I woke up this morning and realized that I’m 70. Ever since I went to Hawaii last year, I’ve just had something wrong with my lower back . . . which is really in my glutes.

So I guess, really, it’s not a bad back but rather a bad ass. So what I’ve really got is an “ass on” (yes, that’s a new term). My ass is so tight that I have trouble getting out of bed.

I’ve gone to every healer imaginable, yet my gluteus maximus doesn’t want to release. Has anyone had this problem?

There are muscles in my butt that are so tight that it makes me feel like C-3PO. What could it be? Could it be from my bed?

I’ve helped you guys for years, so if you care about my tushee then please help me! Help me help you help me . . . please.

Now, on to today’s topic which has nothing to do with being an ass it actually has to do with chasing an ass.

Are you dating a party girl?

Are you dating the girl that, immediately after a night out drinking with her friends, posts 40 pictures of the night on her Facebook? Do the pictures include her drinking, her almost making out with a friend, her wearing some hot and skimpy outfit?

Is this the type of woman you’re dating? Does she always seem to be at the hottest parties in the hottest cities? Does she spend Spring Break in Miami and the 4th of July in the Hamptons?

She is always at these parties. In every photo you see of her, she’s wearing some hot little cocktail dress, smiling sexily at the camera…

Here’s the problem: your party girl is in her thirties.

There’s a time in life where partying is cool. There’s a time when it’s good to be seen at the right places.

But there comes a point in time where it’s time to stop the partying lifestyle and start acting like an adult.

There was a funny skit I watched on Saturday Night Live a couple of weeks ago called “The Cougars.” In that skit, the cougars were always out trying to party at the hottest places.

You just don’t look good when you’re the oldest one standing around at this hot film festival party. You’re 39 or 40, and you’re partying it up with a bunch of people in their twenties.

Look at yourself for a second. What doesn’t fit in that picture?

I’ve dated the party girl. And I have to tell you; it gets old pretty quickly.

Those party girls are always wondering why they can’t find a good guy. It’s because no guy wants to marry the party girl. It’s just like how women will not marry the player. Women won’t settle down with the player because they don’t trust him. It’s the same exact thing: no man wants to marry the party girl.

So if you are a party girl (or you know one) and you wonder why you’re not getting anywhere in your dating life, it’s because no man could picture you as the mother of his children.

Can you imagine: as the baby is sucking down his bottle, his party girl mother is sucking down Absolut shots.

If you’re over the age of 30, you’re single, and still partying – you’re not attracting anyone. In fact, you’re turning them off.

The same thing goes for guys who are players: you’re not turning women on; you’re actually pushing them away. Realize that the reason you’re not meeting anyone is the result of your own actions!