Let’s talk about something today. It’s called a backup. Do you guys have a backup? Actually, what I’m talking about is not really a plan, it’s a person. Do you have a backup girl or a backup guy?

You know, when you’re dating someone and all of a sudden the shit hits the fan, suddenly you’re alone. The person you were really jazzed about blows you off, the relationship is over and done with, and you’re back to the starting line again.

Hmm, for a lot of you guys, the starting line means you’ve got to do it all over again. That means you’ve got to go back to the days of jerking off, the days of going into the Walgreen’s looking all dejected as you reach for that KY Jelly. Isn’t it amazing how when you’re in a relationship you strut into Walgreen’s and you look at the guy and go, “I’ll take the KY Jelly,” and you say it in this booming American Idol voice. But yet when you’re home alone whacking it constantly, you crawl into Walgreen’s with your shoulders rolled forward, thinking to yourself, “God, I hope no one I know sees me buying the KY because they know I’m just jerking it every single night…”

The reason why you’re jerking it (or if you’re a woman you’re riding Bob, your Battery Operated Boyfriend) so much is because you got rid of your backup person. You burned your bridges. Backup person is that cool person that you can be with sexually, but you both know you’ll never get involved in a relationship because you just aren’t relationship material for each other. But damn, they are good in bed and they’re a lot of fun! It’s easy and it’s great, and you both have a good time, and you know exactly how to get each other off.

Bob The Vibrator Lover

So when you start dating someone you really like, never tell another person you’re seeing that they can go to hell because now you’ve found somebody you want to be with. Because you never can predict the future. Say, “Hey Backup person, I’ve started seeing someone who I really enjoy right now, someone I can actually see myself being in a relationship with. I’m going to give it a shot with them, but let’s not completely forget about each other, let’s stay cool with each other because you never know what could happen.”

When I was single, I always had that backup person just in case. Of course we were completely open with each other about where we stood and I never had her hoping it was anything more than it was. And you know what, I was also somebody else’s backup person. I had no problem being used and abused in that way, because it was far better than walking with that dejected look into Walgreen’s to go get a bottle of KY, or when you’re in a hotel you get all pissed off because there’s no hair conditioner or lotion sample for you to use so you can jerk off in a hotel bed.

Bottom line is: backup girl and backup boy. They’re fun. They’re available. And they’re always free and ready until they’re in a relationship of their own. So today I’d like you to share your backup stories. No, I don’t want to know about your jerk-off sessions alone in the Holiday Inn on Route 46 when you went to that convention in New Jersey a few years ago.

I want to know about backup boy and backup girl today.