Here’s something I’ve never, ever written about.

I’ve written probably close to 30,000 blogs and articles on the Internet over the last 16 years.

Sometimes, I think to myself, gosh, am I saying the same thing over again but with just a different twist?

Sometimes, I think I’ve written things so many times that I can’t possibly have anything else left. But yet, every single day, I seem to be able to write three articles every single day. Where does it come from? Who knows. I just have a deeply creative mind.

And today, this deeply creative mind was thinking…

King or queen bed?

I’ve always been a queen bed kind of guy.

Now, I did have a king bed. I put two mattresses together when I was in high school, and I used to fall in the middle of the crack and sometimes wake up, and the mattresses would be spread apart, and I’d be sleeping on the floor.

But I’ve always been a queen bed guy.

Now, I’m 6’2″, about 178 pounds.

And the queen bed is fine for me. I don’t need to sleep in every different direction. I’m not a tosser or turner. I go from one side the next, which actually is just plenty of territory in my queen bed.

I do like going to a hotel, though, and having all that room on that gigantic king bed. But I always seem to find that, when I’m in a hotel, that part of the bed where you’re sinking in because somebody a lot heavier than you was sleeping there or years of wear and tear or other people having sex in the same spot. There always seems to be a downward slide in hotel beds. One side is always higher than the other side. It seems like people either sleep to the right side of the king bed or the left side of the king bed.

But, for me, the queen bed is the intimacy bed.

It’s the bed where you can snuggle and cuddle and touch feet during the middle of the night. Now, I’m definitely somebody who loves to snuggle and cuddle, but when it’s time to go to bed, I need to have my space, but I still want that person close by. You see, I don’t want to be in a king bed where I have my space, and they’re on the other side of the island.

It’s literally like I’m sleeping in California and they’re sleeping in New York, and in between, we have all the red states.

I would prefer to sleep in my blue state with my woman.

It’s more warm and cozy, and the fact of the matter is, it just suits my lifestyle better. I want her to know that she’s close by, always a hand away, where I can just go and reach out and touch her.

I’m a firm believer of the old AT&T commercials, “reach out and touch someone.” When I’m sleeping with somebody in a king bed, I feel like it’s kind of the old Verizon and Sprint commercials. “Can you hear me now?”

They’re so far away.

I just want to be close. So, to me, a queen bed is perfect.

I was once in a relationship with somebody. She needed the king bed. Literally, when we were done snuggling for those five complimentary — end of the night, I’m just going to snuggle you for five minutes — she literally would go all the way to the other side of the bed.

There were times I brought walkie-talkies into bed because I figured it would be easier to get her on a walkie-talkie than it would to actually go and connect with her because she was so far. Don’t forget, she was in New York. I was in California.

I love my queen beds. I love the fact that I can snuggle, be close to somebody, talk to them, plus the fact I am a Jew.

Sheets are cheaper.

The mattress is cheaper.

Let’s face it. Bed frames are cheaper.

Let’s face the fact that blankets are cheaper.

I don’t need to pay a premium price for something I don’t really want. To me, I want intimacy in my life. I don’t want higher credit card bills.

I prefer to have my woman next to me instead of being too far away from me in bed.

So, when I go to the store, I proudly buy my queen-size sheets.

A lot of the times, the sales girl will look at me and go, you’re a big guy. You should have a California king.

And I think to myself I don’t want to be a California. I just want to be a goddamn king in my woman’s eyes.

To me, a California king is a man who eats too much kale, goes to a yoga class, talks too much about what he’s going to be, and actually, in reality, never, ever becomes what he thinks he is. That, to me, is a California king.

Don’t get me started on California queens. They’re running around West Hollywood, having a good old time.

To me, give me my queen bed.

Now, the big question of the day is, after I ranted and raged, you’re thinking to yourself “there’s no damn life advice or dating advice in here today, damn it, goddamn.” Yes, there is, because on a first date, you can find out a lot about somebody by asking what type of bed they want to sleep in. And if you meet somebody who wants to sleep in a twin bed, they may still be having a pacifier and sucking on their mom’s breast. So beware of people in their twin beds. They may still be sleeping on their Spiderman sheets.

And have a Star Wars pillow and have a mural that’s hanging out from them.

Find out what type of bed they’re in, and you’ll find out what type of intimacy you’re in for.