It’s Monday, and the start of my birthday week. Do you have birthday weeks, or just 24 hours of fun? I decided that I am going to milk the birthday thing all week . . . so start sending those presents!

For today’s blog, however, let’s talk about something you never want to celebrate…

For some reason or other, some of you miss the q&a blogs. I personally did not miss them . . . until this email arrived. When I saw it, I absolutely could not resist addressing it.

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EMAIL FROM A FEMALE READER
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Dear David,

I’m so hot for this guy. He did everything right. The first few dates were amazing, it was almost like he read a manual to my heart — that is until the 5th date.

We were making out in the car. I was so full of desire for him, and I knew this was the night I was going to sleep with him. So I told him I wanted to see his house. But when I saw his house, I couldn’t wait to leave!

Not to sound crude, but I went from being wet to being as dry as The Sahara so fast that the weatherman thought a cold front had moved in. His living room was beyond description. I ignored it — I figured he just had bad taste in furniture.

When I got to his bedroom, I saw his bed was a mattress on the floor. The sheets and the comforter were in a ball. Candles with no candle holder were on the floor with wax melted on the carpet.

After seeing all that, I needed a minute so I went to the bathroom to freshen up. When I got there, the first thing I saw around the rim of the toilet bowl was what appeared to be a year’s worth of pubes. At that point, the idea of sex was done! I told him I had a headache (which I did), and asked him to take me home.

I want to see him again, but I don’t know what to say. David – HELP!

Pubeless In Seattle

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MY ANSWER TO MY FEMALE READER
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Dear Pubeless,

This is probably the funniest email I’ve ever read. Pubeless In Seattle, you just couldn’t be any funnier!

With your sense of humor, you’ve just got to tell him, “Listen, Dude, I like you but you are an animal.” You can flat out tell him the truth and, if you do it with the sense of humor you used with me, he might crack up and get a maid. You might see a whole different apartment the next time you go there.

I wouldn’t insult him about his outdated furniture until you’re in a relationship with him. Then you can shop til your heart’s desire.

David

Let’s go even deeper into this. What’s wrong with animals (and I’m not talking about cats and dogs)?

I remember the first night a woman I was casually dating about a year and a half ago invited me to her apartment. The place was crawling with cats. Her bathroom was repulsive. The shower was so dirty that you could see footprints on the floor. All I could think about was which disease I would catch if I slept with her.

To me, someone whose house is disgusting makes me feel that their personal hygiene is also disgusting. I immediately think about bad breath.

I just don’t get it. You work so hard to build up chemistry with someone and to meet someone really fantastic, and then you ruin it by bring her back to your zoo. I’ve seen some litter boxes that are cleaner than some people’s houses.

I can’t put up with this. It’s an immediate turn-off to any man or woman to go to someone’s house and have it look like the person doesn’t even own a sponge or a brush (and I’m not talking about a hairbrush or a toothbrush, but a toilet brush). It’s just gross.

So what I suggest before you start dating, is to take a course on how to keep your house clean. I also suggest that if you are going to invite someone over to your house to get romantic (or really for any reason), that you be sure the house is clean.

Make sure the bathroom and the sheets are clean. No one should have to sleep on sheets you drooled on the night before or that have surprise stains on them from a masturbation session you had the night before. Candles should be new. There should be no dishes in the sink.

The place should be clean and inviting. You should have an extra toothbrush for someone — a new one, not a used one.

Show that you’ve actually had guests before in your place. Act like this isn’t the first person who has ever been to your place.

To help you out, here is a list of ten things that you should ALWAYS do before you invite someone over for a little romance:

1.Clean your toilet
2.Clean your sink
3.Wash your dishes (and have no dishes in the sink)
4.Have toilet paper (not old socks piled up by the toilet paper roll)
5.Candles should be new
6.Dust should be less than a quarter inch thick
7.Have an extra new toothbrush
8.Have soap with no pubic hairs on it
9.Have clean sheets on your bed
10.Have a clean towel in the bathroom

Oh, and one more note to my reader Pubeless…

Pubeless, thanks for your great email! I really never thought we’d have to do this type of blog, but I’m sure your pube collector is not alone. I’m sure there are other members of the pube tribe.