Written for Match.com

Interpreting Women – What is She Really Saying?

What is up with women? When they say something, should we take them literally? Ever since there have been men and women, men have been trying to answer these questions. Relax! I am here to give you the key to interpreting women.

When interacting with women, and especially when meeting a woman for the first time, most men are not aware of the language that takes place on a deeper level.

Don’t worry, you are not alone. For years, I also just listened and responded to women – and ultimately complied with them – without considering their deeper level of communication. Of course, when I did this, I wasn’t very successful with women.

If you want to be successful with women, you need to tune into what they are really saying. This is a simple skill to master, and when you do, you will be amazed at the ways you naturally start to interact differently with women. More important, you will be amazed at the way women start reacting to you!

Let me illustrate how this works with an all-too-common scenario. I met this attractive woman in the lounge of a fancy restaurant during the dinner hour on a Friday night. I decided that I would like to get to know her better. After a short, playful interaction (three or four minutes), which included talking her into singing “Happy Birthday” to me even though she knew it wasn’t my birthday, I asked her for her phone number.

At this crucial juncture, most people make the mistake of thinking that since the interaction went well they can easily get her number. She responded to my request by saying, “Why don’t you give me your number?”

Does this sound familiar? We have all been there before. This is where most guys interpret what she says literally, instead of seizing it as an opportunity to interact and truly demonstrate your value. Interpreting her literally and responding with your number puts you in a place in her mind where you quickly blend with every other Tom, Dick and Harry who complied with her simple request. If you make the mistake of responding with your number, in her mind she’s already dismissed you because she’s instantly visualized having a boring and predictable relationship with you.

Here’s what to do

Luckily, there’s an easy way to turn this situation around. When she asked for my phone number, I immediately responded using a tone of conviction: “No. I just met you and you think I am going to give you my number? What kind of guy do you think I am?” The look of happy amazement on her face showed me everything I needed to know, so I continued by saying, “Don’t assume I am like all the other guys. You may be cute, but you had better be a good person if you hope to get to know me better,” and then I shot her a playful smile.

I could tell that I had broken though her wall by her smile. I told her I had to leave and let her know that I enjoyed meeting her. Once she could see that I was going to leave without trying to get anything from her, she volunteered her number. So, I gave her mine as well, and in less than an hour after I left I received this text message: “Happy B-day David!!! Let me buy U a b-day drink. We are now at Houston’s.”

So, what did I do? I headed to Houston’s for my “birthday drink” and instant connection.

How to keep your power

You can make this scenario work for you by remembering a few key points. By not offering her phone number and instead asking for mine, she was giving me an indirect “no.” It will usually be indirect because most women are polite and subtle when they reject us, but it doesn’t mean that she isn’t attracted and interested. On a deeper level, it just means that she needed help deciding what kind of man I am. She formed her opinion based on how I reacted.

My reaction showed her that I wasn’t willing to give her my power despite the fact that she was the best-looking woman in the place. Most of you know that giving your number in this situation is likely a blow-off. Giving your number here equals giving away your power. Always keep your power.

When I responded “no” to her request in a tone of conviction, it was something that she was not used to hearing. I communicated that I am not like other men. It let her know that I am worth getting to know, and I am wise to her game of trying to get my number and blow me off. Saying “no” showed confidence and made her feel an increased level of attraction towards me.

Next time you find yourself in this situation, look beneath the surface for what a woman is really saying. When she challenges you, make sure you keep your power by giving her what she subconsciously craves … a man who will challenge her back. You will feel better about yourself, and she will feel more attracted to you.