Technology Sucks
By David Wygant

It’s amazing all the things that have been created by technology. I still don’t understand how a song goes from a CD into my computer, or how I am able to email an entire audio program into thin air with no wires or anything. It makes no sense to me.

Yeah, I know it’s called code . . . but a bunch of numbers do this? So I send you a picture of Daphne, and a few seconds later that picture appears in your email? How did we break down into numbers?

Technology is unbelievable. My car talks to me. I can type on the computer using just my voice. I can even access the Internet by walking around the house with my phone.

With all these great advances, you’d think they would be able to invent a condom which would actually allow sex to feel as good as if you weren’t wearing one. I’ve tried them all . . . the lambskin, the microthin, the vibrating ring for her, the ribbed on the inside ones, and the ribbed on the outside ones.

Let me say that I’ve never felt any of those ribs, so I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. Why don’t they rib and vibrate these in my direction? I’m wearing the stupid thing . . . why don’t they rib it in my direction? I’ve tried the exotic condoms. None of them are any better feeling than the others.

I’ve even used cellophane as a condom. Look, I was 19 and there was nothing else available. So I took cellophane, wrapped it around myself, twisted the end, and had sex. What can I say? I was 19 . . . you improvise. At that age, you don’t pass up any opportunities because you feel unsure of whether you’ll ever have sex again.

I am a firm believer in condoms. They prevent STDs . . . and prevent little Davids from happening. I have nothing against kids. I think they’re great, as long as they’re not mine.

I’m the first one on the plane to put on a pair of noise-reducing headphones. I call them my “anti-baby device.” Let me say, though, that last year I actually held my friend’s baby three times! There are certain instances, like the one I’m about to describe, which always end up reminding me why I am not interested in having kids.

Two weeks ago, I was in a store with Daphne where there was a two year-old kid running around sniffing and hacking like kids tend to do. Her hands were full of drool. So what did she do? She walked right over to Daphne yelling “doggy!” and then took those oozing, dripping, drool-filled hands and rubbed them all over Daphne’s back.

So what did I do? I looked at the little girl’s father, and politely said “Can you do something about those gooey hands on my dog?” The father looked at me and smiled. I told him “You may love those gooey hands, but I don’t!” He laughed and we ended up chatting and laughing for another ten minutes about gooey hands.

Part of the reason why I am not into having kids, is because I don’t want Daphne to be sticky and wet all the time. Not only that, but kids are like petrie dishes in the winter . . . they incubate every germ imaginable. A friend of mine last winter got sick seven times thanks to his little germ infested incubator.

So I’m a huge fan of condoms. Bring on the birth control! Even though I am a huge fan of condoms, I would still like them to invent one that allows you to feel the woman . . . but still prevents my boys from swimming upstream, fermenting a seed, and causing a gooey-handed kid to pop out nine months later.

I am also, of course, all about not getting an STD. Having said that, “STD” is a very cool sounding term. Oh wait . . . that’s “STP.” Sorry.

Anyway, please consider this my open letter to the condom companies. This letter is on behalf of all of us who have had and will have a life of condom wearing. When you say “micro-thin,” mean it! Also, damn it, please make the ribs big enough for us to feel!!

One day they are going to come out with a great condom called “Sheer Nudity” that will allow you to actually be able to feel just how warm and amazing it is to be inside a woman. I lost my virginity when I was 18 years old. My joke was always that “It took me 18 years to get back into that warm, cozy place where it all started.”

I know I’m going to take shit about this blog, and I know I’m going to get a lot of questions about why I don’t want children. Diapers and all the things you need to schlep on an airplane is one reason. Another reason is that I’m really selfish and into my life. There are also other reasons I don’t want kids. We could analyze them all day. I had a mediocre relationship with my Dad. I had a loving Mother. Who knows.

I’m opening myself up to myriad questions and feedback. So bring it on . . . but if you see Daphne and I on the street and your child has mucus coming out of its nose, keep your child’s ooey gooey hands away from my dog’s back.