I was looking at my car the other day. Then I was driving and looking at the five cars driving near me, and I realized that I’ve owned each one of those cars in the last five years.

When I saw one of the cars I used to own, my first reaction was to think how cool that car is and to wonder why I had gotten rid of it. Then all of a sudden I realized that I really no longer care about what I drive.

I realized that driving in Los Angeles sucks no matter what car you’re driving. There are only a few things now that I care about having on any car I drive.

One thing that’s important to have is extra big bumpers, so I can push pedestrians through crosswalks a little faster. Power windows are also important to me, so I can easily put them up and down to let other drivers know exactly what I think of their driving skills. What’s really important, though, is an extra loud horn so I can wake up all the drivers who don’t ever seem to be paying attention.

I am waiting for someone to invent a car that can drive itself, so that I can text the entire time I’m in traffic. The fact is that driving and spending time in traffic are such a waste of time.

There are so many better things you can do in your car than just driving . . . like writing blogs. You know, people always wonder how I am able to write so many blogs and whether I actually write my own blogs.

No, there’s no secret newspaper from which I steal them. Of course I write them!

I write them when I’m in traffic, when I’m on the beach and even when I’m on the toilet. I write blogs whenever I have the urge to write one. I’ve even written blogs after sex. I have never written a blog during sex, because that would be too much like a Seinfeld episode (Remember George eating the sandwich in bed?)

i really find the best and most creative time for me to write blogs is when I’m angry. I hate driving in Los Angeles. I despise it to be honest, but for some reason or other it really makes my creative juices flow. In fact, I’ve found some of my best blog ideas come to me while I’m in traffic.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering how I do all this blog writing in traffic, especially since California passed a law where it’s illegal to type on your BlackBerry while you’re driving (Of course it is still legal to roll down your window and curse at people while you drive).

So how, then, am I doing all this blog writing in traffic? Are you wondering if I have my laptop with me as I drive around stealing wireless Internet signals? The answer to that is no. Do I use a dictation service? The answer to that is also no.

How I manage to write all these blogs in traffic is really my secret and yours to discover. In fact, the first person to guess correctly how I write blogs in traffic gets an hour of free phone coaching . . . while I’m in traffic. I don’t think anyone will figure it out, but go ahead and get the guesses started!