Real vs. Fake
By David Wygant

The other day I was on an airplane coming back from Memphis, and there was a woman sitting in front of me who had breasts the size of the Rocky Mountains. These breasts were so perky that when the stewardess delivered the drinks, that woman was able to hold both her and her neighbor’s drinks between her cleavage. When this woman got up to go to the bathroom, those perky breasts even pointed her in the right direction.

This is a topic we’ve never covered, but I have always wondered exactly what women are thinking when they get these mountains glued onto their body. I’ve heard all sorts of reasons from women as to why did it.

Some say their breasts fell like a pair of socks. Some say their breasts were ruined from childbirth. Others just had the incredible urge to be able to lay down flat on their back and have their breasts be able to touch the ceiling.

Some women want to get fake breasts so they can attract more men. Here’s the most ironic thing, though, about fake breasts: Most men that I know really don’t like them.

Fake breasts are weird. During certain parts of sex, the silicone or the saline will move. Then it’s like this hard mound coming towards you where you’ll see part real breast . . . and part Magic 8 Ball. At that point as you’re looking at it, you really don’t know what is happening with that breast.

Some fake breasts are so hard, that during sex you want to hold onto them for protection. I don’t want to have to hold onto two grapefruits for dear life.

Personally I get a little nervous when the woman on top of me is moving . . . but her softball-looking breasts have no bounce. I kind of like a woman’s boobs flopping around when she’s on top.

I used to always make a joke about how in about twenty years the first group of women who had breast implants will be living in Florida in a retirement community hanging out by the pool. Two old men named Irving and Harold are also sitting by the pool. Irving turns to Harold and says: “I met this hot woman the other day. She was about 75 . . . but damn she had the breasts of a twenty year old!”

I have never been a fan of big, fake knockers. I’ve always liked real breasts. I like the way they feel. I like to be able to hug a woman and not have her breasts digging into my ribs keeping us separated.

I like a woman whose nipples are responsive. Some women who have fake knockers have lost all sensation in their nipples, due to the globular silicone or saline mass between their nipples and their real boobs.

You know what, though? If it makes a woman happy to get breasts the size of the Hollywood Hills, who am I to judge? How do all of you feel about fake boobies?

Todays video will show you how to pick up those ripe melons at the grocery store:)