Get off The Phone By David Wygant

I was in Whole Foods today, which is no shock to anybody. I don’t think there is a day that goes by that I am not in Whole Foods. I talked to someone about setting up my own account there, but they just don’t seem to want to do it.

Anyway, through the power of eavesdropping (which I’m pretty good at), I listened to a conversation that’s amazing. Ahhh . . . how amazing you’re about to find out.

Let’s paint the scene . . . This may sound something like “Dragnet” to you.

It’s 12:00. The city is Los Angeles, California. I spot a woman with her Mr Spock looking bluetooth in her ear.

By the way, why the hell does someone want to wear a headset in their ear all the time? So you can answer the phone two seconds quicker? So you can walk around all day with a blinking light in your ear? So attractive.

Also, for those of you who walk around all day with a bluetooth in your ear but only spend about a half hour a day on the phone . . . lose it! Unless you’re a salesperson or a telephone operator, there is no reason to have an earpiece in your ear 24/7.

Do you need the earpiece in your ear during sex? How about when you shower? When you dress in the morning, do you put the earpiece on first? Do you buy earpieces in colors to match your jeans?

But this blog is not for the Mr Spock people. Let’s return to our scene at Whole Foods: It’s 1200 hours in the city of Los Angeles, California. A woman is seen on the telephone.

I, being the people investigator that I am, slowly move closer to her. Was it the smell of her perfume or was it the fact that she was blocking the tuna salad that I was about to order? As I got closer I noticed that she had some very nice buns . . . which made me realize that the tuna salad I was going to order on whole wheat seem very unappealing. I wanted my tuna salad on a big bun.

As I got closer, I also got to listen to her cell phone conversation. Meanwhile, standing only a few feet away, two other guys began moving toward her too. Competition over the cell phone obsessed blond hovering by the tuna salad? Bring it on!

So once I’m in her space and I get to listen to her one-sided cell phone conversation, guess what she was talking about? She was complaining about not being able to meet anybody.

I started laughing, looked at my fellow men hovering around the tuna salad, and said to them “Listen to what she’s talking about.” They all opened up their ears, and listened to her continually complain about not being able to find anyone to date . . . as three eligible studs stood right next to her.

So we all started talking (it was quite a male bonding experience), and we all waited for our cell phone obsessed bluetooth wearing maniac to get off the phone. When she finally got off the phone, I looked at her and said “You’re really funny. Don’t mind me or my new friends over here, but we got to listen to your whole conversation.”

She got all embarrassed and started laughing a little bit. I said to her “If you don’t mind, I would like to introduce you to two guys who would like to meet you. So forget about me (a little reverse psychology never hurts in this situation). What’s your name?” She said “Tina.”

I said “Tina, this is Mr. Chicken and this is Mr. Salad.” She started laughing. I said “Tina, I’m going to leave you in good hands. Maybe the next time if you get off the phone in public, you’ll realize that Mr. Chicken and Mr. Salad were vibing you.”’

Then I walked away. I felt like I did my job.

About three minutes later when I’m in line, Tina the tuna blocker runs over to me. She says “I really get your point. I was so busy bitching about not being able to meet anybody, that I probably missed every opportunity to meet anybody, right?” I looked over and smiled.

Then she said “I don’t want Mr. Salad or Mr. Chicken, I want to hang with you.” I said “Tina the tuna blocker (I really did call her Tina the tuna blocker), I like a gutsy woman who can admit her mistakes. Let’s hang out and chop some onions real soon.”

The bottom line is this: If you feel like you never meet anybody when you’re in a public place, get rid of you bluetooth and get off the phone! Open your eyes and notice all the possibilities.