Everybody says that their dog is really smart. I’ve got to tell you something about my dog.

I think my dog is smart — as far as dogs go. Really, though, I don’t think she’s smart about a lot of things.

For example, as human beings when we have an urge to go to the bathroom, what do we do? We find the closest bathroom we can possibly find.

We don’t care if it is at a McDonald’s, at the market or at a friend’s house. When we have to go to the bathroom, we don’t want to hold it in. We just want to go. We want to let it out. We want to feel better.

Dogs, on the other hand, and especially my dog Daphne, don’t seem to get this concept. I always thought my dog was pretty smart, except when I watch her when I take her out to go to the bathroom. Then I realize she’s really not that smart.

She spends a lot of time sniffing. She’ll sniff, do a circle and nothing will come out. Then she’ll sniff again, do a circle and kind of fake it — and still nothing comes out. She’ll repeat that a few times.

If she doesn’t find the exact spot she’s looking for to soil the ground, then she’ll hold it in for another five or six hours. I know if I need to go to the bathroom, I don’t care for what spot I may have been looking. Also, if I have to hold it for an additional five or six hours, I’m going to physically burst.

So the next time someone tells you how smart their dog is, ask them if their dog can go to the bathroom on command. Then you’ll know if they’re telling the truth or not.