So this morning I didn’t know what I was going to write in today’s blog, until I was driving down Pacific and saw something I could not believe. I look up and there was an ambulance driving near me with it’s lights on and the siren blaring. The thing was, it was only driving about 15 mph and both guys were sitting in the front seat drinking Starbucks.

Now really, there can’t possibly be someone in the back of that ambulance when it’s only traveling 15 mph and when the two guys in the ambulance are sitting up front enjoying their morning latte. I just sometimes think ambulance drivers are like little children, and think it’s fun to play and put the sirens on as they’re driving around town.

I know if I was driving a police car, I’d put the sirens on half the day just to screw with people. I’d enjoy making people sweat. I’d turn the siren on if I saw someone jaywalking. I’d turn the siren on if I didn’t feel like using a public restroom and wanted to get home faster. I’d especially turn the siren on if traffic was too busy and I wanted people to get out of the way.

So on to today’s topic which is all about some of the parallels I realized exist between the way people drive and the way they date. Here’s how this concept came into my head.

The other day I was driving. This is the second time I’m talking about driving recently in a blog. Gee, I wonder if I live in Los Angeles or not. . .

So the other day as I was driving, I kept wondering what is wrong with people. Really, how hard is it to make a left-hand turn? The problem in Los Angeles is that so many people need a full six car lengths between them and the car in front of them that they end up always blocking the left turn lane.

I think this is because LA people have a fear of each other in the first place, which extends to trying to stay away from each other in their cars too. What this always causes, however, is traffic jams.

Then when you honk at them, they look at you like you’re crazy. I wonder sometimes if after you’ve honked at someone, they go home and say “Honey, I got honked at six times today. There are so many assholes on the road!”

No, it’s really more that you are the asshole on the road if you’re getting honked at six times in a day. It’s not about them . . . it’s about YOU. Really, driving and dating have a lot of similarities.

In fact, I’ve found that a lot of people date the way they drive. I can even tell by the way someone drives exactly what kind of person they’ll be in a dating/relationship situation.

All of these “afraid of getting closer than six car lengths to the person in front of me people,” they are afraid of intimacy. They’re also not going to be great in bed. Let’s put it out there.

Are you one of those people who is just terrified of intimacy, so that when someone tries to get close to you never let them near because you’re always worried that you’ll be cheated on or betrayed? If so, then you probably drive like one of these people who separate themselves from everyone and the left turn lane.

What about the people who don’t ever use their blinker? In Los Angeles, I think using the blinker is optional because no one ever seems to use their turn signal.
Los Angeles is supposedly the flakiest town in the world, so really people who don’t use their blinker probably don’t like to commit to a decision.

If you’re out on a first date with someone and you notice them not using their blinker, then beware because they are going to be flaky and never know which way they want to go (left, right or straight). They won’t know if they want to go out with you again.

You go out on a date with a person who uses their blinker, though, and when that person asks you out again they are determined to go out with you. Blinker users are people of action and always know which way they want to go (left, right or straight).

What about people who are always laying on their horn and being impatient? I’m talking about those people who constantly lay on the horn, screaming and yelling at people. Now, granted, I will use my horn as it was intended: as the “wake the f^&% up device” for slow driver, but people who use their horn constantly are a different breed.

Think about what they are like in bed. No, I don’t mean that they’re extra horny. I mean they will be very impatient. They’re the person who would come right away during sex, then turn to you and ask if you came. If you say no, they will get angry and respond with something like “Why the f%&^ not?!”

If you’re dating someone who falls asleep all the time at a red light, then you also know a lot about the kind of person they’re going to be in a dating relationship. They are the person who constantly has to be prompted to go.

You’re going to have to remind them to do everything. You’re going to have to constantly ask them questions like “Did you remember to pick up your clothes at the dry cleaners?”

How about the annoying people who have to slow down to a ridiculous speed whenever they see a police car or an accident? You’re in a relationship with that person and as along as everything’s going great, then they will be great.

If there’s the slightest rock in the boat or if you try to move things along, then they’ll be the one to say things like “This is all going a little to fast for me.” I call this dating Gridlock Joe or Gridlock Annie.

What about people who are always stuck in the middle of a box of traffic and cars, and never seem to be able to take the initiative when they’re driving? That person is a ‘momma’s boy’ or a ‘daddy’s girl.’ Every time anything happens, they need to get everyone else’s opinion before taking action. They can’t ever listen to themselves.

Let’s talk about last-minute mergers. You know who they are . . . on the road and out on a date. You go out on a date with them and it’s a great date. Then you don’t hear from them for five days, and when you finally do hear from them they want you to meet them in five minutes (because they waited all week to decide whether to call you).

Then there’s the people who won’t make a right turn on red. These ones personally drive me crazy. They will be the ones when you’re out to dinner together will say they don’t care what the two of you order to split, but who will then make faces and eat it begrudgingly when the meal arrives.

How about the people who are on a road that is unlined, but clearly big enough for two lanes, and insist on driving smack dab down the middle of the road. They have no regard for anyone else.

These people are the cover-stealers and the middle of the night toilet flushers. I mean, really, let it simmer. The only reason to flush the toilet in the middle of the night is if you’ve done a deuce.

Those people in the middle of a two-lane road are the ultimate inconsiderate people. They won’t move over for anything, and they give you a dirty look if you try to urge them to move. They WILL be the cover-stealers in a relationship.

So be watchful whenever you’re driving with someone you’re newly dating, because the way that person drives will be inevitably no different than the way they date.