Humping Terminology
By David Wygant

You all really enjoyed the recent blog I posted on masturbation terminology if you have not seen it click here. I also know that once you stop your masturbation fascination and decide to go out and meet someone, that you’re going to want to know different ways to express sexual connotations.

Now, you could of course use the basic “I want to make love to you” which is really nice, but I always have issues with the term “making love.” Think about it. You meet somebody, you go out on two dates, and then you have sex. Aren’t you really “making like?” I mean, really, you can’t love someone you’ve gone out with two times.

At that stage, it’s purely lust. So why not say “I want to make lust to you so badly!” or “Do you want to come back to my place and ‘make like?’” It’s way too early at this point to tell someone you want to make love to them.

Personally I want to say to someone “I want to fuck you so badly it hurts.” There are some women out there, though, who don’t want to hear you say “I want to fuck you.” So what are some good terms to use when you want to have pure, unadulterated sex?

You can be cute and clever and ask her if she wants to play “hide the salami,” but once you think about that it really doesn’t seem quite so clever or cute. Picture a woman walking into a deli seeing the salamis hanging from the ceiling. This probably does not seen very sexually appealing to her.

I really hope your penis is not coated with dots like that salami . . . and if your penis smells like salami, no woman is really going to want to hide it inside her. The last thing a woman wants her vagina to smell like is a Jewish deli!

Then there’s the term “getting busy.” Just think about this one for a second. You’re on a date and you look at a woman and say “Do you want to go to my place and get busy?” There’s a few things this might trigger in her mind.

By saying this you might take her back to a totally stressful moment at work when she was super busy. Or, instead of her picturing moans of pleasure and groans of desire, she might instead hear the old busy signal on the phone. So “getting busy” is just not something I think is very appealing.

Now what about “doing the horizontal mambo?” I don’t know . . . to me when I hear “the horizontal mambo” I keep expecting to see a mariachi band joining me in the bedroom like those ones who join you at your table in a Mexican restaurant. So unless you want three Spanish men in sombreros in your bedroom, then I suggest that “the horizontal mambo” is not for you.

Let’s consider “makin’ whoopi.” The last time I saw Whoopi Goldberg, she was not exactly someone with whom I wanted to make it. Now granted, I find her very funny . . . but I do not want to make it with Whoopi.

Another thing about this, is that the phrase “makin’ whoopi” brings me back to when I used to have a whoopi cushion . . . and a rip-roaring, wet, nasty, fart is not what is going to keep my erection strong and powerful. So let’s not “make whoopi.”

Then there’s “the bump and grind.” Now this one I can almost picture – the old bump and grind. Sometimes, however, “the old bump and grind” reminds me of sitting in a taxi in Manhattan when you’re grinding your way through traffic bumping into other cars. So I am actually not sure how I feel about “the bump and grind” . . . actually, “the bump and grind” just doesn’t do it for me.

How about “doing the nasty?” When I think of nasty, I think of quite a number of things like cleaning the litter box. That is doing the nasty. Cleaning up dog crap with a little plastic bag every day is doing the nasty. Thus, “doing the nasty” just doesn’t cut it for me either.

Then there’s “getting your freak on.” For some reason or other when I close my eyes and think about “getting my freak on,” all I can picture is Rick James singing “Super Freak.” Once again, another turnoff . . . unless Rick James is doing Whoopi Goldberg. Now that would be interesting, considering he passed away a few years ago . . . which in turn reminds me of “doing the nasty” as I don’t like thinking of people having sex with dead people.

“Let’s do it” is another funny term. What are you going to do – get naked, put on a pair of Nikes and take a run? Oh wait, I think Nike’s saying is “Just Do It.” Really, though, “let’s do it” or “just do it” both still remind me of being naked running in a pair of Nikes . . . which is not something I suggest you ever do. Nothing can be more uncomfortable than your balls going one way while your steak goes another.

That’s another thing. Some men refer to their penis as “steak.” I don’t know about you guys, but my dick does not look like a petite filet mignon.

So you see, none of these terms work really well. So I think I am just going to start a new campaign so that when you have sex with someone you are “in like” with, you just tell them “I want to make like to you.” I’ll admit that phrase may not be super-sexy, but at least it’s honest.

If you’re really interested in learning what women think about sex, and you want to learn about how to please a woman every time, then I suggest you take a look at my “Girls Tell All Sex Secrets” audio program. Click here.