many steps to true manhood.
@gabery. I'm no coach but my two cents is if you took that much time to read the stack of paper, you were already looking for too long. David preaches react to the observation. You saw a huge stack of notes, if I had been there and had the sense to react in that moment I may have said "jeez that's a lot of notes, what are you studying?" and when she said the topic of the middle east I could have said "the last thing I learned about the middle east was when I saw the movie Alladin as a kid, and I don't think that was very accurate. So tell me about it." all you would have to do from there is listen.
For now gabery appreciate the fact that you are seeing opportunities, keep observing and thinking and eventually your thought will just jump out of your mouth and you will find yourself in an interesting conversation.
I know there are are people in the world who have it a million times worse than me but yet I still hate my life. I don't want to but I still do. I hate that I don't have the confidence to walk up to a woman and try to connect with her. I can't just flick the positive switch on!
I actually did talk to my barista girl for a while. It was a really fun conversation.
It was my first time in that Starbucks, so figure I'd get to know a few of my locals.
I did in fact start by saying, "How's the shift going?" just so I could report back here. But then I thought it sounded dumb in the moment and she looked like a very bored Brooklyn hipster. So after she said, "Fiiiiine," I commented on her "Save Ferris" pin.
"Band or movie?" I say.
"Movie of course!" she says and her eyes light up.
I lean in, whisper, "You touch me and I yell rat!"
She cracks up. We talk a bit, she lives in the cool run-down area of Brooklyn, I live in the nice picturesque area, I talk about how I hate all the designer baby strollers and kids running around the neighborhood at 3pm, bla bla.
I order my dbl espresso. She asks for my name.
"Abe Froman."
"Ha ha. The sausage king of Chicago?"
"That's right..."
Smile and wink. Instant connection.
Yep, right on board with you Dan. Nothing is bad when said in the right light.
Ok, that's a dead horse for today :)
Dan, really your friend used the floss line? I thought that was a Shogo original.
By the way, that's something to say in a bar when alcohol and fun is involved (definitely NOT Starbucks at midday--that was a joke :) )
Why are you guys picking on ME???
I think there is someone on here who does a whole lot more complaining about his appearance than I do,,, I won't mention any names..
But,, anyway,,,
Just because there is someone in the world who has it worse than I do, doesn't make me attractive.
That is like saying,,, if you are facing bankruptcy , that just because there are starving kids in Africa, who have it worse than you,, that you can now magically pay the bills. Other peolple's worse situation doesn't make yours any better.
@DeLa,, what do you mean get out there and practice talking to women? I talk to women all the time. They talk back,, to be POLITE. They are not ATTRACTED to me.
John
I knew you would find a way to rationalize this. You never answered me when I made you that offer in an email.
And no one is picking on you. By the way check out the comments through the day and let me know what is missing from the blog.
Godfather, good lord, what did you write?!?
Actually, I like the first two lines at the beginning the best--the ones you say NOT to use.
“Have you ever been snorkeling?”
“Who’s your favorite Star Wars character?”
Those are amazing first lines.
The Star Wars one I'm going to use at a bar this weekend to the most attractive group of women I see: "Excuse me but I noticed you ladies over there and I really just had to come over and ask you...Who's your favorite Star Wars character and why?"
Guaranteed conversation starter.
@Paula R: I've been dying to tell you this all semester...you have amazing nostrils. Can I take you snorkeling?
What's missing???
Ummm, a Jets winning season?? :)
(I did get back to you. ,, I'm not going to buy a boot camp. Can't afford it,, (and if I could,, I'm too financially responsible to pay that kind of money for one.).
I told you I'm planning on making it to a seminar next year...
John
That is for selvedge denim always more. Look at all the sales and you will find great deals and really cool stuff.
Especially the shoes and boots.
That's a BOLD prediction,, considering the jets are 5-4 ,, and the Bengals are currently tied with Baltimore for 2nd in Afc n.
Don't forget the Bengals whipped the also 5-4 Titans.
Brian, actually I do stuff like that all the time.
The reason it works is because they don't believe that I'm being serious. I'm already making fun of myself and the situation. It's all about showing a sense of self-deprecating humor, that you don't take the situation seriously, and you're just having fun with it.
Plus you're differentiating yourself from all the stone-faced posers in the bar.
Disclaimer: if you actually do look very dorky, this will not work. You can't look like you actually sit at home and watch Star Trek marathons.
@Paula: Han Solo was my first crush too. (Uh, you know, if I HAD to bang a guy...)
We'll hit the water get you away from that mountain-dwelling bf of yours for a day. I'll pick us out some matching snorkels--what color are your toenails?
And don't worry about the sunscreen, my local Y has an indoor pool ;)
The NFL is all about the teams from the NFC North this year, and the fact that Peyton Manning proved once again he's the most irreplacable player. Ever.
?? Who's paying attention to NFC north??
Green bay is walking away with that division. Sure, the turnaround of Detroit is a big story,, but they won't catch GB.
And Minnesota is 2-7.
The action is always in the AFC NORTH. Any division that includes Pittsburgh is a tough division.
Sure, Bengals went down to Pittsburgh,, but it would've been different if not for the loss of AJ green in the first half. He came down on that leg really HARD, but WHAT A CATCH!!!.
The fall of indy after losing 1 player says a lot about Manning though.
Yeah well, at least I'm not that guy hehe. I've found that becoming a more positive person doesn't happen overnight. It's something you have to be conscious of everyday. And when you think about something negative and then think to yourself, "That was negative knock that shit off" that's a step in the right direction. Then after weeks of practice, it's more of a habit than anything else.
Hey David. I noticed was the top related video from the video I posted. Is that where you found this video?
For you all guys who wish they had big balls, check this video out:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgHlDHwNH2Q&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Just wondering if this blog was a result of the comment I made on the 3some blog last night.
"When did the comments get so weird and depressing on this site lol? Used to be read the blog a lot and now I just check in from time to time, but some of the comments are sad."
@Shogo : thanks for your advice as well. And I'll make sure I do what you suggest, maybe it'll give me a new perspective on things...
Though in that particular situation, I still don't know... The first thing I noticed about her was clearly her bright blond curly hair (usually I'm not that much into blondes, but this one you saw coming from ten miles away !)... I can't imagine what I would have said. Even with all the confidence in the world, it feels awkward to me just going "Hey, I love your hair..." Note, maybe that's exactly the problem : since I don't have that much confidence, I have a hard time picturing myself saying it, and thus I don't...
Jeff
I read the comments and the blog is all about supporting one another.
So if someone on the blog becomes a negative distraction, then the action that follows is for the better of the blog.
So thanks for the comments and I appreciate your feedback.
@shogo,, I am at Starbucks as I type this.
I said to the Barista,, "so,, how's your shift going?"
She looked at me like I had lost my mind!
I cracked up. Lol.
@godfather,,, that video reminded me of the south park episode where all the men in town gave themselves testicular cancer by sticking their balls in the microwave, so they could buy medicinal weed,, and they were all hopping around town on their balls.. lol.
@shogo,,, I talk to women all the time.
But,, while I was at Starbucks,, I was sitting in one of the leather chairs by the window,, and I looked up at the counter, and there was a beautiful, blonde ordering a drink. After she got her drink,, she walked towards the chairs I was sitting in, (all the other chairs by me were empty), and she stopped, and sat at a table right by my chair,, and sat with her back facing me.
I looked up. I scoped out her left hand,, no rings. I tried to think of something I could say,, and when I looked back, she was hunched over the table, and working on something in a notebook,,, and her black thong crept up out of her jeans in the rear.
I thought about shogo's advice, and tried to think, what is the first thing I notice? Well, can't mention the thong, lol. I couldn't come up with anything else to say.
I got up, and walked past her chair, to throw my empty cup away,, and looked on her table. No phone to comment on. No idea what she was working on. She never looked up, she just concentrated on whatever she was doing. I'm sure she wanted to meet someone, because whatever she was working on, I'm sure she could have worked on at home,, right?
The monkey chatter in my head had gotten loud by that point,, so I ended up leaving, and now I'm here, at home, depressed, beating myself up over the head for not being able to come up with something to say.
I have gotten better at approaching women in general,, but the really pretty ones that I find attractive,, I still struggle with.
@John : I hear you man. Happened to me a few times lately. Happened to a guy who's close to me as well.
Just don't despair. If nothing else, tell yourself that next time you'll do it, until you do. Even if you *think* you *know* in your heart of hearts that you never will, just... pretend that you will !
Try to get out of that sad moment as fast as you can, and challenge yourself to go again. If you don't do it next time, repeat. It might take you one, 10, or 100 times, but I'm sure you'll do it ! At the very least, you'll have died trying ! ;-)
John aside from the lack of rings the first thing you noticed was the notebook, even before her thong you mentioned it. Go with that. Something like
"looks like you are hard at work there are you a writer?"
if she says yes ask her what she writes about.
If she just says "no" Say something witty like
"oh you have that artistic look about you thought you might be a famous poetess I had the pleasure to meet... Wait is it poet or poetess? Like actor actress..." and go from there
being attractive and having good looks are 2 different things, one you're born with (even then one could make pretty strong argument against that) and the other well is learned.
also john why not just say "hey what are you working on" and go from there?
@David I don't own any of your products.. I'm a general assistant in a superstore in the UK saving money for a fitness personal instructor course and to move out of the parents house. Also I'm a College dropout.
The thing about "How's your shift?" or anything you say, it has to be done with warmth and confidence. When I offered that as a suggestion to Manny, the point was to get him to say anything. I could tell he was a warm and confident guy who just needed a little push. And it worked for him.
The point is that you have to be warm, be confident and have a strong tone of voice.
As for the floss comment... my friend actually did that and it lead to him getting laid. It was crazy... he wasn't great with women either except for that one time where he made a comment about floss and a thong.
After training for three days at this sales job, I've noticed something. We were given a script and tons and tons of information about every aspect of truck and car sales. When we got on the phones, most of the people who were training with me tried to put their own spin on the script. They went home, thought about how they would say it and what they would say, then came back with something quite different from what we had been given. It may have been written a little better, but they were thinking way too hard and couldn't keep the guy on the phone.
I, on the other hand figured that if these guys gave us a script, who was I to say it wouldn't work the way it was. I just read the script the way it was, barreled through what they had written, and asked for the close. I was able to keep the guy on the phone easier. It didn't really matter what I was saying because I was confident about it.
It's the same with an opening line. If you say anything confidently, it doesn't matter what you say. You're different than most guys tripping over themselves, and at the very least, you're going to be intriguing. Whether you can keep her in the conversation is up to you.
@chris ,, I thought about saying exactly that,, but thought that sounded too nosy. It would have been different if I had gotten an approach invitation,, but I don't think she ever knew I was there.
@John: I have seen that South Park episode and it was pretty hilarious. As for the woman in the coffee shop, what KJD said would have initiated a conversation. If you can't think of anything to talk about, just asking somebody how their day is going. It may not seem like a unique way of starting a conversation with somebody but you will be surprised on how many people can be receptive to that. I even find a lot of strangers asking me that same phrase on the street. I also find complimenting people on their clothing works. If you like what someone is wearing, tell them what you like about what they are wearing and ask them where they got it. Check out my next post. I found 101 conversation starters for anybody to use to converse with both men and women.
Below are 101 types of conversation starters you can use on your first date, at a party, in business, with guys or girls, or on family and friends.
The 101 great conversation openers are simple, yet don’t be fooled. They’re effective. The most important point to remember when using any conversation starter is they aim to start the conversation. “Ice-breakers” break the ice; they don’t heat up the planet and make mother nature flourish.
Conversational openers are not intended to make people laugh or get people to like you. Guys, you can make a woman think you’re a primal beast to be captured in the later stages of a conversation. Attempting to impress someone with your first words makes you nervous, which discourages you from starting a conversation. It also makes you look like a try hard in need of approval.
What Makes a Great Conversation Starter?
The best conversation starters are situation-specific. Try asking someone, “Have you ever been snorkeling?” or “Who’s your favorite Star Wars character?” and the conversation may end as soon as it began (unless you’re in a diving class or at a nerd function… I’m mean, Star Wars convention.)
While generic openers and stock material can be used in most situations, use proven formulas like opinion openers to construct your own ice-breakers for situations you find yourself in throughout the week.
Here’s an exercise to help you develop excellent openers. Think of the top three situations you find yourself in like a coffee shop, supermarket, or place at work. Now think of 10 things to say in each situation.
Having done that, you already have 30 amazing conversation starters. Do that exercise to always know what to say to anyone. I encourage you to go over the massive list of openers revealed in this article applying the simple exercise you just did.
Alright, before we get started, you’d say “Hey” or “Hi” as your first words for most of the 101 starters. I’ve left them out because it’d be redundant. Lastly, keep in mind some openers placed under one category like “Funny Conversation Starters” can be used in situations filed under other categories like “Conversation Starters for Guys with Girls”.
Let’s get talking and working through this gigantic list of ways to start a conversation based off my Big Talk Training Course. We’ll start off basic because that’s all you need in many situations:
101 Conversation Starters Anyone can Use in Any Situation:
“I’m [your first name].” Most people reciprocate an exchange of information. Give them your name, they’ll give you theirs.
“How are ya doing right now?” “How’s ya day been so far?” Slightly vary the question, “How are you?” No one answers that trite question or gives it any thought.
“How’s your [the day of the week] been?” “What’s happened for you today?” “How was your trip?” “How’d you sleep last night?” We’re happy to talk about simple events when they’ve recently occurred. We love to blabber about our delayed flight, the traffic jam, or the sunburn on our arm within a day or so of it happening.
“Hey.” Smile then walk away. Repeat each time you meet the person and build towards a casual conversation. Say it in an environment like a gym when you meet someone over and over. Eventually you’ll feel like friends and have something good to talk about. When you have something else to say, have the confidence to say it.
“What do you think of that book?” “Looks like a great drink. What is it?” “I love this place because it’s got great energy.” These examples are situational openers – the most common type of conversation starter. Simply comment on your surroundings.
“Where are you from?” This is best if you think the person is not from the area or the location is something like a seminar, convention, or university where people from diverse towns come together. Let the conversation spread from their as you talk about the city’s sporting teams, cultural icons, and famous landmarks.
“This might seem a little weird, but I like your posture. It makes you stand out nicely.” “Nice shirt. Where did you get it?” “I love your style!” These examples are compliment openers.
“It’s so hot today.” “The great sun is burning this afternoon.” “It’s freezing! Do you know the temperature?” Talk about the weather. “Don’t knock the weather,” said American cartoonist Kin Hubbard, “nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.”
“I don’t know anyone around here so I thought I’d come talk to you.” “I’m a little nervous talking with strangers, but I just had to come say hi.” “I know no one here so I thought I’d introduce myself to you.” These examples are what I call the “vulnerable introduction”. Make your opener reveal what’s filling your body with anxiety and you’ll endear people.
“I’m out meeting new, interesting people tonight. Mind if we chat for a minute?” “You guys look like you’re having fun. That’s so cool that I just had to come talk to you.” “I had to come talk to you because your shirt made me laugh.” Reveal your reason for approaching the person or group.
“What about the game last night!” “Yankees aren’t doing so well this season.” “You’re flowers are looking lovely.” Talk about something you know the person is interested in.
“I was just listening to the radio on my way here and can’t believe what happened in Africa. Have you heard about the flying frozen fish?” Study the news before an event to learn what’s hot.
“Normally people start a conversation by talking about what’s in the news, but I haven’t been paying any attention. What’s been going on? Is the President dead?” If you’re like me and never consume the daily news (it’s mental pollution from corporations wanting readership), ask about the news. Use humor whenever possible to release tension.
“I believe we saw each other at James’ party.” “I think we ran into each other at the trade event last month.” “Did we meet last year at Church?” Start by talking about previous brief interactions.
“How’s your Christmas preparations going?” “How’d the New Year go for you?” “Spring Break has been crazy. What’s happened to you at Spring Break so far?” Talk about holiday preparations, experiences, and fun times. The person is guaranteed to do something for holidays like Christmas making it a good opener.
Wear a big talk people-magnet. As described in my Big Talk book, big talk people-magnets are items people will approach you to talk about. Such items include earrings, jewelery, tattoos, an unusual hair cut or color, a pinned item on your shirt or top, or a slogan t-shirt. People want to talk to you so help put words in their mouth.
Cold-Read Conversation Starters to Use on Anyone
“You look like a [teacher/fashion designer/entrepreneur/some noble profession].” The person feels appreciated and always asks why.
“You seem like a [kind/hard working/problem solving/positive personality trait] person. I like that.” The compliment makes them feel great and leads you to talk about others without such a qualities.
“You look like a [outgoing/talkative/friendly/people-magnetic trait] person. I’ll talk to you!”
“I’m curious. Would your friends say you’re an [outgoing/understanding/open/positive personality trait] person?”
“I like your [necklace/shirt/hair/personal trait or item]. I bet that says a lot about your personality.” No one hates a compliment or someone interested in one’s personality.
“You guys know each from work?” “You guys look like you’ve been friends since school.” “You guys spending the night out together?” This one is good for groups. Predict their relationship with one another.
“I’m practicing a new skill called ‘cold-reading’ on people I don’t yet know. Let me quickly try it on you. It’ll be fun.” Confidently assert you’ll cold-read; don’t ask for permission.
Grab my free magical conversation starter for more great advice on coming up with your own cold-reads in conversation to instantly make people like you.
Conversation Starters for Guys with Girls
“I need a girl’s opinion about something I was just discussing with a friend who broke up with his girlfriend. He made out with another woman straight after his relationship break up. Is he a jerk?” Get a female opinion.
“I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.” “You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!” “Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?” Tease cheesy pick-up lines. Make sure you say the pick-up line in a joking manner.
“Who lies more: men or women?” “Is it wrong to break up with a text message?” Ask a controversial question to a group of women then watch their eyes open wide and hear the chatter break out.
“I want a woman’s perspective on this. I was just talking a friend who had broken up
and his girlfriend keeps calling. Why does she do it?” Ask a question about someone’s relationship. Women love to share their opinion on relationships.
“You caught my attention because you’re cute so I had to come talk to you.”
“Nice boots. Do you have your horse parked outside?” “Nice shoes. They look comfortable.” “Nice top. My grandma has one.” Say it playfully. Lightly tease the woman about something she’ll giggle over. Be prepared for banter otherwise you could be eaten alive by a witty woman.
“Can I help you?” Ask this in a shop. Playfully pretend to be an employee.
“Hmm, are you friendly?” Say it with a suspicious and playful look. Most women will not say no. “Good, I’ll talk to you.” If she does say no, you can overlook it, use it as banter material, or take it as a warning sign to leave the grump alone. This opener is more suited to entertainment venues.
Conversation Starters for Girls with Guys
“I need a guy’s opinion on something that just happened with a friend. Would you read your girlfriend’s email if you thought she was cheating on you?” Get a male opinion.
“Where can I find a good coffee shop around here?” “I need help rubbing sunscreen on my back. I’m unfortunately not double-jointed. Can you help put it on?” “What’s a great country to visit?” Ask for his help. Guys love to give advice (as if you didn’t know that.)
“I’ll do a trade with you. You give me that burger and I’ll give you this awful coffee.” Make a playful trade. You can make up anything based on something each of you have at the time.
“Can you take a photo for me to send a friend?” Get him to join in the photo.
“Can you reserve my seat for me?” “Can you look after these books until I get back?” Ask him to watch something for you – just don’t leave your bag behind for him. You’re opening a conversation for your return, not putting the country at threat or testing if he’d make an honest husband.
“Nice [shoes/shirt/bag/material item]. I’ve been thinking of getting one for a friend. Where can I get one?” Question something you complimented.
“Oh! Sorry for bumping into you.” “Oh no! I’m sorry for spilling my drink on you.” The accident opener isn’t the best because its subtly may mean you have to spill a drink on the guy three times for him to pick up your interest in starting a conversation. I’ve heard of some women using this conversation starter by burning men with cigarettes! Don’t be talking to me b****! Create an accident if you’re absolutely lost for words, but be careful you don’t do damage.
“You should come talk to me.” Smile over your shoulder as you walk away without giving him a chance to respond. Mystery is sexy.
Shoo away your friends for a moment to be alone. Many guys talk to women in bars and clubs when the woman’s friends get a drink or go to toilet – it’s the guy’s chance to attack the lonely gazelle.
Conversation Starters for Families or Friends
“Where’s [Uncle Terry/New York crew/missing family or friend] today?”
“Are you going to Jim’s wedding?” “What celebrations are coming up in your family?” Weddings, births, and birthdays are all memorable events family members and friends can talk about. Divorces are memorable, but depressing.
“How have you been this past year?” “Great to see you. What’s changed in your life since the last time we met?” (Recall the last time you met to get bonus points). Catch up on the person’s life – my favorite opener to use with family and friends.
Bring up a memorable moment or anecdote your family or friends remember, such as a funny story, an embarrassing mishap, or a trip everyone enjoyed. This starter initiates multiple conversations about similar moments.
“What do you have planned for the weekend?” “What’s happening for you Friday?” “What’s on your calendar this week?”
“What’s one thing you’re really thankful for?”
“What’s something I don’t know about you that you think I should know? Like… are you a stalker?” “What’s one thing that’s new in your life?” “What’s recently changed in your life?”
Conversation Starters for Couples
Most of these are useful when the couple are already in rapport and chatting:
“What do you most admire about our [family/home/relationship/something with positive qualities]?”
“What’s one thing you’ve wanted to tell me, but haven’t?”
“I like how you smile when I come home from work.” Compliments replenish the energy in relationships often drained from criticism and lead to great conversations.
“In your dream house, what one room must you have?”
“What’s a memory between us that stands out for you?”
“What does this [flower/meal/atmosphere/something in the environment] remind you of?” Make sure the object you’re commenting on has history in your relationship.
“What three values do you most want our children to carry on throughout life?” “What principles do you want our children to live by?” “How do you want our children to best live life?”
“If you happen to leave Earth before I do, how would you like me to remember you?” You’ll discover the ideal image of your partner, which you can use to increase understanding and intimacy.
First Date Conversation Starters
“How am I doing so far?” Say it sarcastically once the date starts (you’re making fun of someone needy.)
“What’s the one defining moment of your life so far?”
“What’s one thing you most want to do?” Gather information for a later date to blow their mind away.
“What three words best describe you?”
“What’s something your friends don’t even know about you?”
“Ignoring your criminal history, what’s the baddest thing you’ve done?” Here you set the frame that she is the problematic one and it gives you call-back humor of her being a bad ass.
“What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?”
Talk about a funny, embarrassing moment you had with a member of the opposite sex to ease any tension.
Please don’t make the first date or any conversation a needy interview. Question sparingly.
Party Conversation Starters
“Do you know [the host's name]?” If they don’t, it doesn’t matter. You’re finding out how they fit into the party, an easy ice-breaker allowing for more conversation about the party and its people.
“What’d you get up to earlier today?”
“I love this party. People are just having fun. Are you having fun?” “This is an awesome night. How’s your night been?” “The people here are great and add to the fun. Having fun here?” You get the idea.
“You better win. I’ve got a bet going with a friend.” Apply this to a game of pool, darts, drinking competition – whatever game you’re bound to see at a party. If the person loses or wins, you’ve got good call-back humor to bring repeat laughs for the rest of the night: “You’re doing well tonight”, “I think you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning”, “I’m going to invest my house on you winning a poker tournament. Then you can win and we’ll go retire in Las Vegas and blow all our money.”
“I’m trying to settle a bet with a friend. How many oceans are there in the world?” Mention the bet then ask any piece of trivia.
“Can you help me open this bottle?” Good for the ladies to make a guy feel macho. Just make sure it isn’t a plastic screw lid on a soft-drink bottle. If you game like a ditsy blonde, cool by me.
If you’re hosting a party, get a conversation starter kit with questions on cards to break the ice. Table Topics are a company that make such cards for many occasions like parties, teens, couples, and the dinner table. You can by them here.
Conversation Starters at the Gym
People serious about working out (yes, the hot ones) don’t like to talk at the gym. You may want to precede all the following gym conversation starters with, “I’ll quickly let you get back to working out, but…” Use the following openers to keep your chat short, leaving your conversation partner feeling respected:
“You look like you know what you’re doing. What’s a good exercise to target my lower abs?”
“Can you spot me?”
“How’s your workout going?” This is good to ask at the watercooler or when both of you are resting between sets.
“Can you check my form for this set and give me any feedback?”
If you’re female, ask a guy for help moving heavy weights. Let him catch your eye on his arms. He’ll love it. Every gym-going guy wants to flaunt his strength to women. Call it ego, but I opt for a primal endeavor to create attraction by displaying one’s fitness for survival.
Funny Conversation Starters
“What was the best thing before sliced bread?” “In an emergency, why do you have to break glass to get a hammer to break glass?” “Can crop circles be square?” Pick a few stock ironic questions to ask anyone. Ask a question with a clueless, serious look then switch your body language over to “I’m playing around”.
“You know what they say about people who [run in the morning/drink espressos/talk to themselves/anything the person is doing]?” They’ll say, “No. What?” Giggle and leave the mystery open or say, “Nothing. I’m just messing with ya.”
“Why shouldn’t you take a Pokemon into the bathroom? He might Pikachu.” Tell a simple joke. Few people tell a joke to someone they don’t know – it’s never happened to me.
“What’s your biggest pet peeve?” People will usually giggle over their pet peeves because we know how silly little annoyances can be.
“My mum said I shouldn’t talk to strangers, but you don’t look scary.” “My grandmother said I shouldn’t talk to strangers, but you don’t look like you’d kidnap me.” People with a sense of humor will usually role play being scary or a kidnapper after such a playful opener.
“Look at that fighting couple. I’ve never seen so much love before.” This comedic technique is exaggeration. Observe something then exaggerate it to a humorous level.
Tell a funny story that relates to the situation.
Deep, Meaningful Conversation Starters
“When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?” This question allows both of you to reflect on childhood hopes and dreams.
“Are you a person who does their duty or forges their own path?”
“I’ve been asking a few people this and want your opinion because you seem like an intelligent person: is it more important to be respected or loved?”
“What do you like about this [music/event/holiday/almost anything].” Exploring people’s opinions instead of talking about objective facts makes the conversation personal.
“How does this [music/event/holiday/almost anything] make you feel?” Inquire the person about the affect something has on him or her.
“What were the highs and lows of your day, today?” Don’t ask unless you really want to know.
“What’s something you regret?” “What one thing would you change in your life at the moment?” “If you could go back in time, what one thing would you change?”
“What gives you the greatest joy in life?” “What makes you the happiest?” “If you’re about to die, what do you need to have done to be fulfilled?”
The effectiveness of these openers like many others depend on who you chat with. Ask a teenage dude, “Are you a person who does their duty or forges their own path?” and he’ll roll his eyes thinking you’re a weirdo.
There’s more to selecting the right topic for a meaningful conversation, however. In fact, what you talk about has little to do with a deep conversation. A meaningful conversation is about connection created from deep rapport. If you want to forge a deep connection with others, grab my Big Talk book.
Conversation Starters that Get People Talking
While most starters up to this point have been openers (your first few words), the following are good sticks to stir up a conversational fire. Think of them as “conversation starters that keep the conversation going”.
If any seem awkward, it’s a matter of bridging them to the relevant topic. Preface the following statements or questions with something to avoid looking like you have conversational ADD:
“What’s hot in your life at the moment?” Hear about the big event in the person’s life.
“What hobbies are taking up your time?” Much more interesting than talking about work again.
“What do you for fun?”
“What have you been doing in your time off recently?”
“What’s the first thing you notice about a person?” “In your opinion, what makes a good first impression?” “Jill has such a great personality. I wonder why.” Talk about what relates to building friends and influencing people. Ask interesting questions most people haven’t answered before.
“What countries have you been to?” People love to travel. If they haven’t been overseas, ask, “Where would you like to go?”
“If you wrote a book, what would it be about?” “What would you do if [he/the US President/Angelina Jolie/a known person] showed up right now?” “I wonder what your DJ name would be?” Make up an endless array of hypothetical scenarios.
“Have you ever [been to Australia/seen a monkey acting human/something unusually interesting]?” One off experiences start a good conversation.
“What’s the last thing you purchased online?” Online purchases aren’t a social experience so they can make an interesting conversation.
“What movies have you seen lately?” “What’s on your music playlist at the moment?” “Watched any good shows or DVDs recently?” “What book are you currently reading?”
“Last time we talked, you were… What happened?” “How’s your new job coming along?” “Who won the game of golf you said you had last time we talked?” Recall something from a past conversation or your current conversation.
Phew! I hope you enjoyed this whopper of a list. Never again can you excuse yourself from approaching people.
If these conversation starters fail to elicit much information from the person to get the conversation going, answer your own question and talk about yourself. The “rapid big talk model” I developed states that self-disclosure regulates the speed and degree two persons know each other. If you want someone to answer in-depth the question, “What hobbies are taking up your time?” describe your hobby for a few minutes and they’ll be socially compelled to give more than a one-word answer.
@godfather,,, the thong??? Lol,,
No seriously,, I have trouble coming up with something on the spot. ESPECIALLY if the girl is really attractive.
All of these sound obvious to me now,, (ok,, except the floss, lol).
I really need to work harder on inner game issues. I'm sure the creative block I get when looking for an opener is mostly due to nervousness.
@davidwygant,,, ban problems???
I have seen lots of third party banning software that is compatible with Wordpress. User bans, blanket ip bans (although that may ban more people than you intend.),, lots of other options.
One is called "Ban hammer". I've heard it works pretty good.
The conversation tips are good and all but how do you break through the confidence and physically approach them? Also I see girls checking me out a lot. I know I'm fairly attractive to women but it doesn't seem to help with my confidence.
It was surreal. We were at the local ribfest and we had tons of meat stuck in our teeth. It was gross.
So we were talking about how we could use some floss and then this hot volunteer (who was wearing a red thong)for World Vision came over and talked to us. We mentioned our need for floss and my friend was like "your red thong would work." She said, yeah it probably would, I live a few streets over. Let's go find out.
He looked at me because he didn't want to abandon me, as the bro code dictates, but I told him to go have fun.
It was crazy. The ribs were tasty too.
@interndan,, are you serious? Did that really happen? I think I would get popped right in the face, and probably asked, nicely, to leave, if I made a comment like that.
I like the "Who's your favorite Star Wars character?" line! I would totally respond to that. And I'd probably say Admiral Ackbar, because I like his funny voice. Off topic: Han Solo was my first crush. I totally thought Harrison Ford was sexy what I was 8 years old. Then I saw Indiana Jones. Eek! I love me a big man with a great lower lip, stubble and a cheeky grin! Rawr!
@Shogo: Oh, you! Heehee. Find me an ocean and we'll go! You'll have to bring the waterproof sunscreen.
@godfather,,, I was just reading through the list of 101 openers,, and I came across a big chunk of them about commenting on the weather.
I have been told, ( I forget WHERE, but I know I've been told) to never open with anything relating to the weather. Too common, too mundane, and shows no originality.
Guys,, if you were going to open someone you were attracted to, would you open with, "nice weather today", "it's soon hot out!" or "it's really coming down out there! "
Thoughts?
@godfather,, that is from Joshua Ubergang's big talk training course website, Tower of Power.,, 101 conversation starters people people will love.
I like the list,, and really appreciate you posting it,, but,,
Isn't that copyrighted material??
(don't take this wrong,,, I just don't want to see anyone get into trouble, especially David or the coaches.)
@Shogo: Oh Shogo, you classy guy! My poor mountain-y boyfriend will have to go hiking by himself for a day, because I could never pass up snorkeling at the Y. And an indoor pool - my, how classy! It will be nice and warm and everything. My toenails are grey right now.. it shouldn't be too hard to find a matching snorkel, and if not, don't you worry your pretty head. Grey goes with everything!
john who cares about being nosy, would you be annoyed if a good looking girl walked up to you and ask you what you were working on? chances are no, so why does it have to be any different with women? life is not a Hollywood movie where every interaction with people is perfectly scripted and everything goes smoothly with perfect openers, perfect timing, jokes and shit. stop taking it so seriously no one is perfect if she only respond to sleek smooth clever openers then fuck her she's probably crazy as shit. openers are not going to get you laid, a blow job, a new girlfriend or anything. openers are just meant to start a conversation that is it... "hey" by the way is the best opener you will ever need to know or use
It because we are constantly comparing ourselves to people who we think have it better than we do. Some people can just never accept who they are until they think they are better than other people.
@Shogo: Let me know how that goes with the Star Wars line. I like how you have a disclaimer. I remember David Wygant mentioned before about opening up women with: "If you were able to be a super hero, who would you be and why?"
The one disclaimer I find with many dating gurus on their websites is this: "The advice given should not be considered as professional advice and is for entertainment purposes only."
@John: I found it on a website just by searching in google "easy conversation starters." It wasn't taken from any product you had to purchase first so I didn't think copying and pasting it on here would violate any copyright laws. Maybe Shogo can fill me in on this one knowing he comes from a law background because I don't really know if I actually violated anything or not.
I watched the video and am thankful for what i have i am not a raving beauty and do realize not every guy is attracted to me. but i am friendly with people. i just wonder if that was a tumor that guy had on his face or was he born deformed like that...ummm
@godfather,, ok,, I saw the website where it came from. It had a copyright on the main page. I just don't want to see anyone get sued or anything. That's all.
Ok, this just happened,,
I went out to my car because I left something out there,, and there was a note stuck on my door, in an envelope,,
It says,, (I'm not making this up,, lol.)
Hey cute neighbor,
My name is Barbara, I am the chick next door. I know you have to see me checkin you out all the time. Lol.
I do not mean to be a creep but I just had to introduce myself.
So forgive me if I'm out of line but I think you are very cute and I had to say hello!!!
Sincerely,
Barbara Jean.
Ok,, first off,, I don't think I know a single Barbara under 50. The note is dated,, (who dates a personal note?), and I don't know any Barbara. I live in an apartment complex,, and I have a lot of apartments that are "next door." This happened to me once at a different apartment building, and the girl that left me the note was HUGE!!. Lol.
Has this happened to anyone? I really have no idea what to do, lol.
(I don't want to sound negative or anything,, but I think the camaro brings it out in them. )
Ok,, I'll try. I'll have to find it again. If you google search,, "101 conversation starters people will love" it will come up. The website is tower of power.
Lol,, I can't go for it,,
There's no apartment number! I have no idea who put this on my door!
Lol. Something has to be up, right? Women with options don't do this kind of stuff. Right?
John
I once liked this guy who lived next door to me and for some reason we just never were home at the same time,
So one day, i was drunk and left a note under his door. We went out the next night and ended up having amazing sex.
We hung for 3 more months and it just fizzled out. Anyway you have nothing to lose and if she did this to meet you she is ready for you.
Your in for a great night of sex.
And John.
You would be amazed at the amount of women who are hot and dateless.
I am one of them right now and sometimes we need to take control.
Most men have no idea how to approach and intrigue me.
@Susie, seriously, is it really that hard for people to be intriguing or even interesting? I had dinner tonight with a girl I'd been texting after I got her number at a bar last week. I think I would have had a less dull evening if I talked all night to a brick wall.
@John, I say write her a note back thanking her for introducing herself and inviting her to knock on your door the next time she sees you home. Then put it on your door with her name on the outside so she can't miss it as she goes by.
If she's real and cute, invite her in and have sex with her. If she's real and not very cute, tell her it's great to meet her, but you just don't think it will work out. Finally, if on the off chance she's just a guy playing a joke on you, requiring her to knock on your door forces his hand.
Okay John. Here is what I recommend you do. If she really is a chick and really is somebody who is next door to you, go and knock on every single door on the floor of your apartment and ask if Barbara Jean lives there. If no luck, go to your apartment main office and ask if any person by the name of Barbara Jean lives in this apartment. You have to try to find her at least. Give it a try and let me know what happens.
John, I have lived a LONG time, and never heard of anything like this from a girl, who was, anything you would be interested in getting to know. Pretty, sought after girls, simply don't post notes like this. I would be highly suspicious, and forget about it, if I were you.
Hahaha,, I don't see me doing that. I think i'll just ask people I run into as they come in and out if anyone knows who Barbara jean is.
I think I have an idea of who it MIGHT be,, because I have seen someone watching me out the window when I was going to the car. ( not tonight,, other times.),, if that is her,, well, to be nice,, NOT my type.
But I don't know for sure if it's her. So...
@bob,, now see ,, you and ME think alike.
Like I said,, I don't think a girl with options would do this. And I'm sure she's not drunk,, ok, maybe not, it is a Thursday.
(sorry Susie.)
@John, you never know where it's going to go until you give it a shot. There's a good chance you won't like her, but so what? You get a better story out of the deal if you figure out who she is.
@collin,, see,, now I am really worried. If this is a chick I tell that it just isn't going to work out,, those are the kinda chicks that will mess your car up, and stuff, for revenge.
It's funny and all,, but I think this is a BAD situation. I think I'm better off just ignoring it. If she really is that shy that she couldn't just say hi when I walk by,, then surely she won't say anything to me after this. She will hopefully just assume that I don't know who she is.
Right?
Okay John. Here's another idea. If you are worried that you might not be attracted to her, leave this note on your front door and leave it there for a week saying something like this: "Hey Barbara. I received your note and I appreciate that you are interested in me. I would like to meet you in person and I am planning to be at (name of coffee shop or place to have a drink close by your apartment) on (day you plan to be there) at (time you are going to be there). I hope to see you there. If you can't make it, send me a note on this door and tell me when you can make it and I will meet you then."
In this way, you would know if you want to see her again after having a drink with her.
@collin,, right,, if she didn't know where I live, then there would be nothing to lose. But she does,, and I have a $40,000 car outside, that I can't watch 24/7.
You never know what crazy chicks are gonna do.
Thanks, David... I stopped visiting because things had gotten a bit, er, out of control. We all have our own insecurities, but thinking "no one will ever date me" is not going to help anyone's situation! It's not easy to just "snap out of" that type of thinking. It takes a lot of hard work, but it is well worth it!
@chris,, that's what I'm thinking. Something is just not right with this,,
1 st off,, I'm not that cute. (I'm still betting the car brought this on. Muscle cars have a strange effect on women. I found lipstick on my windshield once coming out of a mall. Yes,, someone actually kissed the camaro. :)
2 nd,, any woman resorting to leaving a note on a guy's door can't possibly be attractive. IMO.
3 rd. no number? What's up with that?
David, please read my email, very important.(you could delete this comment if you want, this is the only way I can contact you because I believe you have blocked me from emailing you, the email I sent is very positive, I did something positive and I want the others to know)
Well, I have some questions to ask regarding today post:
How can you build confidence, self esteem or anything powerful from someone else’s sorrow?
Is it the true mindset you would like to start your day with? , for me, after reading today topic, the last thing on my mind was feeling good about myself, all I felt was compassion and sadness, and I was horrified by some guy’s post who sounded like : “Thanks Dave, this is exactly what I needed to hear today”
And yeah, surely you will be more successful with girl when you realize that you’re not some kind of an unlucky freak of nature right?
Well, it’s wrong my friends…
@John, so what if she isn't attractive? Just do it in the dark! Unless it's that knife wielding maniac with the smelly pussy! I'd probably draw a line there.
@John
You know when you're in a conversation with someone and a new topic comes up? Try opening from that frame of mind. Pretend you're already completely comfortable with the person you want talk to and you're just bringing up a new topic.
I'm suggesting this because my guess is you appear uncomfortable when you open. My guess is based purely on your account of the barista looking at you like you were crazy when you asked how her shift was going - never in my life has an employee somewhere looked at me funny for asking them how their day is going. That only happens when I open and I'm super uncomfortable or nervous.
I saw two lines in the comments, one asking something about snorkeling and one about a Star Wars character. These are both great examples of random things that might come up in conversation. When you say them, pretend she just finished speaking and now you're bringing up a new topic.
"So, (gets her attention, if you just blurt out HEYHAVEYOUEVERBEENSNORKELING? she'll probably say "ummm, no...") when's the last time you went snorkeling?"
The key is that she recognizes you're being playful. If you deliver it seriously it won't work.
Here are some I've used in the last couple days:
(To a girl using a cafeteria microwave): man... 3 minutes? you're killing me, i've been craving these pop tarts all day..
(To the receptionists where I get my hair cut. I'm 23 and look retarded with my huge mustache [Movember]): sup.. you guys like mustaches? Cuz I got a mustache. Right here. (point at mustache)
(To a girl at school with a giant purse): jesus... how do you carry that around all day?
her (heavy accent): uhh, sorry?
me: (laughing a bit) guess english isnt your first language eh... where are you from?
Just wanted to share my video blog here today. I had a moment this morning that really set the message of this blog in stone for me, and I want to share it with all of you:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mb95gZLYPJU
Hello guys I'm a really shy guy but once some one takes the time to get to know me my true personality comes out xD
Also David I like your website and your blog.
A friend of mine let me borrow his Mastery Series and I think is amazing.
everything in this blog is amazing I hope I can learn much from you guys and also put my dot of sad in it too.
Have a nice weekend all of YOU
@Shogo(Coach)
I read your storie in StarBucs and if its like is written excelent.That takes guts to do it.She didn't look like she is interested but after a while got interested.Sincerely I wouldn't say that cause I always try to find something magical.Here's question for you
Really you can say EVERYTHING and ain't sound creepy?I mean EVERYTHING except something vulgary?
I got other day recipe from my cousin about girls.
He is older than me and he said to me go talk to those older girls don't just stay here like useless,and I said what would I talk about with that much older girls than me,and he said to me WHO CARES?and I thought yeah could be really simple like that if you think like that.
Here's an exercise you can do in any decent sized city... Take a ride on public transport; look around at the other people; try to find one that you'd REALLY want to trade places with.
99% of you will quickly realize that you don't have it so bad.
1% of you may REALLY want to trade places with some stranger on a bus; you think they don't have problems like you do; you should talk to a counselor. This is a coaching website. Coaches are for people are operating at or above a "normal" level. For people who are struggling to get there, they need a counselor now, and a coach later.
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